..halloween

Sometimes I don't like Halloween because I don't know if people are wearing costumes or not. 

I am being a hypocrite for Halloween. My costume is perfect and I have a paper to prove that I am not crazy.

..rant

Generally I try to keep my blog rant free. I just don't like vomiting rage all over the internet and normally I mellow out after thinking about the topic for a while, seeing it from other perspectives.

But I am pissed.

Mostly because I appealed to have my World Religions credit (for my Global and Urban Ministries Minor) substituted for a history class about the Black Church in America since 1950.

Here are my reasons for the substitution:

• I have focused much of my time at SPU on urban issues and done this intentionally and thoughtfully. I have never taken a class from an African American faculty member, I have never taken a class that specifically addresses the intersection between race, culture, and religion.
• I know little about the Civil Right Movement and this is a great vacancy in my education that needs to be filled.
• From the rumors I have heard (read: Testimonies of close friends who have taken the class) the World Religion course offered at SPU is done with conversion as the end. The thought being, the only reason why Christian should learn about other religions is because that will give a better understanding of how to convert their believers. This is something that I have little tolerance or interest in. People of other faiths have legitimate, rational, and profound reasons for their belief. Learning about their practices and faith traditions with the intent of disproving them or converting them can be insulting, disrespectful, and colonial. I am not interested in spending my time, brain capacity, heart, or money in this form of education.
• One of my friends told me that she rarely attended the class, turned her homework in late, and skimmed the book. She walked away with a B. At this point in my life, I refuse to spend my time and money to knowingly waste away in a class that will not be challenging me. I do my homework, read, and I attend class but want this effort to be going to a worthy result.
  

So I'm annoyed. Not because I didn't get my way, but because our university offers a class that is not respected by students, is not respectful of other people, and that our 'distinctive Christian University' level of excellence seems to be fudged at times. I honestly do desire to learn about the faith of other people and see it as essential in the development of my 'world view' and as a way to develop a better understanding of other people. I just refuse to subject myself to this course because of the simple fact that it is a requirement; I will take an Independent Study, take a course online, pay for the extra credit at UW, write a letter to the Dean of Theology, not apply for the GUM minor. This isn't a cross that I am going to choose to die on but my education and person are valuable enough to be defended and protected and the flimsy requirement of this course with a particular professor will not make me compromise that.

..five

• Spiritualizing politics and political figures. Obama is Hope. Obama is Freedom. Obama is Change. For a while now this has bothered me and the advertising is becoming slightly overwhelming with the elections just a few days away. Obama is just a human. Humans can not be Hope, Freedom, or Change. I understand the spiritual nature of the campaign and I think that it is remarkable to watch the response of my generation, and so many others, to the charisma and charm of a new face on the scene. I will be voting for Obama but sincerely doubt that all of his lofty and amorphous claims will ever flesh themselves out and I am okay with that. He is a politician and he works in the world of politics, which is highly important and limited in its scope of influence. Obama is not going to bring a revolution of daisies and puppy dogs but sometimes, when I get a little lost in the rhetoric, I wonder.
• Am I normal? Recently I have been wondering if I am normal. Not in the way of comparison, where I am insecure if I somehow find out that I am abnormal. I have been thinking about it in the way of wondering if I have an ordinary human experience in my life. Do other people think about the same things I do? Do people notice the things that I do in social situations? Do other people get as angry as I do at a lot of things? Do other people feel as removed from most situations as I do?
  
• Being sexually active. This is funny to me. For a while it has felt misplaced on my tongue and I think it's because it is always attached to the actual act of sex. You have sex? That means you are sexually active. You don't have sex? That means you are sexually inactive. Right? The logic would assume so but I think that this places people in rough territory while they are single, dating, and engaged because it places a lot of their understanding of personal sexuality in a dualistic framework of sex/no sex. I would like to think that everyone is sexually active because everyone is sexual. For me it is important to think of myself as being sexually active because it is a part of who I am. To wait for a moment in time to become active in a part of my personhood seems strange to me. This thinking has nothing to do with sex, but it has everything to do with how I understand what it means to be me.
• Material solutions to metaphysical problems. It is sobering to me to think of how many times I try to create/employ material solutions to my metaphysical problems. Feeling angsty about something, maybe I need to get rid of all of my stuff. Feeling trapped in my life, maybe I need to buy myself that latte, watch that movie, see that friend, leave this town. Lately I have been feeling like my life has been characterized by coping, learning how to live with an illness that will never leave me. The band-aids of materialism feel empty after a while and they have a shitty track record; 0 for 3,000,000. Brokenness (courtesy of Bob Z) is a constant (but I do not think necessary) part of my humanity and learning what it means to live authentically inside of these conditions is my current preoccupation.
• Confession. I don't really like senior year. I could complain about everything I don't like about it but it is a waste of my energy and your brain capacity so I will refrain. So far, it just hasn't been a whole lot of fun.
  

..tension

Exist in tension. For some reason this seems to be a reoccurring theme in my faith and ends up being a pretty great turnicate when my mental bleeding refuses to stop. But tension, if it is between two 'good' things, should not exist. When all is right, good things live and coexist in harmony with each other. Tension does not exist of necessity and it does not exist independently. It exists when I don't understand ideas or objects properly. When I feel tension between my free will and God's sovereignty it is not because tension is actually present relating those two concepts. It is because I do not understand either of them in enough clarity to see how they can coexist or how they can both be equally as viable in my life.

Tension doesn't freak me out but I think that it has become a comfortable escape in my thinking. When an idea or concept doesn't work well with the rest of my thinking- blame it on 'the tension of the Christian faith'. Ascribing the this feeling of paradox to reality is claiming ultimate insight into topics and assuming a level of contradiction inherent in the universe, or at least in human relationships to God. The tension is real, I often feel it in my life, but I want to reframe it as a means and not an end. Tension as an explanation leaves me emotional and pacified and lets me off the mental hook. 

