..faithfulness

As I skip from June to the end of August I look back on the journey that God has taken me on and I stand in complete amazement. I don't even know how to describe the things that he has done for me and the ways that I have had an opprotunity to meet him this summer. His presence has become so tangible in my life and I don't think that I could think of living my life in any other way. People ask me how my summer was and I sit there, speachless and full of awe toward God that I cannot even express in words. How do I explain a whole summer of experiencing his face without breaking into simoteneous laughter because I am so over flowing with joy and tears because I am so incredibally thankful. His love towards me this summer has touched my heart in a way that is so intimate I don't know if there will ever be a way to express what it 'was like'. I tend to almost not want to talk about it with people in fear that I will butcher my experience and then remember something other than what reality was. I have been back for about a week and being back has been slightly surreal. Here I look at my plate and all I really have is myself. There are no responsiblities that I must take care of and that void of assignment leads to a selfish existance for me. At camp there were other people there. I looked into my day and I saw the faces of kids that needed love, comfort, acceptance, and grace and all I could do was look to the face of God, because his supply was endless when mine ran out after the first week. Experiencing the presence of God in my life was something that was different for me this summer because I needed him to survive, emotionally, mentally, and physically, and he was there, caring me through the entirety of the time. His faithfulness throughout the summer brings me to my knees and makes me long to trust him more. How great is our God that he rewards us immensly for just seeking his face? The irony in that is that there is nothing else that would ever satisfy me more than just being with him. He truely is with the broken hearted and the downcast. I suppose I am in an ackward possition now because in my life back home God is not really needed. I get my 10 hours of sleep nightly and there really aren't many difficult behavioral issuses to deal with. I don't like living like this. I really don't. When I look back at my day and I see that really, my life didn't make much of an impact, I can hardly enter into the presence of God without feeling slightly ashamed and emptyhanded. I would rather live a life of small, earthly meaning but need the presence of God for survival that exist in the absence of need and be forced to create it.

But where would that leave me?

Does that leave me at SPU? or does that lead me into the wilderness? or does that lead me into the land of the greatly unknown for a wild adventure with my creator?

Time will tell I suppose. God is good, all the time and I will be waiting and preparing for what he has in store for me.

I want to live for something great. I want to exist in the power of God and have my only other option be death, not a life that is lukewarm with apathy.

Create in me a consuming fire for yourself, God. Let me walk boldly into your trone room and declare your name in my life every minute of my day. Take all of who I am and place me in the fire. Comsume all that is not of you and strip it away. If that takes me to a place of painful, gashing wounds, I know that you are faithful to heal me. If that leads me into a land that I must walk through with only God, I will swallow hard and walk on in faith. No matter where Jesus will lead me, I will follow with all of who I am because when I am found in him I can do all things through his strength.

Lord, I ask you right now, in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, to bring forth a new chapter in my life of authentic faith. Bring me people that are passionatly in love with you and who will push me on towards the goal you have marked out for me. Let me seek your face and give up the things that do not please you and give up the things that I think please you but simply make me to busty to serve. Reveal to me your heart, so I may serve you in a way that brings you the most glory.

You are so worthy God, of all of my praise. Be with me and be my God.

..laziness

I have fallen back into my natural and comfortable cycle of doing pretty much nothing. I haven't really sat down and read my Bible for quite a while and honestly, don't really have a passion to. I haven't made much of an effort to talk to people and have felt slightly out of place in my own skin. I have mentally given myself a break, saying that camp will be exhausting mentally and emotionally and that I will give enough of myself there. I have also started to read the book, Chasing Daylight, and that has made me far more aware of the importance of every moment, the small and the large. I don't really have anything else to say, but I am tired of not doing anything and excited to turn over a new leaf, where the exciting and the mundane have the same value of importance and God doesn't take a raincheck because I will see him a lot later.

It was really good to see my family and it was really to realize that I have changed.
I miss my friends, but it is good to be my own person and I know that I will be stronger because of the absence.
God is good all the time, all the time God is good.

..parents

I just found out that I have been infinately blessed with the opprotunity to go to camp this summer.
Thank you God for that blessing in my life.
I don't know why you have given me the opprotunity to be used this summer, but thank you,
I pray that you would be with me now as I talk to my parents.
It makes me so sad to even have a tinge of fear in telling them, but I do.
It might just be my insecurities, but I just want them to be as excited as I am.

