I feel angsty. Like pissed for no reason, just always want to be somewhere else, angsty. Granted it's not with everyone and it's not in every situation but I just feel intense pangs of discontentment at times and their repetition is difficult to ignore. I can't put my finger on what's causing it. Perhaps its just a general shift in my tide and the unsettledness is getting to me. Who knows... I just don't like being ungrateful and annoyed by people and things that I am blessed with. I feel like a selfish brat, going around stomping on daisies and knocking cupcakes out of my friends' hands.
I just want to scream or to punch something, not to release anger but just to release. I feel angsty about a lot of my relationships and where they will seem to fall post-grad. I am angsty about being in school now and the thought of not being in school later and the thought of ambiguous grad school in the future. I am angsty about vague things and who I am and how my education and my personhood actually translate into something of meaning. I feel angst when I feel like I spend large amounts of my day bullshitting with people. I know it's bad when I wish people had some more Marx in them, at least I would see a few sweat beads of conviction on their forehead. But maybe I just want a little more Marx... I have spent a while over the last year or two becoming more moderate. Definitely really needed. But moderate is confusing. It's intentionally choosing middle places, places of tension and mediation. There is a person inside of me that wants to fight for something, to lay it all down for a worthy cause. Let's face it... an academic career just isn't going to do it for me. Well, right now while I'm writing this it won't, maybe later. I just want some meaning to my madness and some focus to my heart because angst seems like an exhausting, dead-end endeavor.
Whatever. I don't know what I want and that's okay.
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