Oh boy, it’s been a long while since I have been here. I think that its because I have been a long while from being in close relationship to God. Looking back on the last month of my life I see a whole lot of nothingness and apathy and laziness. I barely pulled through the end of the quarter and stumbled through Plunge and spring break in a daze, confused and asleep. It has really really sucked. Last night I cried about it and I have felt uneasy about 'it' for a little over a week.
Honestly, I like that it sucks. I like that all of my life feels like shit when I am not okay with God. It would terrify me to think about what it would mean if my relationship with Jesus went down the drain and my life remained stable, completely unaffected. This proves to me that it’s real. The fact that I suffer in its absence is proof that it is absolutely legitimate. Being in love with someone affects every dimension of my life and if I am actually in a 'romantic' relationship it should have that same, deeply penetrating presence in my life.
So here it is: I have been looking for God. Basically my whole life and I will be until I reach heaven. It’s at the very core of my being and that longing for God will never go away, whether or not I am conscious of it. Before I came to know Jesus I was looking for him and when I am choosing not to follow him I am still looking for him.
I look for him in other people, in experiences, in who I am and I am so frustrated all of the time because I can never ever be satisfied. I look for unconditional love, complete acceptance, deep understanding, unending compassion and peace in so many of my human relationships. I get so frustrated and depressed with they can't do this. When they basically just suck at life and I stand there and am so dissatisfied with their failure. When I am not satisfied and following Jesus, I look for him in others and hate life because they are human beings.
I am searching for God. Letting this be a fact that defines my life makes me so much more serious about everything I have in it. The one thing that God plays over and over and over and over in the Old Testament is the role of false Gods. God warned Israel so many times not to create false Gods and I have always thought that he repeated himself too much. You think that they would have gotten the point after a while and I get bored with reading it over and over again. I think that I kind of understand why the same point is brought up so many times. Being both a person made in the image of God, I am looking for him and at the same time I am a person of free will, with an endless selection of gods that I could choose from. This situation is the most dangerous and serious one in my life.
If I am honest about my faith journey passion and tension and faith have all played key roles but the role of idol worship in my life have been the one thing that is consistently crippling to my relationship with Jesus. It is the easiest thing to fall into and I do it all of the time, every single day of my life. That fucking sucks. I would vomit, or at least I hope I would vomit, at the ration of God worship to idol worship in my life.
If I look at the past and let it predict the future, as I often do during these times of 'drought', I get really, really discouraged. I think that the fact that God's grace is new every morning forces me to make a decision every morning and every moment of my day as to whether or not I will allow God to be God in my life or if I will try to awkwardly stuff a friend, experience, personality type, or fantasy into that place in my life. I am a thinking and rationalizing human being and I praise God that I am. It makes this life with him so much better because it is so real. In the midst of my thankfulness I must always remember that I am a person of free will and I am person born after the fall and in my nature I choose idols over God.
What is it going to be?
3.31.2007
3.03.2007
..radical
I am moderately certain that I am allergic to 1/2 and 1/2. I have a rash right now on my knee.
In my relationship with Jesus, I find out more and more of who I am when I fall more and more in love with him. I feel like seemingly cliché when I make statements like this but I will unpack it in a little soapbox scream. So much of my life can be wasted on defining who I am. It finds its way into everything; my clothes, music, eating habits, media intake, social dialog, and spiritual rituals, absolutely everything. It is truly amazing for me to sit down and think about the amount of time I spend trying to define who I am through activities and parts of my character and personality. It can become an all-consuming task that avoids total submission to Christ because; I have it all in control, thank you very much. The problem with this is that it is such a shallow and hollow way to spend my time. For every minute I have ever spend weighing the pros and cons about something in my life, whether or not it will make me cool or accepted or different, but in a cool way. I feel guilty about thinking about things like this but they consume my life and that consumption is so natural, such a normal state for my being to dwell in, that I wonder if I can know anything else. I think that this predicament has a direct correlation to my intensity in my relationship with Jesus. The more of myself I recklessly give to him, with only a few strings attached which are only broken through me asking Jesus Christ to break them, the more I become who I am. I scream with Paul when he says 'I WANT TO KNOW NOTHING BUT CHRIST CRUCIFIED'. If I 'know' myself, it is the greatest facade to avoid my purpose that I could ever muster up.
Some people spend their whole lives creating themselves, to realize that when they die, it’s all gone. Perhaps are they not let into heaven because there is nothing of them there on that day? I don't know.
