I wrote this in February and I can't remember why, but I think that some of it is still true in my life today.

reality and myth

possibility and hope

want and disgust

prohibited and dangerous

fraught with bad timing, bad location, bad motivation.

always wrong, always watched, always calculated.

but what beyond all of this exists? is there anything true in the fabric of the mystery, 

or will the mystery complete itself and never be realized?

come and find peace, in the unknown and unexplored.

come to terms with change and end and lingering metal on mouth and the sense that tomorrow has no promises, 

for good and sad

amen.

Lately I have been thinking of the necessity of leaving and returning, as a natural pattern in life that facilitates growth and maturity.  Leaving is often good and expanding and returning reminds us of our elements that are more secure and lasting, and it is good to remember what we are made of.  Leaving and returning also shine a different glow on to the dailiness of life, on the little bits of mildew that form in our Wednesday afternoons that are both meaningless and profound.  Perhaps all of life is a dance of leaving and returning to ourselves and others.

Every time our cats pee on another object (like my bed, our couch, raincoats, rugs, and Carissa's computer) they look more and more rodent-like to me.

I can feel my skin shedding and I feel slightly naked in the world.

following...

This sums it up for me (or the nutshell of all of my theology):

For me being a follower of Christ means that I am an active participant in the story of God’s people and God’s love and healing of the world. I am learning how to recognize, embrace, and confront the ways in which I am broken and hurt other people, while gaining the ability to trust in God’s vision of a future where everything is whole and healed. The challenge of being a follower of Jesus is learning from his life, death, and resurrection and then translating those principles and paradigms into the small, seemingly inconsequential activities of my life. This requires me to be honest with my inabilities and shortcomings while developing in my faith of a loving and grace-filled God, who desires to be in working relationship with me. Learning from the example of Jesus, my love for other broken people is paramount in my life of faith and without these interactions my belief would lack a medium of expression. Following Jesus distinctly also shapes the way I view the future of the world and people’s lives, allowing me to imagine the Kingdom of God as a coming reality, which in turn marks my outlook with practical, redemptive hope. Ultimately, being a follower of Jesus means that I am devoted to a God that is healing my brokenness through grace and love, and through my personal resurrection I am able to turn and embrace the world in a way that models God’s grace and love to other people and systems, participating with God in the current and coming Kingdom.

..pain/hope

"Faith, wherever it develops into hope, causes not rest but unrest, not patience but impatience. It does not calm the unquiet heart, but, but is itself this unquiet heart in man.  Those who hope in Christ can no longer put up with reality as it is, but begin to suffer under it, to contract it. Peace with God means conflict with the world, for the goad of the promised future stabs inexorably into the flesh of every unfulfilled present.  Does this hope cheat man of the happiness of the present?   How could it do so!  For it is itself the happiness of the present.  It pronounce poor blessed, receive the weary and heavy laden the humbled  and wronged, the hungry and the dying, because it perceives the parousia of the kingdom for them.  Expectation makes life good, for in expectation man can accept his whole present and find joy not only in its joy but also in its sorrow, happiness not only in its happiness but also in its pain.  Thus hope goes on its way through the midst of happiness  and pain, because in the promised of God it can see a future also for the transient, the dying and the dead.  That is why it can be said that living without hope is like no longer living.  Hell is hopelessness, and it is not for nothing at the entrance to Dante's hell there stand the words: 'Abandon hope, all you who enter here.'"

-Jurgen Moltmann, Theology of Hope

..reality

Two thoughts:

1. There has been an increasing frequency of 'real world' 'real job' talk.  This dichotomy of 'real'ness/fakeness is annoying and splices up life into different sectors that probably shouldn't exist.  This morning I was thinking about what makes a world real or a job real and I think it has something to do with capitalism.  Being in school is somehow a different experience of reality, working at a coffee stand is somehow not a 'real job', but maybe its because these experiences are not within the capitalistic hierarchy.  Perhaps there is a need for money making, advancement opportunities, and pencil skirts for parts of life to be considered 'real'.  I reject this.

2. Father's Day/Mother's Day...  In some of the places fathers were being congratulated there was also recognition for single mothers and their particularly difficult parenting situation.  Reading these recognitions made me wonder a lot about the gendered nature of parenting.  I am starting to think that there is nothing inherently unique/needed in the parenting contributions of a father or mother.  The most important element of this might be that someone is willing to parent, which is a skill that transcends gender and biology.  Instead of thinking about the essential nature of a mother/father in the development of a child, I would rather think about the unique contributions two different people make to the lives of children.  This also means that a child can easily have more than two parents without it being a competition for the two highest positions.  And it means that two dads or two moms is really a non-issue too.

Apparently, I'm anti-category today.

