..margin

I could spend time listing out the sources and reasons for my current stress, but it's boring to recant and usually causes me further stress.  So I'm not.

But my life has been stressful as of late.  Is the stress legitimate?  I don't know, but it exists and I have a wide range of responses to it, some constructive and many that aren't. Despite the stress I have been learning things...

I have been learning  about margin.  Often I think of margin as the wiggle room in my life.  The 10 minute buffer I give myself between an activity and the next one.  For me it's usually about time management, occasionally about money.  Recently I have had to reconsider my understanding of margin and now it strongly includes people.  I am terribly afraid of inconveniencing people.  I like following directions and being independent because it doesn't place additional burdens on people in my life.  But with that desire to not be a burden, giving myself grace when I need help is often difficult.  I find myself feeling guilty when I receive help or thinking about ways that I can repay the favor later.

Part of this thinking is rooted in a misperception of who I am - I need to learn that its okay if I'm not 100% put together and on top of my shit.  Another part of it is that I have misperceptions about the people I am in relationship with.  Somewhere I assume that people will feel obligated and guilted to help if I ask, or they are reluctant to help if I don't.  This is simply not true and believing it cheapens the love that other people have for me.  I can never fully enjoy it because I am always busy managing it.  I want to learn how to be a gracious receiver, and I want to make some improvement in my life management skills so that I am being responsible about the burdens that fall on others.

On Sunday, I went to Grace and the pastor stated that grumbling was the cause of spiritual decay. He described it as an unwillingness to give God the credit for things that are provided in our lives, a situation that quickly causes us to question God's goodness and faithfulness.  So instead of grumbling about stress,  I want to choose to see the way that God seeps out of the people in my life.

This is what I'm thankful for... bus slips, dinners prepared by my housemates, help on my math homework, sly glances that turn into laughter, people repairing my back tire (4 times...), quick conversations at the corner of the dinner table, borrowed cars, grant money, a ride to Olympia at midnight, baked goods for lunch, facebook messages, tests that get turned in for me, hugs, a friend who listens to my endless confusion about life, a day in a hotel room by myself, Al's, housemates who rock at grocery shopping, switching chores, monies from my Grandma, an awesome advisor, and a few other things...