I think that that the point I am at right now is maybe not the surrender point of this process but the acceptance point. Am I going to allow myself to be whom Jesus made me? What if I don't get to share my deep, epic thoughts with others, but listen the rest of my life? What if God want me to be ridiculously wealthily? What if he wants me to do things that 'I am not called to'? What if I am supposed to die slowly? What if I am suppose to stay in shitty mediocre Christianity and find out some way to be of one pure and holy passion in this lukewarm sinkhole? What if I don't like what that Lindsey looks like? It's a promise that I will be hated and spit on and mocked and that I won't be thought of highly and that my humility will be painfully present in everything I do. This is what I sign up for when I flippantly say that I am child of God, trying to follow Jesus. These words fly out of my mouth so easily, perhaps they should come with far more reservation and weight and joy and passion.
There is so much release when there are moments when I am absolutely living in the spirit. They are the heights and depths of my soul and they are the moments when I am truly living. They never fail me even though sometimes I feel as though I am going to explode. It’s the moments when I avoid living that I hate life the most. It’s when I slip into brainless mediocrity and myself that I implode with tension and sadness and apathy.
So what does all of this verbiage actually look like in my life? Most of the time it is simply left in the moment of tension and never actually explored in reality. I usually sit and scream at people and events and conversations and ideals, but not audibly, in my soul. In these moments all I want to do is go to a mountain and scream until I have no physical strength left and then I want to lay down and sob until collapse and then I want to scream pray and then fall asleep for a long period of time. I want to be with other people like me more than anything. I want to be the people that want Jesus 24/7 but are completely honest with their humanity and live in the tensions of a Jesus in human skin. I want to leave everyone I know. I want to meet a monastery or a nunnery or a radical community where Jesus isn't a pet side project, he is an obsession. I want to be with people who encourage my faith, push me into God, and force me to image the impossible. I don't want to suppress it all, pushing it down to make room for lame ass conversations that rot at the very meaning of life. I don't want to be frustrated with Christians, I just want to be obsessed with Jesus and be with people who are completely obsessed.
I realize that all of these words might sound selfish, but future self, know that I love people, dearly with most of my heart, but Jesus is always more beautiful and always more perfect and I trust him so much more.
I don't know what to do with this mess of it all.
If you are creepy and read my blog, whatever, but if your heart aches for this same experience, lets run away to a mountain or a cliff or a beach and scream, cry, pray and sleep in the crazy vastness of God, forgetting all that we are because we are so wrapped in his presence.
In my relationship with Jesus, I find out more and more of who I am when I fall more and more in love with him. I feel like seemingly cliché when I make statements like this but I will unpack it in a little soapbox scream. So much of my life can be wasted on defining who I am. It finds its way into everything; my clothes, music, eating habits, media intake, social dialog, and spiritual rituals, absolutely everything. It is truly amazing for me to sit down and think about the amount of time I spend trying to define who I am through activities and parts of my character and personality. It can become an all-consuming task that avoids total submission to Christ because; I have it all in control, thank you very much. The problem with this is that it is such a shallow and hollow way to spend my time. For every minute I have ever spend weighing the pros and cons about something in my life, whether or not it will make me cool or accepted or different, but in a cool way. I feel guilty about thinking about things like this but they consume my life and that consumption is so natural, such a normal state for my being to dwell in, that I wonder if I can know anything else. I think that this predicament has a direct correlation to my intensity in my relationship with Jesus. The more of myself I recklessly give to him, with only a few strings attached which are only broken through me asking Jesus Christ to break them, the more I become who I am. I scream with Paul when he says 'I WANT TO KNOW NOTHING BUT CHRIST CRUCIFIED'. If I 'know' myself, it is the greatest facade to avoid my purpose that I could ever muster up.
Some people spend their whole lives creating themselves, to realize that when they die, it’s all gone. Perhaps are they not let into heaven because there is nothing of them there on that day? I don't know.
I think that that the point I am at right now is maybe not the surrender point of this process but the acceptance point. Am I going to allow myself to be whom Jesus made me? What if I don't get to share my deep, epic thoughts with others, but listen the rest of my life? What if God want me to be ridiculously wealthily? What if he wants me to do things that 'I am not called to'? What if I am supposed to die slowly? What if I am suppose to stay in shitty mediocre Christianity and find out some way to be of one pure and holy passion in this lukewarm sinkhole? What if I don't like what that Lindsey looks like? It's a promise that I will be hated and spit on and mocked and that I won't be thought of highly and that my humility will be painfully present in everything I do. This is what I sign up for when I flippantly say that I am child of God, trying to follow Jesus. These words fly out of my mouth so easily, perhaps they should come with far more reservation and weight and joy and passion.
