..feelings

This is the part in my life where I really do think I might be emo. This is the part where I sit and write in my blog [yes, I have an emo blog] and transition from what I think to how I feel. My emotions, I stand in awe of their effect on my day, my relationships, and my thinking, and I think that I should probably write them out so I understand them.

Right now I feel lonely.

I don'’t really know how close I have gotten with the people around me and the looming change in the future has caused me to become lonely. The closest friendship I had at SPU is fading in the immerging springtime, filled with the beautiful distractions of bicycles and popularity. I am not alone, I am never alone, but I am at times, painfully and intensely lonely. My family has slipped off into a hazy never-land of unapproachable confusion and I look at my hands and only see Jesus' there with me.

Right now I feel frustrated.

I look at my life and I see a dissonance between the way I exist and the way I know I want to be living. The strain is constant and the only way I can ever escape it is to drown out my sorrow in activity and duty and responsibility. I feel like I am numbing my passion for something very very different with a nice routine of work, school, and play. I am terrified to do something else because it would mean risking everything. My idea of a college education, connections, plans, and friends. All things that I want to think don't matter much to me but at the notion of them all being gone, fear is my natural reaction. I don't know what I am waiting for and then at that very same moment I realize that taking a step in any direction would be acting out of line of faith. I guess that I just don't really understand why I am waiting for an answer if it makes me so ridiculously pissed off. Why does following God make me angry? Haha. I don't know, probably because I am really screwed up sinner and my flesh hates God. Sucks to be me I guess.

Right now I feel lost.

I feel like I don't really know where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to be doing and lost is a good general overall view of my life right now. Will someone please find me and hold my other hand?