..okay

On Sunday at Scum I had my "Oh shit." moment. In the past it has normally been about the volume of things that I have to do and the business it will bring into my life. This time I think I just felt the weight of responsibility that I am stepping into. If I stand in the center of my life and take a 360 degree look at the things that I am invested in, it just seems that they have beady eyes that aren't as much interested in what I do, but in who I am. So I feel the weight of responsibility to be fully functioning. I still don't know what that means or looks like but that is what has been getting stuck in my mental dialog a lot recently. 

It's okay though.

Relationships... I feel strange about those too. I have a lot on my plate and it was come and will leave soon but I feel the space and distance in a lot of my friendship. In the past I would have felt l remarkably guilty about this. That guilt would then manifest itself in a nasty web of bullshit and I would either be friends with people out of obligation or avoid them.

The place I find myself at now is slightly different because for the first time (in my whole life... not to be epic) I don't feel guilty. I feel healthy. I feel like I am being a productive person who can assess her life and make wise, intelligent decisions about what balance looks like in my life.

Something else.

I think that I am learning to listen to myself more. Selflessness is not silencing my voice, it's controlling it through the power of the Holy Spirit. My desires and reactions are for a legitimate reason in my life and they should not be dismissed as foolishness. A huge part of this is being strong enough to absorb the reactions of others when your voice and theirs contradict. 

Okay. Sleep.