..fireflies

The future is something that I tend not to think about. I do not plan it out and most of the time it does not bother me.  I also do not have a list of things that I want to do before I die,  or a list of children's names I have selected, or a list of places to visit. I do, however, want to see fireflies before I leave this planet but that is the only desire that makes the list.

Recently I have been reflecting on relationships and 'relationships' that I have had in my life. Bad news: This is a area of my life that is severely underdeveloped for a myriad of reasons and I am exhausted with being relationally weak and indecisive. Remembering (read: building experiences that may or may not have actually occurred) past events and situations has caused  me to realize that I devalue my  personal experience in most relational circumstances.  I will heed advice, logically plan  out every possible outcome, or simply just  wait for circumstances to  blow over, all at the detriment of engaging and utilizing my personal experience. The past situations that I have been in will never exist in  reality again, they will simply be incomplete quilts sewn together by the sporadic memories of me and sometimes another.  I can remember  the ways that I experienced those situations and tangibly engage the way that they impact my life (and consequently others).  I could waste my time trying to rebuild a past that will never be  complete or I can look at the skills and shortcoming I have and  think progressively about ways  that I can move forward. Being a 12 year old relationally is easy, it takes the skills of calculated innocence and avoidance, but I am ready to grow up and switch those digits around.

The last twenty-four hours have been bad bicycling hours. I came so close to 'T-boning' a little red SUV last night and was almost doored on my ride home from work. Whenever this happens I don't say anything. I just stare,  not because I am trying to invoke a death glare but because I am scared and a little shocked.  Riding today made me realize that I think about what it would be like for a car to hit me almost every time one passes by. No more 45th; Greenlake, with its peaceful bike lane, is where I will be spending the rest of my summer.