So yesterday I got the opportunity to present a paper that a professor and I have been working on over the summer. Although this seems like a big deal to me, in the real world of academia it is just another paper floating around, being worked on, and maybe someday, people will read it. So really, it's not that big of a deal outside of the context of my small, SPU undergrad experience. The presentation was quick, I was nervous at times, forgot one of my terms, fumbled a little bit on one of my slides, and generally just sat there, took notes, and nodded my head while Jason was fielding questions and explaining concepts that we had talked about for months. I felt small and young, like a wide-eyed little cousin, looking around the room at all of the big kids who talked about big concepts with precision and accuracy, mouth slightly agape in awe.
And while they where ripping our paper apart, critiquing it intensely, and sobering us up after months of staring at it, I was so intensely thrilled. I have been thinking about grad school lately and a lot of my thinking feels like it did pre-college, like it's the natural next step, something that I could passively enter into (or at least claim interest in) without much thought. I don't want to be too epic about it, but yesterday gave me a glimpse of a little bit more of the actuality of what being in post-grad might look like.
Being at SPU I have often felt the need/pressure to find out how 'God' or 'his will' works into my education and my 'vocation'. Finding the theological relevance/justification for what I am doing. Or maybe finding out how my education will be of use to God one day, preparing me for a meaningful life of service... like social work or urban ministry. I could type out little reflection papers and snip-its of meaning and I really do believe in the importance of my education as a tool for my future life. But I have never experienced God in learning. It's always seemed like a post-factum attempt at painting my education with spirituality and it was starting to feel like I was gilding self-interest/personal promotion with altruistic motivations.
But I love sociology. I experience God in doubt, in challenge, and in excellent sociology. It attempts to answers questions of 'why' that I annoyingly ask like a 4 year old all of the time. I love learning and having my ideas be pushed back against and challenged. I see the importance of excellent thinking and education as a not just a means to a spiritually sacrificial end but as a form of worship in its own right. Yesterday something aligned... or that's kind of what it felt like, for lack of more articulate terms. Higher education no longer seems like a selfish next step that I have to justify with a worthy carrot of service at the end of the journey. I think it is something that would be (will be) profoundly fulfilling and life-giving in and of itself.
I would also venture to say that it makes me want to do well in my housing class. Apparently, a true revolution has happened to me because I loath that class. Oh, and another thing... I think yesterday I learned the difference between being challenged and being overwhelmed. The critique of the paper basically means a shit-ton more work on a paper that I am getting 0 credit hours for but it made me happy. School, daily questions, online quizzes, random sporadic readings in 4 divergent subjects is slightly overwhelming in the quantity. This distinction is important for me to remember. Being overwhelmed with the quantity and (at times) poor-quality of school right now does not reflect accurately on my relationship to education. I feel like I am back in kindergarten, where I am really excited to go to school again. Sweet.
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