..being

The art of being. I sound like a sage from the East when that phrase comes out of my fingers but it is something that I have defiantly not obtained yet. If I truly am saved and am becoming a Christian then I am and no longer have to try to be. It seems to me to be something that should be so innate to my being that it is as permeating as gender or personality. I think that it ultimately is and that is the journey that I am on. I see what I need to be, a human in complete unbroken communion with God and realize that the passion and shape of my heart is for just that but the problem is my humanity in all of this musing. My heart is shaped for God. I realize that he is what I need but the humanity in me doesn't. It is so easily distracted by what is set right in front of it. The next action, the next activity, the next event are the areas of my life that I get so distracted by. My heart and being desire God with unyielding passion but my body turns and quickly runs down a different pathway. The struggle between my flesh and my God inside of me make me tired and frustrated at times. The balance between being and doing is tender and often times I feel myself polarized, staring at the face of the other and longing for the fragile middle ground of peace. Perhaps my life is like the nature of a pendulum right now. I swing wholly to the service and deeds side of my faith, resting in the reassurance of deeds and then gaze over the large gulf to the other side where God sits and beckons me to come sit with him. I jump back on my pendulum and swing on over to the other side of my life, and rest with God, sit at his feet and bask in the radiance of his glory. And at the moment I feel still and my feet start to itch and my hand begin to fidget and I glance over my shoulder and see the people on the other side of the gulf, waiting to be served and feel their gravitational pull of need. I simply want massive land transformation in my life. I want the being and the doing to be on the same mass of land, and be able to freely operate in both areas simultaneously. God is fully on both sides of my life and he is very patiently waiting for my pendulum of immaturity to slow down, for my mind to clear and my body to quiet and then he will give me a big, warm hug, hold my hand and we will walk through the balanced life of the unknown together. I am pretty excited for that and my heart skips a few beats thinking what it will look and feel like in my life.