..dual

This post has two purposes. One is to update this blog about my trip to Camden, and two, to tell about the things I have been learning in Minnesota.



Camden, New Dirty Jersey:

I went back to Camden for just 3 days this last week. There is something about going back that is a completely unique experience. The shock of seeing 'it' for the first time is worn off, there are relationships to catch up on and continue, and there is a sense of ownership(pride) at being able to explain things to others. Going back also gave me the chance to take a deep breath, remember the ways that I was ridiculous last time, and correct for them this time.

I found myself observing much more this time, watching things come to their natural conclusions before making judgments about their effectiveness or success. Previously, I had a set of expectations and 'correct ministry strategies' that I graded Urban Promise on, and since I had a pretty unique experience, they came up short. I found out that the teacher that I had worked with in the 7th grade class did not return after Christmas break, and the kids were being taught 3 days a week by a part-time substitute.

My frustration and anger from my last experience was rooted in many different causes (personal pride, group dynamics, painful growth, and heartache for Camden). I think that this time I was able to see a different side of Urban Promise, a much more human and persistence side with the normal chaos of ministry. The people serving with UP are people and they are tired, see so much more shit than me, and are doing an amazing job.

I think that I also learned about cynicism. As a sociology major, I am trained to see and understand problems, its what I have learned in school and it has shaped the way I understand my world. This lens comes in handy when I go into places like Camden because I can comprehend (only in part) the reasons why it is that way and the ways that effects the people that live there. The dangerous thing about this way of viewing life is that it can leave me raging with anger. I find it so easy to understand society through structures and power plays and often expect others around me to do the same. I often will take it up a notch, and apply my sociological understanding to Biblical text and expect people to have biblical motivation for seeing and doing something about poverty and broken lives.

I am not releasing Christians from any call within the Bible to do justice and act mercifully. I believe that is clear regardless of a sociological understanding of situations and social problems. I am saying that criticism is not a very effective way to share the things that I am learning. Because my education causes me to advocate and take seriously the plight of the Camdens in this world, I need to understand both sides of the social equation, to translate a need for action. Angry, bitter raging may not be the most effective way of doing that and often comes from a deeply seeded source of pride in my knowledge and passion.

I think that I also began to learn that Camden is like the parable of the pearl in Matthew 13. The text talks about how the kingdom of God is like a pearl hidden in a market, where a man finds out about its existence and sells everything to obtain it. It is evident to me that throughout the Bible, God makes his home with the poor and that he meets them in a very special way. When I see Suburban Promise (a group of Pennsylvanian churches that has come together to support Urban Promise through food, school supplies, holiday gifts, and monetary support) I begin to realize that the Easter baskets they brought were a genuine gift of love. Obviously, Easter baskets are not the cure for Camden's problems, but they will probably make 300 children smile and ease the hearts of grandparents and parents that are struggling to provide for their families. The thing about the Easter baskets is that these churches aren't selling everything for the kingdom of God. That is less of an biting indictment and more of a huge part if life that they will never get to experience.

During Easter, there is something so profound and humbling about listening to a man tell his story of poverty, Urban Promise, Eastern college, and a return journey to Camden. The more awe invoking part is how much Resurrection is present in his tale, a miracle that Suburban Promise might not be experiencing through Easter baskets.

I think that rage and anger have their place. I can look in my Bible and see plenty of examples when God was angry because of injustice. To be angry is to love and to show solidarity with the conditions that someone else is forced to live in/with. Anger is a way of understanding the humanity that I share with Camden and the fact that injustice to them is injustice is my brothers and sisters, and ultimately to me. However, God does not remain angry. There is always and outlet to his anger and always a solution to the problem. So, as a 'sociologist' anger and frustration is a natural default when you start to become aware of the depth and complexity of the shit we live in, but cannot be my motivation. The hope of the gospel, of a different way of imagining my world must be the way that I walk through Camden and my classes. Anger does not bring life or love, it creates a barrier where those realities cannot exist. Hope, although it may be outlandishly difficult is many situations, does.

On a more explanatory note, we (Britta, Kelsey, and I) organized books in the basement of Urban Academy and worked at the Eastside after school site in the afternoons. We has the chance to chaperon the choir to a county teen art festival. Some of the girls in the choir were in the class that I worked with, and it was really fun to reconnect with them. The activities that we participated in where meaningful, and I think that we saw dual meaning for both us and Urban Promise which was really nice. I found myself more comfortable in most of the situations, which was a nice change.



Minnesota:

After my saturated but short jaunt in Camden, I have had the pleasure of staying with Britta's family in Alexandria, Minnesota. Life is quite a bit slower here, partially because of the snow and partially because it is small town America. It has been great, enjoying the dynamics of a different family and relaxing in a very comfortable space. It has also been an interesting endeavor to reflect on the dynamics of my own family and childhood.

