With this post, there will be one-hundred. Two of which were eloquent, eight that were rants, and eighty that where awkwardly caught in between. For all of them, I am grateful.
Independent of this post, I was thinking about what it will be like to be old today. To have time bleach my hair, dig large valleys into my skin, and give gravity the space to work its toil. It will all come in time. What I was most excited when I thought about getting old today (my 'most' on this topic changes frequently) was how laughing will be different. I think that it will come from my overly-sugared belly more often and that it will probably make my time-softened fat shake. I will still laugh for no reason and I will still laugh a few seconds before most people, but hopefully the tinge of panic that I feel sometimes when people ask me about it will go away. I think that I will laugh because I know. I will know how so many of my mile-high question marks worked out and I will know how all of the seemingly paralyzing mistakes make beautiful sense in the tapestry of my life. I will smile because I no longer have to convince myself of proper theology and correct behavior. My bones will be a playing a vibrating symphony of freedom, and it will be from this resounding assurance that I will know that I am following God. I will be strong and won't have to pep-talk or debrief around conversations because my strength will precede and follow me. I am excited to experience a healthy and alivening sense of chaos from the grounded perch of age that I will rest on. I am excited to relearn everything I know, reframe everything that I think makes me who I am, and experience life through other people, in other times.
Every once and a while, impatient, short-sighted people like me curse time and damn it to hell unless it will instantly reproduce to 800 times its current state. On my more long-sighted days I love the process that it creates in life. I love that I will have lived through, in, and with time and I think that it will make my gray hairs worth every minute of the wait.
1 comment:
When you're old, you'll also get to brag about your grandchildren who will have spread out over the whole country / world. You'll work on crosswords but your daughter will rewrite and enlarge the squares on a separate sheet of paper so you can see them.
Speaking of growing old, it's about time you stop acting like you're only twenty-one.
=)
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