..grace

I think I am learning the freedom of living a life as a creature of grace.

I had a friend confront me about the way I interact with people and because it was wrapped in love, I was able to receive the truth in her words. In my explanation as to why I do the things I do I realized that I am so broken and skill-less when it comes to my compentancy in relationships. I don't have a past filled with examples of great friendship and I don't know what works well and what doesn't in most situations. I don't think I am completely social invalid but at the core of my being there are definitely insecurities about who I am in relationship to other people.

The beautiful realization that all of this has brought me is the depths of God's grace and how there is so much freedom as a result of living in that grace. I can sit on a couch and explain why I am so fucked up and hurt and then exist in that reality, not attempting to fix myself. I don't want to fix myself. That is an endless cycle of self-realization and pointless agony because in the end, I can't. I can do nothing to change myself. The only thing that I can do is be open and willing to let the Jesus inside of me reveal who I am and stand in the huge cravases of my inadequancy.

This gives my the ultimate freedom to not be chained to myself anymore. Even though I am broken and terribly screwed up, I no longer live, Christ lives in me and because of that I don't have to remain in my turmoil and tension. I can be free to be who I am, relying on the blood of Christ in my life, to be everything I am not. This is a great relief and it make me breath a little bit deeper and love a little bit more and understand grace through the power of vulnerability.

Thank you, friend, for being honest with me. I experienced a lot of Jesus through you and I think that I am so much more free to explore to painful but rewarding world of friendship through the grace of God.