After reading Ruby Payne's book, "A Framework for Understanding Poverty", I felt as though I was raised predominately with a lower class worldview and have slowly transitioned to a more middle class one as time has progressed. Most of the time I don't feel the tension of this transition, because it usually only happens to me, in the context of my own development and education. I realize it when I step back into my mostly static family and get a glimpse of how much I have changed. At times I will feel the tension my higher education within my family. I feel different, both from the person I was when I lived there and the culture they represent.

Being here, in a family where both mother and father are successful and well educated, where the children are all successful and pursuing higher education, and an atmosphere where current issues are discussed and facts about the world are thrown around with ease. It is strange to see the family that I will most likely represent in the future, knowing that there is a very high likelihood that I will marry someone of my same level of education (thank you Sociology of Marriage and the Family).

This situation has allowed me to reflect on that, but has also caused me to wonder about the ways to best engage my family, the ways to love them despite of our differences. How do I celebrate the values that they have instilled in me and the valuable things that they conveyed about life, when they may become overshadowed by further education and a broader understanding of the world? How can I honor them for their successes (which have allowed me to get to this place) and feel loved when they may not understand mine?

This is a surprisingly painful situation for me and I don't really know what to do with it most of the time.

..resurrection

First, I would like to apologize for my terrible grammar. I find my posts difficult to reread most of the time because of ridiculous mistakes. I will try to be better.

Secondly, my life has been chalked full of thoughts as of late. I have had a lot of experiences that has been really impacting over the last few weeks and I have been learning a lot about God.

Here is what I am learning:

A. God wants to make us really really happy. This is not in the sense that God is my lap dog and the more I pet him the more he loves me. I also have been learning about have a very utilitarian view of God and the dangers of that disposable relationship. However, he does want to deeply fulfill us and reward us when we are falling into the things that he has designed us for. I have found myself falling into a summer internship, far too easily to make it because of me. The depth and extent to which this possibility excites me is almost terrifyingly perfect. I will be working for a low income housing advocacy group, doing demographic research in Yesler Terrace. It is the direction that I feel like my life is going and to watch it so effortlessly fall in that direct is incredibly humbling. I should start accepting the level of happiness it gives me.

B. I have been attending a church on Capital Hill called Grace Church. Two weeks ago the associate pastor gave a sermon on the tax parable. He broke the situation down into a power dynamic, exposing that it was really about who was in authority of what. The question was not about taxes but about the authority of the state versus the authority of God. He went onto say that we often are the sole authority of our lives. This business of "God working" in one's life is basically bullshit. The define certain aspects of your life as God-filled and others as intrinsically devoid of his presence is to put very static walls around an omnipresent God. Additionally, if we are always attributing events and circumstances in our lives, that is defining God by our own intellect and standards, making the very nature of the box finite. If I truly believe in a transcendent God that is beyond the limited scope of my life, his authority to do confusing, painful, and odd things to me is not a sign of his neglect or absence, but simply my understanding.

C. This last weekend I volunteered at a conference called The New Conspirators Conference. It was held by the Mustard Seed Association and was a very positive time for 'progressives' to get together and connect. The focus of my weekend lead to to a funny place. I began to realize that many of the solutions of the church where simply Christianized forms of worldly solutions. We would take worldly models, slap on some Christianese and call it holy. I found myself irritated by this though. I began to think about how we are called new creations when we are saved. That means that our lives should be in more aggressive pursuit of my 'Eve' state rather than trying to better the shit of my life. If I attempt to Christianize a betterment plan for my life (morality) then I am still leaning into the reality that sin dictates the way I live my life. Before I was saved I was a slave to sin, and in many ways I am a righteous slave in my attempts at morality. I have been set free in Christ, and that is to pursue a life that is lived richly in God, not one ruled by a different tyranny of sin. I think that guilt is also a huge factor in this equation as well. When my life is based on moral conduct, I always fail, and then I always feel deep guilt in my failure. Guilt free, abundant Christianity is what I am interested in right now.

D. I am learning that relationships, both with God and other people, are annoyingly linear. I just want milestones and a clear understanding of where I am with everyone in my life. The ambiguity of not knowing can seem like too much to bear at times. The idea that you are never fully know by someone and that you never can fully know that entirety of a state of a relationship is enough to want be a hermit. I think that this ambiguity that I feel in every human relationship is very characteristic of my relationship with God. It's funny how much those intersect.

E. I am learning how to be a mouth piece for God. He is teaching me how to not own ideas. For so long I would think up 'brilliant' things and become insanely annoyed when people would reference my ideas without giving me due credit. I would be annoyed that I wouldn't get the praise for the brilliant thought and that the other person may think that the idea was originally theirs. God is showing me that he wants goodness in the lives of his people. He won't use me if I am seeking wisdom and intellect for my own selfish motivations, but he will pour out on me when I freely pass it along to others.

I have learned other things as well, and I am very grateful for this rich time in my life. God is good.