There is so much release when there are moments when I am absolutely living in the spirit. They are the heights and depths of my soul and they are the moments when I am truly living. They never fail me even though sometimes I feel as though I am going to explode. It’s the moments when I avoid living that I hate life the most. It’s when I slip into brainless mediocrity and myself that I implode with tension and sadness and apathy.
So what does all of this verbiage actually look like in my life? Most of the time it is simply left in the moment of tension and never actually explored in reality. I usually sit and scream at people and events and conversations and ideals, but not audibly, in my soul. In these moments all I want to do is go to a mountain and scream until I have no physical strength left and then I want to lay down and sob until collapse and then I want to scream pray and then fall asleep for a long period of time. I want to be with other people like me more than anything. I want to be the people that want Jesus 24/7 but are completely honest with their humanity and live in the tensions of a Jesus in human skin. I want to leave everyone I know. I want to meet a monastery or a nunnery or a radical community where Jesus isn't a pet side project, he is an obsession. I want to be with people who encourage my faith, push me into God, and force me to image the impossible. I don't want to suppress it all, pushing it down to make room for lame ass conversations that rot at the very meaning of life. I don't want to be frustrated with Christians, I just want to be obsessed with Jesus and be with people who are completely obsessed.
I realize that all of these words might sound selfish, but future self, know that I love people, dearly with most of my heart, but Jesus is always more beautiful and always more perfect and I trust him so much more.
I don't know what to do with this mess of it all.
If you are creepy and read my blog, whatever, but if your heart aches for this same experience, lets run away to a mountain or a cliff or a beach and scream, cry, pray and sleep in the crazy vastness of God, forgetting all that we are because we are so wrapped in his presence.
2.27.2007
..mind
Here is an update blog. These are always tradgectly feeble attempts at recounting the events and massive movements of God in my life over the last few days. My bones are tired and I don't want to do this but someday I will be able to look back and understand another small portion of God's infinate love for me. I think I feel like an apostle of Christ right now, trying to figure out just what's most important to recount three entire years with Jesus. My soul is burdened for them in that task.
These are my thoughts:
The last few days, with the exception of Saturday, have been very intense in their nature. I have experienced so much of God, in so many ways, that I came to Saturday and felt as though I had to 'take a break' from God because I couldn't handle it anymore. My prayer is that God will help me die enough to myself that I can experience so much more of the fullness of God.
John Swanger and Dana and I had a very intense conversation about Mars Hill at Scum on Tuesday. I found myself coming back to the pure nature of Jesus but I existed so much in the intensity of that conversation. I felt so hurt along with John and Dana because of things stemming from Mars Hill but so hurt also when she said, "I hate, hate, hate Mark Driscoll." This has caused me to question my thinking on the topic, in a constructive and healthy way and it has been part of my mental dialog for a week now. I am asking for the mind of Christ on this issue, that I might rejoice in the preaching of the gospel in any context. I have a feeling that I am going to be working through this tension for a while and to attend any other church would be to avoid it, and that is a sign of my resistance to growth. I want to remain in this struggle and I want Jesus to lift me out of it in his time.
Life has happened, many conversations have surged into my life, leaving a wake of beautiful reconciliation, passion, and dreams. I feel incredibally blessed with the heart God has given me, the people that he has placed in my life and the opprotunities he is placing in my path.
I think that I am learning what radical trust looks like. I am learning to respond to the movement of God in my life and dreaming big dreams because my God is a big God.
I have learned so much more than this mere post and I have sadly forgetten it. Perhaps it has simple seeped from the realm of my brain and into the marrow of my bones and the flesh of my heart and I am not learning them anymore, but living them. I think that this hope might be slightly idealistic though.
These are my thoughts:
The last few days, with the exception of Saturday, have been very intense in their nature. I have experienced so much of God, in so many ways, that I came to Saturday and felt as though I had to 'take a break' from God because I couldn't handle it anymore. My prayer is that God will help me die enough to myself that I can experience so much more of the fullness of God.