..prayer

Lord thank you so much for your hand of providence in my life.
I can't really think of where I would be without you and for your salvation I am so thankful.
I worship you with my heart and my life.
Lord, make me thirstier for you and satisfy my thirst with your living water.
I desire to only be found in you, humble me.
I pray though when you do, be with me and make your presence known to me.
Jesus, I pray right now that you would enter into my relationships.
You have saved me so that I can love you but you also saved me so that I can be in loving relationship with others.
That is so difficult because of my personal short comings and others as well.
I pray that you would be there, in between me and every other person, and open up the channels of communication and love.
Teach me how to love every person in the way they need to be loved.
Bring people into my life that will love me in the way that I need to be loved.
Make me more aware of your infinite love for me, and teach me how to be satisfied with it alone.
You are amazing and I can't really understand everything you have done for me, because you have kept me from so much.
I thank you with all that I am for the life you have given me, your love, and the other people you have brought into my life.
Continue the good work you have started into completion.
Be with me the rest of the school year and give me a divine dose of motivation, love, and understanding.
Please break me of my selfishness.

..heaven

Heaven is often a concept that I separate from my life, limiting it to merely a destination that I will arrive at when I die. I think that to believe that though, I miss so much of the way that life is intended to be lived. I believe that I an eternal being, that I will live forever, no matter where, and that my eternity starts now. That perspective on my life changes the way that I view tomorrow, as not being another day that I simply have to trudge through but a very small window into what pure bliss will feel like. The joy that you get when someone listens, or a friend gives me a hug ordinarily gives me limited and momentary burst of joy but viewing it as a window into heaven allows it to be something so much more. I guess it makes a lot of sense to me as to why I want so many things to be perfect too. It puts me at ease knowing that eternity is build inherently in me and that is why I want to experience it now and experience it with other people. Knowing the, deep spiritual intimacy that will be there is going to be beyond amazing. I think that is why it is so amazing to live a life of worship because that is what we are made to do. I should sound more theological about this at some point. Its really all just about making people think I am smart...

..perspective

It is hard to understand just how much of my personal happiness depends upon the perspective I have of my life. The mental dialog that I have continuously throughout the day is one that shapes the attitude and outlook with which I go through life. Today I woke up and focused on my stress. There was so much to do and why I had been given every burden in the world and only 24 hours to do something about it. It didn't seem fair. I prayed for a new perspective, that Jesus would touch me in my moment of weak faith and insanity and keep me from going crazy. Even though I mentally uttered these words, I didn't really believe them and continued on in my stress, worrying about my future. It is times like this that I realize just how weak my faith is. I have so far to go in my journey with God but the promise of the security in that path is astounding. The fact that he does answer prayer too is reassuring. I don't feel stressed now and things are falling into a nice space in my life. Things are being canceled and I quietly wonder if its because I freaked out. God only gives us as much as we can handle, and maybe I am just not strong enough yet. I don't know but Jesus loves me and that's pretty awesome.

..hope

Today was Mother's Day and I went home last night. Slipping back into family and a familiar home strange feeling seeped into my blood and I rejoiced with my whole heart to see my mom healing and falling in love with Jesus. There is honestly no greater joy than to watch someone experience true freedom in Christ when their yoke of burden and obedience has kept them from joy for so long. I think that this weekend was one of intense paradox though when I look at my father. I confronted him for the very first time and I did so with no fear of his reaction. I honestly just wanted him to know how I feel and to express that to him was a great burden being lifted off my chest. I know the longer I went, silently accepting the terms of our relationship based on the bullshit label of 'a good father-daughter relationship' would simply continue mediocrity. I want to experience a relationship that is permeated with love and trust and I think that I have to see ours for what it is, so the areas that need to be changed can be seen. I spoke the truth and I think that it probably hurt him. It hurts me to hurt him but ultimately I know what I did was out of love and hope and therefore I am fine with some tenderness in the coming future. Ultimately though, I am so certain of the hope that lies within the connect between us because Jesus is there. I know that we both love him, although usually imperfectly, and we desire to grow in him. I am so excited for our adventure in Christ and living in the truth is the only way to live in Christ. If I would have never said anything, and comfortably kept my mouth shut, we would never live in Christ because he cannot exist in the presence of a relationship that is based upon a lie. The thing that really blows my mind in all of this though is that Jesus is in between us, filling in the gaps of our own shortcomings, allowing us to connect in love despite our depravity. Although my dad doesn't know how to listen well yet, Jesus does and I can be loved in him while I wait for change in my earthly father. There is so much hope for salvation between me and other people because Christ has saved me unto him, to be completed in him, and also so that I can love other people out of that completeness. How great is my Father!