How this tension thought works out with sin: ask me later. I haven't thought about it yet.

..petpeeve

Over the last two days this has happened twice:

1. Theory/idea/theology is presented partially by knowledgeable individual.
2. Theory/idea/theology is received by recipient, either through direct contact with the knowledgeable individual or vis-a-vis another recipient conveying the new thought.
3. Theory/idea/theology is interpreted by recipient through their previously formulated beliefs and information.
4. Gaps in the theory/idea/theology are filled in with assumptions based on partial understanding and preexisting bias/experience with the topic.
5. Opinions are formed by the recipient about the validity of the theory/idea/theology based on it's congruence with their prior belief structure.
6. Value judgment made of the theory/idea/theology.
7. Value judgment made (either consciously or subconsciously) about the intelligence/rationality/faith maturity of an individual that would believe the theory/idea/theology.

I probably walk through this process multiple times a day, blissfully unaware of the people that I am disregarding and misunderstanding in the name of having personalized congruence in my thinking. Having watched entire systems and topics disregarded through a verbal brush stroke has been a good reminder to be more mindful of when I do this in my own life. Proper respect for the ideas of others is foundational to entering into relationship and conversation with them. Respect requires an assumption of rationality on the part of the other thinker. To say, 'There is a reason why you believe these ideas,' and to desire to know that story is the basis of respect for another. Once that story is fleshed out, temperance in word choice and opinion dueling will come naturally since it will grow from understanding and not assumption. I think that this is particularly important in conversations where privilege plays a role. As a White person, discussion of race are often optional for me to participate in. However, because this is often the reality in my life, I must be cautious that I do not exit conversations prematurely (because of discomfort or expediency) because others do not have the option of engaging in the conversation, it is simply a reality in their lives. As a woman, it is very discouraging and offensive when men disregard or diminish the conversation about female perception in society. (I would say gender but this covers a range of affiliations and has [in my opinion] improperly become the euphemism for women's issues.)

Perhaps it's a curse of academia: knowing a small amount about many things that you are called to draw vast conclusions about. Perhaps it's easier to assume than to ask. Perhaps it gives people comfort to formulate opinions about issues they are uncertain/ill-informed about than remaining neutral and open to learning. Whatever the motivation, it is a damaging practice, allowing for the perpetuation of prideful, justified ignorance.

Needless to say, I am annoyed by it right now.

..nuts

They are all over our campus and they are smashed all over 3rd Ave. Oh to be a squirrel right now.

In all actually I don't care about the current proliferation of chestnuts on our campus. Mostly I just feel nuts sometimes.

Like now. I feel nuts, and this is why:

I AM ACADEMIC DISASTER.

This is what I am taking this quarter:
Law and Society (Upper Division Sociology)
Microeconomics (Lowest Division Economics)
Marxism Theory and Practice (Political Science Capstone)
Family Housing (Interior Design Capstone)

This makes me feel like a neurotic squirrel that runs around the Loop and instead of choosing carefully the nuts she will be investing her time in, she just thrusts herself at all of them without discernment. I have rational in what I am doing though, it is just difficult at times.

This is why:
Recently I have had an increasing number of people give me the head tilt and then say, "What are you majoring again?" The again is suppose to soften the fact that they are utterly confused at what the hell I am actually doing with my education. And then I say, "I am majoring in Sociology, minoring in Economics and Global and Urban Ministries," and then gasp because I am out of breath. Their response is usually to offer up what they thought I was majoring in and I have gotten quite a few guesses: Fashion Design, Philosophy, Political Science, Psychology, Economics... Apparently I don't look like a math major.

This questioning is difficult enough but then I have to actually go to my classes. In Marxism I am 'the mole' and in Family Housing I am 'the lone psycho that is going to college to become well-rounded'. But seriously, I usually feel remarkably dislocated in most of my classes. In sociology I feel strange because my mind is silently stringing along an economic theory to support or refute what is being said. In economics I want to start screaming at the top of my lungs because, like it or not, money is here and it holds power that daily impacts people. It matters, a lot. In my family housing class I usually internally let out a huge sigh of apathy because I don't even know what to think after a while. I mostly don't know how to respond to statements like this from my professor: "Race plays an role in determining housing options. I just don't really know that much about it so we are going to move on."

So 93% of the time I don't feel comfortable in class because there is the annoying voice of a different discipline whispering in my ear, making sure I never forget their meaningful interpretation of the material. But I am no victim. I comb through, select, and register for my classes quarter after quarter and the only complete waste of time that I have chosen has been Educational Ministries sophomore year.

When I look at the world I see billions of inputs- cause and effect relationships that all tell a small part of a bigger story. When I look into my own life this holds true as well. To become educated in one of these inputs seems incomplete to me, like I am willingly closing my eyes to the majority of reality for the sake of easing my personal journey. Ordinarily I champion my position of everything. Everything has it's place and part of my educational duty is to respect and explore it.

It just makes me feel insane most of the time because I have different interests that are seemingly pulling my mind and energy in separate directions all the time. I have no idea what I want to 'do with my life'. (What a stupid question, it's not like I am going to be reborn when I graduate college, I am already doing my life now. This is reality.) The thought of grad school terrifies me because I feel under-prepared to direct my educational focus into a specific and concentrated direction.

All of that aside, I see the value and importance of everything I am studying, independently and collectively. I love economic theory. I love sociological methods. I don't care if it just seems like a shitty pile of randomness because I think it's beautiful and one day, a fellow nut case employer will to. But then they will hire me and I will probably just blog about how annoying and sporadic they are in their thinking and go back to university to get my nursing degree.

Whatever.