John Swanger and Dana and I had a very intense conversation about Mars Hill at Scum on Tuesday. I found myself coming back to the pure nature of Jesus but I existed so much in the intensity of that conversation. I felt so hurt along with John and Dana because of things stemming from Mars Hill but so hurt also when she said, "I hate, hate, hate Mark Driscoll." This has caused me to question my thinking on the topic, in a constructive and healthy way and it has been part of my mental dialog for a week now. I am asking for the mind of Christ on this issue, that I might rejoice in the preaching of the gospel in any context. I have a feeling that I am going to be working through this tension for a while and to attend any other church would be to avoid it, and that is a sign of my resistance to growth. I want to remain in this struggle and I want Jesus to lift me out of it in his time.
Life has happened, many conversations have surged into my life, leaving a wake of beautiful reconciliation, passion, and dreams. I feel incredibally blessed with the heart God has given me, the people that he has placed in my life and the opprotunities he is placing in my path.
I think that I am learning what radical trust looks like. I am learning to respond to the movement of God in my life and dreaming big dreams because my God is a big God.
I have learned so much more than this mere post and I have sadly forgetten it. Perhaps it has simple seeped from the realm of my brain and into the marrow of my bones and the flesh of my heart and I am not learning them anymore, but living them. I think that this hope might be slightly idealistic though.
2.18.2007
..gangs
I just got back from watching Green Street Hooligans. It's violent and overly bloody but brings up a lot of the sociological issues of gangs that I was confronted with this summer and also the personal struggles I have been dealing with currently. Saying that, I think that it was good movie.
Gangs are very interesting to me. I think that they are the ultimate expression of our need to be needed and our need to be a part of something. They are a group of people who have found a way to unite around a purpose, and through that community, find solidarity in the 'us'/'them' approach to life and also in their own personal role in the group. It fulfills the deepest longing to be a person of substance and of belonging because it is the entirety of their existence.
I saw the heart wrenching effects of this over the summer. Walking into it I knew little about gangs, the slang, the dress, or the lifestyle but soon realized that it was something so much more. It is an identity and a security and a form of love that is not being me anywhere else. I talked to kids who were joining simply because they had no where else too go, like the vortex of the gang tasted like some sort of parental love to them. For children starving for place, substance, and love gangs are an easy solution with a high turn over rate.
But what is this need? What is this basic pangs of being human that make us all go to extreme lengths to find love and place and purpose. I try to fill my pangs with friends, and interests, and concepts, and I am always left grasping for something more. I am not satisfied and I attempt to join gangs continually. I am most likely in several right as we speak. They are entities that clamor for my heart, who want all of it and will not be satisfied with just a chunk. Even though some of them are beautiful, great things, their control in my life is deadly and often leaves me feeling like I have been through battle.
I want to join a gang with a boyfriend, I want to have place and purpose and love through that. I want to belong to someone and I want to be inseparable with them in our purpose. That would feel amazing.
I want to join a gang in Christian ministry. I want to be in a club of Christians and be on the cutting edge of God's work, astonishing people with the amazing things that we are doing. Deep down, I want to make a name for myself for how much I do for God. Parts of me want to be in this gang.
But playing out the thoughts of these two gangs in my life I find that I am still searching for something more. The pining for fulfillment is crippling at times and I want to know the way to have it go away, so that I can say I am satisfied with life and be content with all of it for once.
Laying here, I know the pat answer: Jesus. I can simply quit now and this would be nicely wrapped in a Christian box and I could feel great about everything. But that's not actually the way I feel. I feel clueless on how the fuck I am suppose to do that. How am I suppose to be completely satisfied with Christ? What does that actually, really, really look like? It would be easy in a monastery I think, no earthly distractions to loose focus on. I know the answer but I don't know how to get there and because of that I feel so incredibly alone right now. I could give up and accept a boyfriend, Christian ministry, or whatever else my heart might desire but I don't want it. I just want Jesus but I don't know what that looks like and I am sad as I type this and I wish I had a simple Christian answer that made me feel better, that would be lovely. I wish I did but I am guess I don't I suppose because Jesus is better than Christianity and I need that to be true if I am going to do this.
Oswald Chambers. Daily Thoughts for Disciples. February 14.
I want to ask a very personal question- How much do you want to be delivered from? You say, "I want to be delivered from wrongdoing"- then you don't need to come to Jesus Christ. "I want to walk in the right way according to the judgment of society"- then you don't need Jesus Christ. But some heart cries out- "I want, God knows I want, that Jesus Christ should do in me all He has said He would do." How many of us 'want' like that? God grant that this want may increase until it swamps every other desire of heart and life. Oh, the patience, the gentleness, the longing of the Lord Jesus after lives, and yet people are turning this way and that, and even saint who once knew Him are turning aside, their eyes are fixed on other things, on the blessings that come from the baptism with the Holy Spirit, and have forgotten the Baptizer Himself.
