..alone

I believe that there is a distinct difference between being lonely and being alone. Right now I feel very alone. I feel like that there are people in my life that I love incredibly and experiencing the depth and breath of friendship this year has been incredible. I feel like there are so many more people in my life to pour into and my heart is overwhelmed with joy thinking about these possibilities. I love nothing more than to sit down with someone and peer into their soul, digging to the point where they know someone actually cares. It makes me slightly gitty. I am very grateful for these feelings and thank God for them daily, except I think that he is bringing along another longing. I have been faced with this idea of not being known this year. I have experienced it shallowly in my small group, but I have not dumped my load yet so I don't feel like there is much intimacy. I have become exceedingly frustrated with my parents and their apathy when it comes to developing an authentic relationship with me. I want to badly for someone to know who I really am, at the marrow of my soul and I have come to the realization that the only person who will ever be able to do that is Jesus. I am so thankful to him for making needs and passionate longings that only he can fill. Divine comedy. I however feel very alone in this time of my life. Perhaps God is revealing that I am alone to prepare me to not be in that state. I feel like the gradual exposure to marriage begins with an uneasiness about one's current situation. I don't know if that is actually the reason for this feeling and I feel very trite and cliche when I mention that concept. That said, I do want someone to walk through life with more than anything else right now. Someone who is willing to ask me how my day is without me asking first. Someone who will see pain on my face and ask me how I am doing, never thinking about when I will reciprocate the same question. I want someone who will care enough to take two hours out of their day, walk to gelato and experience a slice of life with me. I want someone who is willing to risk a little, trust a little, and have faith in the person I am, with all of my wounds and oddities. I long for someone to accept me how I am but push me into who I need to become, not a leader on a project site but as a co-laborer on this journey of life. The aloneness I feel can be tasted in large groups of people, hallow conversations, mock deep conversations, and empty phone calls. I want to loose this grip on a life of mediocrity and allow the passions of my heart and my longing for so much more take me higher and higher into the presence of Jesus. I want to experience this with someone else who is just a little bit crazy. I will be waiting...