..heaven

Heaven is often a concept that I separate from my life, limiting it to merely a destination that I will arrive at when I die. I think that to believe that though, I miss so much of the way that life is intended to be lived. I believe that I an eternal being, that I will live forever, no matter where, and that my eternity starts now. That perspective on my life changes the way that I view tomorrow, as not being another day that I simply have to trudge through but a very small window into what pure bliss will feel like. The joy that you get when someone listens, or a friend gives me a hug ordinarily gives me limited and momentary burst of joy but viewing it as a window into heaven allows it to be something so much more. I guess it makes a lot of sense to me as to why I want so many things to be perfect too. It puts me at ease knowing that eternity is build inherently in me and that is why I want to experience it now and experience it with other people. Knowing the, deep spiritual intimacy that will be there is going to be beyond amazing. I think that is why it is so amazing to live a life of worship because that is what we are made to do. I should sound more theological about this at some point. Its really all just about making people think I am smart...

..perspective

It is hard to understand just how much of my personal happiness depends upon the perspective I have of my life. The mental dialog that I have continuously throughout the day is one that shapes the attitude and outlook with which I go through life. Today I woke up and focused on my stress. There was so much to do and why I had been given every burden in the world and only 24 hours to do something about it. It didn't seem fair. I prayed for a new perspective, that Jesus would touch me in my moment of weak faith and insanity and keep me from going crazy. Even though I mentally uttered these words, I didn't really believe them and continued on in my stress, worrying about my future. It is times like this that I realize just how weak my faith is. I have so far to go in my journey with God but the promise of the security in that path is astounding. The fact that he does answer prayer too is reassuring. I don't feel stressed now and things are falling into a nice space in my life. Things are being canceled and I quietly wonder if its because I freaked out. God only gives us as much as we can handle, and maybe I am just not strong enough yet. I don't know but Jesus loves me and that's pretty awesome.

..hope

Today was Mother's Day and I went home last night. Slipping back into family and a familiar home strange feeling seeped into my blood and I rejoiced with my whole heart to see my mom healing and falling in love with Jesus. There is honestly no greater joy than to watch someone experience true freedom in Christ when their yoke of burden and obedience has kept them from joy for so long. I think that this weekend was one of intense paradox though when I look at my father. I confronted him for the very first time and I did so with no fear of his reaction. I honestly just wanted him to know how I feel and to express that to him was a great burden being lifted off my chest. I know the longer I went, silently accepting the terms of our relationship based on the bullshit label of 'a good father-daughter relationship' would simply continue mediocrity. I want to experience a relationship that is permeated with love and trust and I think that I have to see ours for what it is, so the areas that need to be changed can be seen. I spoke the truth and I think that it probably hurt him. It hurts me to hurt him but ultimately I know what I did was out of love and hope and therefore I am fine with some tenderness in the coming future. Ultimately though, I am so certain of the hope that lies within the connect between us because Jesus is there. I know that we both love him, although usually imperfectly, and we desire to grow in him. I am so excited for our adventure in Christ and living in the truth is the only way to live in Christ. If I would have never said anything, and comfortably kept my mouth shut, we would never live in Christ because he cannot exist in the presence of a relationship that is based upon a lie. The thing that really blows my mind in all of this though is that Jesus is in between us, filling in the gaps of our own shortcomings, allowing us to connect in love despite our depravity. Although my dad doesn't know how to listen well yet, Jesus does and I can be loved in him while I wait for change in my earthly father. There is so much hope for salvation between me and other people because Christ has saved me unto him, to be completed in him, and also so that I can love other people out of that completeness. How great is my Father!