Gangs are very interesting to me. I think that they are the ultimate expression of our need to be needed and our need to be a part of something. They are a group of people who have found a way to unite around a purpose, and through that community, find solidarity in the 'us'/'them' approach to life and also in their own personal role in the group. It fulfills the deepest longing to be a person of substance and of belonging because it is the entirety of their existence.
I saw the heart wrenching effects of this over the summer. Walking into it I knew little about gangs, the slang, the dress, or the lifestyle but soon realized that it was something so much more. It is an identity and a security and a form of love that is not being me anywhere else. I talked to kids who were joining simply because they had no where else too go, like the vortex of the gang tasted like some sort of parental love to them. For children starving for place, substance, and love gangs are an easy solution with a high turn over rate.
But what is this need? What is this basic pangs of being human that make us all go to extreme lengths to find love and place and purpose. I try to fill my pangs with friends, and interests, and concepts, and I am always left grasping for something more. I am not satisfied and I attempt to join gangs continually. I am most likely in several right as we speak. They are entities that clamor for my heart, who want all of it and will not be satisfied with just a chunk. Even though some of them are beautiful, great things, their control in my life is deadly and often leaves me feeling like I have been through battle.
I want to join a gang with a boyfriend, I want to have place and purpose and love through that. I want to belong to someone and I want to be inseparable with them in our purpose. That would feel amazing.
I want to join a gang in Christian ministry. I want to be in a club of Christians and be on the cutting edge of God's work, astonishing people with the amazing things that we are doing. Deep down, I want to make a name for myself for how much I do for God. Parts of me want to be in this gang.
But playing out the thoughts of these two gangs in my life I find that I am still searching for something more. The pining for fulfillment is crippling at times and I want to know the way to have it go away, so that I can say I am satisfied with life and be content with all of it for once.
Laying here, I know the pat answer: Jesus. I can simply quit now and this would be nicely wrapped in a Christian box and I could feel great about everything. But that's not actually the way I feel. I feel clueless on how the fuck I am suppose to do that. How am I suppose to be completely satisfied with Christ? What does that actually, really, really look like? It would be easy in a monastery I think, no earthly distractions to loose focus on. I know the answer but I don't know how to get there and because of that I feel so incredibly alone right now. I could give up and accept a boyfriend, Christian ministry, or whatever else my heart might desire but I don't want it. I just want Jesus but I don't know what that looks like and I am sad as I type this and I wish I had a simple Christian answer that made me feel better, that would be lovely. I wish I did but I am guess I don't I suppose because Jesus is better than Christianity and I need that to be true if I am going to do this.
Oswald Chambers. Daily Thoughts for Disciples. February 14.
I want to ask a very personal question- How much do you want to be delivered from? You say, "I want to be delivered from wrongdoing"- then you don't need to come to Jesus Christ. "I want to walk in the right way according to the judgment of society"- then you don't need Jesus Christ. But some heart cries out- "I want, God knows I want, that Jesus Christ should do in me all He has said He would do." How many of us 'want' like that? God grant that this want may increase until it swamps every other desire of heart and life. Oh, the patience, the gentleness, the longing of the Lord Jesus after lives, and yet people are turning this way and that, and even saint who once knew Him are turning aside, their eyes are fixed on other things, on the blessings that come from the baptism with the Holy Spirit, and have forgotten the Baptizer Himself.
2.10.2007
..grace
I think I am learning the freedom of living a life as a creature of grace.
I had a friend confront me about the way I interact with people and because it was wrapped in love, I was able to receive the truth in her words. In my explanation as to why I do the things I do I realized that I am so broken and skill-less when it comes to my compentancy in relationships. I don't have a past filled with examples of great friendship and I don't know what works well and what doesn't in most situations. I don't think I am completely social invalid but at the core of my being there are definitely insecurities about who I am in relationship to other people.
The beautiful realization that all of this has brought me is the depths of God's grace and how there is so much freedom as a result of living in that grace. I can sit on a couch and explain why I am so fucked up and hurt and then exist in that reality, not attempting to fix myself. I don't want to fix myself. That is an endless cycle of self-realization and pointless agony because in the end, I can't. I can do nothing to change myself. The only thing that I can do is be open and willing to let the Jesus inside of me reveal who I am and stand in the huge cravases of my inadequancy.
