..empty

Hi Mr. Blog.



Today, and the last great while, I feel a deep, pithy sense of emptiness in my life. I sit here eating chips and hummus and my world is very very stable. I don't need anything really, no food, no provisions, and the possibilities of my life are being seized and explored. Separating myself from myself I think that my life is fine. I am moving forward, although not as fast as I would like, but I don't feel as though I am stagnant.

The problem then? I feel like life has been sucked out of me. I feel like I haven't been relying on God and I feel as though I am completely meaningless and powerless without him in my life. Another problem. I don't know what to do about this. I have grand thoughts about willing myself into a deeper relationship with God. Maybe playing an arm wrestling game of Biblical devotion or time spent in prayer and then win and then feel close to him again. I don't even want to entertain those thoughts though. I want to be in love with Jesus and I want to feel very very alive because I am living with him.

I have been incapable of loving recently. I feel as though I am floating through life, doing things and meeting with people and having 'deep' conversation but really I am kind of faking it. I don't feel it so I put on the fake mask of grins and lukewarm theology and nondescript love and make it through my days. Sleep is entirely unsatisfying for me right now. I do it but I don't like it. I don't think about Jesus before I go to bed and I have dreams that are meaningless or frustrating and wake up feeling like I wasted my time. I find that I am pushing things that I know are gifts from God, through my life, because I have hope that sometime in the future I won't feel like this.

I miss Jesus so much. I think that right now I am keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to think about my vacuum because it hurts so badly. I instantly come to the edge of tears and then run away, scared of the pain that jumping off of the edge would cause.

I don't want to be like this. I want the passions and desires of my life to beautifully taint every part of who I am. I want to be amazingly excited about life and possibility and Jesus.

I want to feel life deeper but I don't know how to right now.


ps. moderately obsessed with the Myers-Briggs test. I am an INFJ and that is me to a T (except I am not a T).