..scared

I am sitting on the yellow (jell-o) couch that I hate, but I have spent what feels like the last three weeks on this couch that I hate. My relationship to this couch feels a lot like my life. I have kind of hated the place that I have been recently but seem to stay here.

I suppose I could blame it on Camden, but its not Camden. I could blame it on 'unsustainable' Christianity but I don't think that is it either. I could think about changes in social structure or the shift into a new quarter, and search for other things to blame this feeling on. I think that all of these elements play into my current state, but the sum of them is less than the totality of my experience.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am loosing my faith and so apathetic and heart broken about it at the same time. I am too tired of Christianity to go back to the same rut, the same cyclical guilt, the same standards that I will never reach. I don't want to live a life of Christian cliches or tightly structured Christian activities. I want my faith to mean more than a label I can put in the religion box of surveys or an easy conversation to fall back onto at a Christian conference. I tired of pretending I am perfect, have perfect revolutionary ideas, or how some strangely deep understanding of life. At the end of the day, I know little and tend to love less that I could.

So I have become blunt, and tell people how I actually am. I have noticed that I have more grace for people's humanity and that the fact that life is messy and terrible at times does not paralyze me.

Right now though, I am really really scared to talk about the place that I am in. I don't know, with certainty, things that I hold really true and only realize that they are vital to my existence when the thought of loosing them overwhelms me. I am terrified to talk to most of the people in my life about it because I don't want to be mad if they say something trite and soothing, seeing my current state as an emotional outburst. Antidoting pats on the head and 'I'll be praying for you's' seem to be the worst possible solution to this situation and are the reason that I have shrunk away from so much in my life.

I want God, that is a truth that is undeniable in my life. I am just at a complete loss in how to find him and its starting to kill me.