This gives my the ultimate freedom to not be chained to myself anymore. Even though I am broken and terribly screwed up, I no longer live, Christ lives in me and because of that I don't have to remain in my turmoil and tension. I can be free to be who I am, relying on the blood of Christ in my life, to be everything I am not. This is a great relief and it make me breath a little bit deeper and love a little bit more and understand grace through the power of vulnerability.
Thank you, friend, for being honest with me. I experienced a lot of Jesus through you and I think that I am so much more free to explore to painful but rewarding world of friendship through the grace of God.
I had a friend confront me about the way I interact with people and because it was wrapped in love, I was able to receive the truth in her words. In my explanation as to why I do the things I do I realized that I am so broken and skill-less when it comes to my compentancy in relationships. I don't have a past filled with examples of great friendship and I don't know what works well and what doesn't in most situations. I don't think I am completely social invalid but at the core of my being there are definitely insecurities about who I am in relationship to other people.
The beautiful realization that all of this has brought me is the depths of God's grace and how there is so much freedom as a result of living in that grace. I can sit on a couch and explain why I am so fucked up and hurt and then exist in that reality, not attempting to fix myself. I don't want to fix myself. That is an endless cycle of self-realization and pointless agony because in the end, I can't. I can do nothing to change myself. The only thing that I can do is be open and willing to let the Jesus inside of me reveal who I am and stand in the huge cravases of my inadequancy.
This gives my the ultimate freedom to not be chained to myself anymore. Even though I am broken and terribly screwed up, I no longer live, Christ lives in me and because of that I don't have to remain in my turmoil and tension. I can be free to be who I am, relying on the blood of Christ in my life, to be everything I am not. This is a great relief and it make me breath a little bit deeper and love a little bit more and understand grace through the power of vulnerability.
Thank you, friend, for being honest with me. I experienced a lot of Jesus through you and I think that I am so much more free to explore to painful but rewarding world of friendship through the grace of God.
2.09.2007
..acceptence
So here is the update on my life since the last 30 hours of being has occurred.
I had dinner with my dad. So much prayer and tears went into this event for me and honestly I did not think that God was going to pull through. I didn't have faith that he was big enough to fix my heart for this conversation and I didn't think that he was bigger than my dad's screwed up past and I didn't think that we could be equals in conversation or even equals in Christ. I doubted and entered into the experience with preemptive feelings of defeat and damage control.
The amazing this that happened was that Jesus showed up and that crazy, 'I don't know shit about God and I have no clue what is happening to my life' was the theme of our conversations and we stood at the level foot of the cross, for what was the first time in my whole life. With my nature of thinking and thinking and thinking about thinking and then thinking about thinking about thinking taking over who I was the past few days of my life, I needed an escape and an ear to understand what the hell was happening to my understanding of Christ. I would have never guessed that the answer to this need would come in the form of my broken father and that it would be the most beautiful thing because it was something that I was never even expecting.
He gave me ultimate permission to exist in this state of agony of "who the hell is God and what does that actually mean in my life?" There is a really good reason that we are called to be in the world but not of the world and that is not a nice, cliche alternative phrase but that reality in my life is the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced. I feel so often like my soul is wondering the earth, searching only for God and the people that he most purely dwells in and becoming super pissed off about anything that is not either of those realities.
To live is Christ and to die is gain. What the hell does this mean? What does it really mean to have the only thing that keeps me alive be Christ? How much of America and Christianity do I have to give up to get a purified life in Christ and is this even possible while I am still a human being? Is the most appealing alternative to a life lived in Christ death? Am I so satisfied with the personhood of Christ that death would be the next best option for me?
What does it mean to really seek the face of God? What does it mean to know God? If the only condition for me to 'get' into heaven is to know God, isn't that the only thing that I should be concerned about? Forget ministry, forget Bible study, forget spiritual disciplines if they are in anyway keeping me from knowing Christ. I want to know nothing but Christ and his crucifixion. I do not to be a servant of Christ if I am too busy doing spiritual deeds to hear his name calling out, "Whom shall I send? Who will go for me?" If I can't hear that voice in my life then I don't deserve the person who is calling out and I don't deserve to be following him.
To be seeking completely after Christ I think that all of the other area of my life that so many people think they need to 'work on' can be simple bi-products of seeking Christ.
But ultimately, what the hell do I know. I want to know nothing because knowing things will keep me comfortable and I don't want to be comfortable. Comfort is being fully human and I want none of it.
