..disparity

Oh dear. The reason that I am writing again is the reason I opened up this thing in the first place, because in a meager way I feel like I can organize my thoughts and let them flow out into my fingertips much better than letting them sit in my mind. Maybe this process will clarify the spiderweb of thoughts in my brain but I think I will just need to see at the end of this post.

My subconscious brain dialogue has been very conflicted over the last two weeks or so. My heart is struggling immensely in the tension of the role of discipline in my life, the structured things that I must do or feel propelled to do (i.e. Bible reading, praying, church attendance, tithing, Sabbath, memorization). I manifested this struggle verbally to my small group to keep me accountable for these things and handed out paper check lists, in organized rows with boxes to make marks in. My discipleship class has harped on the disciplines of life and the things that really make up the core of our being that we can control. I have been in a perpetual cycle of thought, conviction, action, and then tension as I stumble my way through that class.

The essence of my heart is struggling right now though. I don't really know my pure self, because its me and I can only see myself in a reflection, not in a reality, and because the LORD says that, "The heart is deceitful above all things. Who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind..." But I think I understand the emotions that I am experiencing because of it.

I am falling into this little dilemma, or disparity if you will, between the world and heaven. My flesh and my being a child of the King. My fallen human nature and God. The tension is growing slowly and it is gaining momentum. I am growing in knowledge about the awesomeness of God, his holy and divinely perfect nature, that never changes, loves without selfish motive or condition, and pursues me until the ends of the earth even though I usually I am running away. The more I discover and uncover in the scriptures and through other people, the more I stand in awe of the amazing God who calls me his own. This being absolutely true, the opposite reality of life is true as well. I know the extent of sin on earth, well actually I know a slice and that's enough to overwhelm me. I see the brokenness in everything I do and attempt to do. My false motives and pride can shine through everything in my being and I am so troubled at my core with who I am. That concern is also manifested throughout the earth and the propensity of the world to fall into life without God is such a reality that I experience more and more every day.

This leaves me in a hard place, both internally and externally. Paul could not have said it better than in Romans 7:14 through 25: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I have I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. WHAT A WRETCHED MAN I AM! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

The internal struggle is that what it is explained above; its this tension in my soul about having desires for something amazing in Christ and then looking at the flawed human being that I am supposed to accomplish it with and then just becoming so frustrated by it. I see all of the lists of things that I need to do, or think that I need to do to please God, have an effective Christian witness, and to be of value in the kingdom of God. I see my good intentions and then see myself and my lack of follow through and my brokenness and feel trapped in a the paradox of divine humanity.

The external is my life and the way that I live it. I have a tension in my living situation and the way that I operate throughout the entirety of my life and I don't know what to do with it.

I think that I have come to the realization that for me, my Christian journey isn't necessarily going to be this one way street to spiritual maturity, and heaven will just be the next stepping stone of life, but much more like widening canyon. The realities of both my humanity and the world are on one side and God is on the other and they slowly drift apart, the more I become aware of both of them. I am being stretched and pulled because I exist in both worlds, I have a foot on both shores and my body is being pulled to the tearing point. I am a child of God, created in his image, yet I am stuck in a body throbbing with sin and decay.

This makes me think that when I get to a point where heaven is right around the corner, that it will be the ultimate release of my soul. That is won't just be this slipping of me into the next phase of existence, but will be the release of an endless build up of incredible life tension. Heaven, meeting Jesus, and being whole will be the ultimate reward to a life of struggle and homelessness.

There is something that gives me a glimmer of hope and it started in a little paperback with cardboard and duct tape on the front of it. An introduction to an irresistable revolution of love for God and others captured my heart and gave me resources for a future hope. I think that if I closed my eyes really tight and looked into the cravasses of my soul, I would find these dreams: I want a house, two story with a wheel chair accessible ramp next to the flight of rock stairs. In two bed rooms, 6 of us would sleep, eat, pray, struggle, scream, laugh, cry, and worship together. We would have meals with exuberant guests of all sorts and our guest bedroom would always house a random array of visitors. Lives would be shared and love would flow endlessly and there would be a humble but powerful light illuminating it continuously. The freedom felt within the walls of this community would allow us to enter back into the world of Seattle Pacific and life, the clay vessels that we are, but with more faith and more excitement because Jesus' calling and our lives would be coinciding. There would be incredible communion of souls, as we all run toward Jesus for life, bringing us to the same place, through the same experience in Him.

I don't really know what to tell myself as I sit here and type this all out. Maybe I don't have to say anything though because I think that it might be Jesus' part. Maybe this tension is being built so that if I ever get lucky by experiencing a little bit of heaven on earth, I will have felt that hunger in the depth of my soul and "just as I have recieved Christ as Lord, I would continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in faith as I was taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." [Colossian 2.6-7]