..answers

Looking back on the last few days and the last month, I have begun to realize that I have not really allowed myself to be effected by the different events that have come into my life. I like to think that learning and growth doesn't come from experiences but from reflection on experiences, but that is so much easier said than done. Life happens and you experience things but the rest of your life doesn't stop, it's just paused and waiting for you to come back to it. So I have been doing that, getting swept up in life without reflection and dreaming of an arbitrary time in the future that will be a haven of debriefing and understanding. This idea is very illusive for me and I guess I am learning what unpacking along side of living life will look like.

I think the place that Camden has brought me to is one of difficult questioning. It's forced me to ask hard questions of myself, ones that reveal decaying parts of my heart, and the underdeveloped limbs of my soul. That is something that I don't really want to spend much time looking at. My lack of maturity can be pitiful and the depth of my arrogance is embarrassing. I think that for me to look for answers to the questions that I am asking right now would be missing the purpose of their existence. I think that they are in my life as a means of motivation, or a way to engage difficult topics and situations. I can't go to places like Camden and not question. All Camden is to me is an eternal pile of questions with very few answers and I think that was a reality that I wasn't expecting.

I am a person who wants answers. I expect them from people in relationships and in my beliefs and understandings of the world. I like to think that every problem has an answer and that its just a matter of finding it. But I don't know if that true. What if questions are the medium of life that we are suppose to remain in, find motivational comfort in, and let us remember our frailty in a world of confusion? I think that this concept of questioning allows God to remain sacred and mysterious and it is through this medium that I can continually pursue him. This attitude keeps me a perpetually naive student and never an expert. It forces me to trust blindly, the people that I love and the people that I fear, because they are often one in the same. And it makes me live in love, because I feel like it is the only medium that is guaranteed by God. Love and answers are different. They are different solutions to different pursuits and answers will leave me arrogant and frustrated, burned out and in despair. Love never fails, it just doesn't because it's not based upon solving problems. That's probably why it's hard.