I want to KNOW Christ and I want to be a partner in his suffering because nothing else is real.
I had dinner with my dad. So much prayer and tears went into this event for me and honestly I did not think that God was going to pull through. I didn't have faith that he was big enough to fix my heart for this conversation and I didn't think that he was bigger than my dad's screwed up past and I didn't think that we could be equals in conversation or even equals in Christ. I doubted and entered into the experience with preemptive feelings of defeat and damage control.
The amazing this that happened was that Jesus showed up and that crazy, 'I don't know shit about God and I have no clue what is happening to my life' was the theme of our conversations and we stood at the level foot of the cross, for what was the first time in my whole life. With my nature of thinking and thinking and thinking about thinking and then thinking about thinking about thinking taking over who I was the past few days of my life, I needed an escape and an ear to understand what the hell was happening to my understanding of Christ. I would have never guessed that the answer to this need would come in the form of my broken father and that it would be the most beautiful thing because it was something that I was never even expecting.
He gave me ultimate permission to exist in this state of agony of "who the hell is God and what does that actually mean in my life?" There is a really good reason that we are called to be in the world but not of the world and that is not a nice, cliche alternative phrase but that reality in my life is the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced. I feel so often like my soul is wondering the earth, searching only for God and the people that he most purely dwells in and becoming super pissed off about anything that is not either of those realities.
To live is Christ and to die is gain. What the hell does this mean? What does it really mean to have the only thing that keeps me alive be Christ? How much of America and Christianity do I have to give up to get a purified life in Christ and is this even possible while I am still a human being? Is the most appealing alternative to a life lived in Christ death? Am I so satisfied with the personhood of Christ that death would be the next best option for me?
What does it mean to really seek the face of God? What does it mean to know God? If the only condition for me to 'get' into heaven is to know God, isn't that the only thing that I should be concerned about? Forget ministry, forget Bible study, forget spiritual disciplines if they are in anyway keeping me from knowing Christ. I want to know nothing but Christ and his crucifixion. I do not to be a servant of Christ if I am too busy doing spiritual deeds to hear his name calling out, "Whom shall I send? Who will go for me?" If I can't hear that voice in my life then I don't deserve the person who is calling out and I don't deserve to be following him.
To be seeking completely after Christ I think that all of the other area of my life that so many people think they need to 'work on' can be simple bi-products of seeking Christ.
But ultimately, what the hell do I know. I want to know nothing because knowing things will keep me comfortable and I don't want to be comfortable. Comfort is being fully human and I want none of it.
I want to KNOW Christ and I want to be a partner in his suffering because nothing else is real.
2.07.2007
..currently
This is the blog where I wish that there was someone to talk to instead of typing out my thoughts, but there's not so this is a shitty second.
Currently, how do I feel. I don't know if I know but I will give a flailing stab at it and probably hit one or two states of being correctly in the process.
I feel apathetic. I feel like I don't trust the passion that I have prayed for so much and I don't feel like my soul is on fire right now. I feel a little numb to it all but at the same time deeply, achingly discontent with this current state of being.
I am afraid that I have suppressed certain feelings so well that I am killing myself slowly, but accepting it because it make my current circumstances more tolerable. I could sit here and passionately type about the evils of killing or displacing your passions but it would all be a bunch of hypocritical bullshit because its kind of what I am doing.
I feel alone, kind of. Its not this lonely alone where I want friends or I desire interaction, but I simply feel alone in the things that I am thinking about and I don't know if I have anyone to talk to and I guess that's okay. Maybe I don't just want to be okay though.
I feel confused a lot. I feel like I don't know what the hell is going on with my theology.
I am starting to believe in a big God, a God that doesn't work within the context of my mind or my reasoning, and I don't know what that means in my life. I don't know how much of me that lets me believe in and I don't know what that does to things like God's will for my life...
I feel like God is purifying my love for him. I know this because often I just want to cry. Not because I am sad but because I just want to be with God and this world is so much of a terrible distraction so much of the time. I feel like often I am just floating because it hurts to much not to be with God but there is so much that seems so petty in this world that I am required to embrace.
I feel like I don't know at all what is happening with my summer or my next year. My opinion on this subject changes hourly and I don't trust myself or my heart any more.
Here are my current options:
Summer-
YWAM in San Francisco
Perkins Center adventure
Jesus People
Colorado Springs...
