The depth of my faith has always been a snag for me. Do I spend too much time worrying about it? Too much time thinking about in place of actually doing it? Is it a legitimate thing for me to be concerned about or simply an outcome of my life and a character trait found out after the fact, like humility?
I think that this discussion ultimately comes down to my perspective on it. My faith is not deep enough. What is deep enough when God is eternally more complex and undiscovered? Heaven will be deep enough faith. I think that I am moving out of a state of panic though. I feel peace and a quite stillness in the fact that God is the purpose and means and end of my life and I don't feel a need to fight that right now.
If I am going to resist anything it needs too be me. My mind and schedule and tongue and life are controlled and operated by me. This is my lack of depth.
What does surrender actually look like? I am so fucking tired of singing songs about concepts and Christian words and things we want from God. I don't give anything to God if I am actually honest. Not only do I not give him much, I give him the shitty leftovers, and complaints, and dissatisfaction, and my thoughts.
I underestimate the magnitude of grace because I over estimate the beauty of myself.
God save me from my pride and myself.
God redeem my mind so I desire, honestly, for you to save me from my pride and myself.
I'm sick of this bullshit.
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