..everything

Jesus, you have not given me too much to handle. Not only that but you told me that I can do all things through your strength. I believe that you will give your strength because I want to do your will, whatever that may be. I am begining to realize just how futile and hopeless my own attemps at living my life for you are. The hard part about this situation is that I am so incredibility human. In my brain and in my heart I want to live a life for you but so often the substance of my day does not reflect that. In addition to my crippling humanity I find that I do not really understand the way that you are loving me right now. Your love is perfect and desires more than anything that I become more like you but why does that have to cause so much pain in my life> I don't really understand it all that well right now. But I know that through this I have been pushed back to you and I need you so much more that when my life seems easy. I need to feel your presences and providence in my life and I need you to increase my peace and my faith. You have created a storm for me right now to strengthen me but you are also my rock in that storm and my shelter too. So right now I don't really understand this form of love in my life but I am so grateful and am the luckiest girl in the world for being able to experience it.

..help

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Psalm 40

..Jesus

I pray also for those who will believe in me through [the disciples] message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them. [John chapter 17.verses 20 through 26]

Jesus, I repent for all the times that I think I am following you but really am just going.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not loving you enough and not letting me become lost in you.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I am really sorry for all the missed opportunities that I have had to show people you.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of hiding behind my 'introverted' personality and not loving others as I should.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I want to know you more, thirst for you more, hunger for your righteousness more.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I am sorry for all of the wasted time that I have selfishly used in my life.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for my ungrateful attitue that I have most of the time.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of complaining, everything you have blessed me with is amazing and I do not deserve it.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of my condemnation of other people and my judgments on their lives.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of not seeking first you kingdom, but my own.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of seeking out fellowship with others for selfish motivations.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of becoming distracted by the temporary, meaningless crap of this word.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I am so sorry for ignoring the poor in my life and simply writing most of them off as lazy.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for being incredibly lazy in my relationships with others.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of impure thoughts that do not please you and distract me from my walk.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of my lack of diligence in my faith walk.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not loving others that love you and being distracted by denomination and creed.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent insulting your bride, the church.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for knowing the truth and not doing it.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for becoming too proud in myself.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not loving you with my whole heart, my whole mind, my whole body.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not giving up you whole future and whole present.
Please forgive me and help to change.
Jesus, I repent for my lack of trust and faith.
Please forgive me and help me to change.

Jesus, I want to be found only in you.
Help me die to myself and live out your crucifixion every single day for the rest of my life.
Consume me.
Take my life and kill it.
Dwell in my body so that I can be you with skin on.
I repent of my sin and my life.
Take me, break me, and make me yours, only and competely yours.

..feelings

This is the part in my life where I really do think I might be emo. This is the part where I sit and write in my blog [yes, I have an emo blog] and transition from what I think to how I feel. My emotions, I stand in awe of their effect on my day, my relationships, and my thinking, and I think that I should probably write them out so I understand them.

Right now I feel lonely.

I don'’t really know how close I have gotten with the people around me and the looming change in the future has caused me to become lonely. The closest friendship I had at SPU is fading in the immerging springtime, filled with the beautiful distractions of bicycles and popularity. I am not alone, I am never alone, but I am at times, painfully and intensely lonely. My family has slipped off into a hazy never-land of unapproachable confusion and I look at my hands and only see Jesus' there with me.

Right now I feel frustrated.

I look at my life and I see a dissonance between the way I exist and the way I know I want to be living. The strain is constant and the only way I can ever escape it is to drown out my sorrow in activity and duty and responsibility. I feel like I am numbing my passion for something very very different with a nice routine of work, school, and play. I am terrified to do something else because it would mean risking everything. My idea of a college education, connections, plans, and friends. All things that I want to think don't matter much to me but at the notion of them all being gone, fear is my natural reaction. I don't know what I am waiting for and then at that very same moment I realize that taking a step in any direction would be acting out of line of faith. I guess that I just don't really understand why I am waiting for an answer if it makes me so ridiculously pissed off. Why does following God make me angry? Haha. I don't know, probably because I am really screwed up sinner and my flesh hates God. Sucks to be me I guess.

Right now I feel lost.

I feel like I don't really know where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to be doing and lost is a good general overall view of my life right now. Will someone please find me and hold my other hand?