UI Sprint Trip
Trashy waitress job (become a smoker)
Next Year-
Become homeless and dropout
StreetLevel
Intentional Community
UI Coordinator
New Horizons
House with cool kids
I don't know if I even want any of these though. I think that I just want to push fast forward on this transition and move on to the next stage of my life and I want it to be a lot more real and dirty than this one.
I feel so conflicted about my dad. He really hasn't done anything that I can point to as a scaring emotional experience or anything but at the same time I feel so incredible hurt by him. I am eating dinner with him tomorrow and for some reason I am very apprehensive about it. I don't think I have faith that God can heal us but its all I want. If I could choose to have two relationships reconciled on the whole planet he would be my first choice in a heart beat.
I don't know how I feel about service right now at all. I feel so empty and hollow and hypocritical because it hasn't been a part of my life for so long. I miss it but at the same time I don't want it to be the end all of my faith and I am scared of it.
I haven't been reading my Bible regularly. I kinda threw this practice out with legitimate reasons but I feel like it is killing me slowly. I am loosing a basis for truth in my life and am so hungry for a glimpse of black and white in my world that seems so gray.
My friendship with a friend is different right now. This is something that I don't really know what to do with at all. I just pray a lot. Is this response a cop out?
I don't really now what the hell is happening to me. Its not as apocalyptic as it might sound in this post but its still strange. I think I might go make angry confused and hurting pray with Jesus tomorrow. I think he knows what my heart feels like right now.
Currently, how do I feel. I don't know if I know but I will give a flailing stab at it and probably hit one or two states of being correctly in the process.
I feel apathetic. I feel like I don't trust the passion that I have prayed for so much and I don't feel like my soul is on fire right now. I feel a little numb to it all but at the same time deeply, achingly discontent with this current state of being.
I am afraid that I have suppressed certain feelings so well that I am killing myself slowly, but accepting it because it make my current circumstances more tolerable. I could sit here and passionately type about the evils of killing or displacing your passions but it would all be a bunch of hypocritical bullshit because its kind of what I am doing.
I feel alone, kind of. Its not this lonely alone where I want friends or I desire interaction, but I simply feel alone in the things that I am thinking about and I don't know if I have anyone to talk to and I guess that's okay. Maybe I don't just want to be okay though.
I feel confused a lot. I feel like I don't know what the hell is going on with my theology.
I am starting to believe in a big God, a God that doesn't work within the context of my mind or my reasoning, and I don't know what that means in my life. I don't know how much of me that lets me believe in and I don't know what that does to things like God's will for my life...
I feel like God is purifying my love for him. I know this because often I just want to cry. Not because I am sad but because I just want to be with God and this world is so much of a terrible distraction so much of the time. I feel like often I am just floating because it hurts to much not to be with God but there is so much that seems so petty in this world that I am required to embrace.
I feel like I don't know at all what is happening with my summer or my next year. My opinion on this subject changes hourly and I don't trust myself or my heart any more.
Here are my current options:
Summer-
YWAM in San Francisco
Perkins Center adventure
Jesus People
Colorado Springs...
UI Sprint Trip
Trashy waitress job (become a smoker)
Next Year-
Become homeless and dropout
StreetLevel
Intentional Community
UI Coordinator
New Horizons
House with cool kids
I don't know if I even want any of these though. I think that I just want to push fast forward on this transition and move on to the next stage of my life and I want it to be a lot more real and dirty than this one.
I feel so conflicted about my dad. He really hasn't done anything that I can point to as a scaring emotional experience or anything but at the same time I feel so incredible hurt by him. I am eating dinner with him tomorrow and for some reason I am very apprehensive about it. I don't think I have faith that God can heal us but its all I want. If I could choose to have two relationships reconciled on the whole planet he would be my first choice in a heart beat.
I don't know how I feel about service right now at all. I feel so empty and hollow and hypocritical because it hasn't been a part of my life for so long. I miss it but at the same time I don't want it to be the end all of my faith and I am scared of it.
I haven't been reading my Bible regularly. I kinda threw this practice out with legitimate reasons but I feel like it is killing me slowly. I am loosing a basis for truth in my life and am so hungry for a glimpse of black and white in my world that seems so gray.
My friendship with a friend is different right now. This is something that I don't really know what to do with at all. I just pray a lot. Is this response a cop out?
I don't really now what the hell is happening to me. Its not as apocalyptic as it might sound in this post but its still strange. I think I might go make angry confused and hurting pray with Jesus tomorrow. I think he knows what my heart feels like right now.
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