I woke up this morning really sad and disturbed because I had a dream about child abuse. I have been having troubling dreams recently, not where I have been injured or attacked but where I am watching others be victimized. They make me feel like I have been chewing on nickels for hours, with the throbbing headaches and a stomach of guilt. In all of the dreams I am trying to help, but always come up short, never quite getting assistance and never quite making the right decision. In my dream last night, I actually made the situation worse by clumsily calling attention to it. The next thing I watched was the little girl being forced across the Safeway parking lot, guided by the strong hand of her tuna eating father (My dream started when I was grocery shopping & I met the two as they were shoveling a mountain of canned tuna into their cart.) Sometimes I feel as though its hard enough to process through the actual shit that happens in the world. I do not often read novels or enjoying watching movies highlighting social problems because I can barely sift through what my response should be to the factual problems in my life. Processing the fiction seems too daunting most of the time. Maybe next time I have a dream where I am given the chance to intervene I will actually learn something. Fingers crossed.
Yesterday night and this morning I have been dealing with things. I took the rain as a symbol of "You actually need to do your to-do list, Lindsey" and wrote emails, purchased books, did things. It was nice but when I am sorting through my mess of chores, it becomes overwhelming when people add other tasks to them. Perhaps this is why they have entire graduate classes on 'The Helping Relationship', because its confusing.
Most valued helping relationship today: I was riding my bicycle to work and noticed a poor Golf driver with his messenger bag on the top of his car. 4 stop lights later I was able to catch him, knock on his window amidst the confusion of traffic and throw the bag in the car. Hope nothing broke. I liked it because it was a mostly silent exchange. There were no strings attached on either end, no public recognition to be had. Just a friendly action with a 20 second life span. If I had powers, I would alter all of my 'random acts of kindness' to be silent and invisible. Sometimes the layers of social exchange are too complex and overwhelming and I am paralyzed by their magnitude to do anything nice because nice is far to simplistic.
Today I want my internship to be over. My boss man has spent an annoyingly long time stammering out confused instructions about a damn workforce housing report. I think that Jesus filled him with a desire to deposit the checks at the bank because I was about ready to throw acid on him. Not that I have acid or actually would want to harm him, I was just annoyed.
I love people. I don't mind making decisions. Large groups of people often cannot make decisions. Maybe I want a vacation with someone else where we do things but it doesn't feel like a constant pause... then a passive, vague dialog... then an exchange of indifferences... then one of us getting irritated enough to fling a decision forward just so that we can progress. The absence of decision making sounds like an island vacation (or something relaxing. Think of relaxing imagery and slow breathing.)
1 comment:
That exchange sounds really nice. Sometimes you just want the other person to be ok but don't want to be the one who has to help. I hate the feeling of obligation or responsibility to help others when no one else is. Sometimes you just want to 'want' to help them. I feel like I am making no sense.
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