..l.o.v.e.

I have never read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and to be honest, I never kissed dating goodbye for myself. This is the mentality that I was brought up with in reference to my sexuality, personal identity, and relations with 'the other'. (A side rant would talk about how this bullshit mentality rejects the labels and formality of dating, stigmatizes direct and clear communication in hopes to avoid any situation that might need labeling, and leads to this strange world called 'friendationships...'. However, this is not the topic.)

Part of the protect and prepare regiment that I was on was the making of 'the list'. The list was a concept that pushed me towards more distinct thinking about the characteristics I would desire in a future husband. At the age of 13 I was encouraged to think about it and by age 17, it seemed to have become a necessity overnight. I had always resisted the idea of writing down a bulleted column of relational wishes and necessary requirements for my future mate. If anything, the value of it today would be for comic relief and nothing else.

*My mother is not to blame for the above senerio. I honestly think she was a victim of many different factors in our environment and tried her best with little background of her own. She has since released me of all list-making and grandchild making which is a blessing that I am immensely grateful for.

So, I never made a list but the world of Christian dating/marriage has never left my life and has simply slowly increased with my time at SPU. Whatever.


These are my answers to questions that I hear people asking and that I ask for myself:


>>>I am afraid there will be a sense of finality when I get married. I will never be able to look towards the possibility of other people again and the person that I 'choose' will be it. Should I be concerned about this?:

I don't want to marry one person. I don't want to be one person. Growth, if I ever made a list, would be the only thing on it and that is what I desire in the person that I will share a lot of time with. The thought of being married to the exact same person for the rest of my life sounds terrible. The thought of being the same person for the rest of my life sound terrible as well. I would like to think that it is possible to fall in love with one person, dozens of times, if we both choose to be different people tomorrow then we are today.


>>>I will never have the experience of 'firsts' again. There will never be another first date, or another first kiss, or another flock of butterflies inhabiting my body. Should I be concerned about this?:

Invalid.

I noticed this trend a lot in my marriage and family class. It seemed as though people thought the beginning and end of love was found in marriage and that the caring capacity of your life would most fully be fulfilled through your family. I think that this is bullshit. We bind ourselves with limits to love and care that are artificial and limiting. I hope that when I get a chance to meet people that are amazing, I experience a lot of the same feelings as I did the first time I met 'the one'. I also hope that the first kiss I give my (foster)child or the first hug I give my parents-in-law will be filled with the same butterflies as my first taste of romance. I want to be 'in love' with life. To think that love is an experience that must be relegated to my marriage is a suffocating thought.


Needless to say, this is hypothetical. My hope is that I choose to be a little risky with what love and family look like because I think that God is found in the fringes and the deep breaths taken before leaps.