..resurrection

First, I would like to apologize for my terrible grammar. I find my posts difficult to reread most of the time because of ridiculous mistakes. I will try to be better.

Secondly, my life has been chalked full of thoughts as of late. I have had a lot of experiences that has been really impacting over the last few weeks and I have been learning a lot about God.

Here is what I am learning:

A. God wants to make us really really happy. This is not in the sense that God is my lap dog and the more I pet him the more he loves me. I also have been learning about have a very utilitarian view of God and the dangers of that disposable relationship. However, he does want to deeply fulfill us and reward us when we are falling into the things that he has designed us for. I have found myself falling into a summer internship, far too easily to make it because of me. The depth and extent to which this possibility excites me is almost terrifyingly perfect. I will be working for a low income housing advocacy group, doing demographic research in Yesler Terrace. It is the direction that I feel like my life is going and to watch it so effortlessly fall in that direct is incredibly humbling. I should start accepting the level of happiness it gives me.

B. I have been attending a church on Capital Hill called Grace Church. Two weeks ago the associate pastor gave a sermon on the tax parable. He broke the situation down into a power dynamic, exposing that it was really about who was in authority of what. The question was not about taxes but about the authority of the state versus the authority of God. He went onto say that we often are the sole authority of our lives. This business of "God working" in one's life is basically bullshit. The define certain aspects of your life as God-filled and others as intrinsically devoid of his presence is to put very static walls around an omnipresent God. Additionally, if we are always attributing events and circumstances in our lives, that is defining God by our own intellect and standards, making the very nature of the box finite. If I truly believe in a transcendent God that is beyond the limited scope of my life, his authority to do confusing, painful, and odd things to me is not a sign of his neglect or absence, but simply my understanding.

C. This last weekend I volunteered at a conference called The New Conspirators Conference. It was held by the Mustard Seed Association and was a very positive time for 'progressives' to get together and connect. The focus of my weekend lead to to a funny place. I began to realize that many of the solutions of the church where simply Christianized forms of worldly solutions. We would take worldly models, slap on some Christianese and call it holy. I found myself irritated by this though. I began to think about how we are called new creations when we are saved. That means that our lives should be in more aggressive pursuit of my 'Eve' state rather than trying to better the shit of my life. If I attempt to Christianize a betterment plan for my life (morality) then I am still leaning into the reality that sin dictates the way I live my life. Before I was saved I was a slave to sin, and in many ways I am a righteous slave in my attempts at morality. I have been set free in Christ, and that is to pursue a life that is lived richly in God, not one ruled by a different tyranny of sin. I think that guilt is also a huge factor in this equation as well. When my life is based on moral conduct, I always fail, and then I always feel deep guilt in my failure. Guilt free, abundant Christianity is what I am interested in right now.

D. I am learning that relationships, both with God and other people, are annoyingly linear. I just want milestones and a clear understanding of where I am with everyone in my life. The ambiguity of not knowing can seem like too much to bear at times. The idea that you are never fully know by someone and that you never can fully know that entirety of a state of a relationship is enough to want be a hermit. I think that this ambiguity that I feel in every human relationship is very characteristic of my relationship with God. It's funny how much those intersect.

E. I am learning how to be a mouth piece for God. He is teaching me how to not own ideas. For so long I would think up 'brilliant' things and become insanely annoyed when people would reference my ideas without giving me due credit. I would be annoyed that I wouldn't get the praise for the brilliant thought and that the other person may think that the idea was originally theirs. God is showing me that he wants goodness in the lives of his people. He won't use me if I am seeking wisdom and intellect for my own selfish motivations, but he will pour out on me when I freely pass it along to others.

I have learned other things as well, and I am very grateful for this rich time in my life. God is good.