..subtle

Like all other graduating bloggers, I graduated!  Yippy!  I have felt the 'normal' emotions of graduation- pride, success, completion, love, regret, sadness, possibility... I have cried a few times for various reason, both good and bad, and on the other side of the festivities I can say that I am glad that they happened and happy that they are over.  Now for the thank-you notes.

These were the highlights of my graduation experience:

• Listening to my dad tell three different people about his fantasy of me gorging myself on Dick's hamburgers behind a dumpster.
• Riding bicycles to graduation with 20 of my friends. It was quite celebratory and appropriate.
• My graduation dress.  Vintage Goodwill makes my heart flutter.
• Watching John Perkins receive an honorary doctorate.  I think it was the happiest moment of my whole weekend.
• Watching women get their Ph.D's.  I cried a little bit.
• Feeling so proud and honored to watch my friends graduate. They are quality people and my college experience was so rich because of them.
• Walking across the stage knowing that I have been changed in many ways, and that receiving a diploma is not going to be the pinnacle of my existence.
• Watching Cory drink beer during our commencement. 
• My parents meeting Nikki.
• Taking small group photos to a very large audience of onlookers. This moment was very intense after having lived four years together and realizing that our lives will forever be ebbing and flowing in relationship. I feel so grounded and full when I am with them.
• Stellar Pizza, our awesome waitress who was so on top of things. Amazing pizza, good beer, sitting next to my liberal aunt and laughing at my family. Photobooths and a really funny graduation poem.  Being in Seattle and walking around Georgetown, trespassing on a restaurant my mother had discovered.  It was surprisingly relaxed, civil, and fun.
• My grandma announcing that she had 'ARRIVEN!'.
• Watching pizza fall of my parents car, my uncle stop in the middle of the road, right after a blind corner, to pick it up.
• How much of a champion Alex was with my family/endless events.  Good, mild-manner social skills can be so hott sometimes.
• Feeling entirely unstressed about finances, college loans, getting a job, or my future.

The surprising feeling this weekend was how subtle it was.  Perhaps the reverberations of this huge life change will come later when I realize that people are actually gone, that I am actually graduated, and that I have actually begun a new chapter in my life.  But right now things don't feel so epic, I don't feel blinded by joy or paralyzed by fear.  I feel happy and content, excited and curious for what will happen next.  Maybe it's because many of my friends have graduated and 'survived the real world' for several years now, which makes it seem like less of a cliff to me.  I think that this is part of it, but I also think that my current state of being reflects many of the ways that I have changed over the last few years.

I don't feel like I have stopped learning now that I am a graduate (that might be because I have an essay to write still, shit).  If anything, college graduation felt very similar to high school graduation- much more of a comma than a period.  I don't feel like I have necessarily arrived at anything triumphant, but I do feel accomplished and ready for the next part of my life.  I am most excited for a few weeks of pause, to get glasses, go to the dentist, have lazy afternoons in my backyard, and to laugh freely with people I really like.

I have also been thinking about reflection and if its a meaningful practice.  It is in many ways, but I also think it's a good way to over emphasize normal maturity and make trite accomplishments the end all, be all of human existence.  The 'reflection' that makes me most excited is that I have been radically changed in profoundly subtle ways and have become a better human being.  These changes are things that I never want to fully know, I just want them to be true in my life.   

..abandoned

The last few nights (I think) I have had a reoccuring dream about an abandoned warehouse.  Mostly the extent of it is me walking around with various people I know looking at all of the cool stuff people created like the toy train track and the rope swing.  Before I woke up today I was giving an 'outsider' a tour of the building, showing them all of the cool rooms and features.  As sweet and  delapitated as the building was I remember the part that made me the happiest was that there were a bunch of people hanging out everywhere, laughing and usually eating food from bowls. And then, last night I had a dream that I was at a convenience store.  While I was there the store owner stepped into the back and a fellow customer leaded over to me  to let me know that he was going to set the building on fire.   So he took a little purse of money and lit it on fire, threw it in the corner, and ran.  I ran too but finally ended up back at the warehouse where I was safe.

I don't know what this dream means/I don't know if this dream means anything. I think I am just feeling a wee bit stifled with the 'OMG THE REST OF YOUR LIFE', 'WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO!', 'GRAD SCHOOOOOL!'.  I just want a looseness in my life that allows things to flow and makes eating food from bowls a priority. 

Oh and this is a cool website: Abandoned

..frustrated

I'm realizing that I am frustrated with school right now.  I am in two capstones and a seminar and  a 2000-level class and am bored.  I am also exhausted by the meandering nature of most of my  classes and the amount of time I spend listening to my classmates. Honestly, I get frustrated listening to poor logic and anecdotal stories and I just want to be engaged by the course material.

I realize that this post is a little bitchy, for more than one reason, and I also realize that I probably just need to get over things.  I am just angsty for more meaningful engagement with subjects that I love and am getting tired of listening to intellectual lumps mumble.

So ready for grad school.