..perfection

My theology of late has been obsessed with morality, or more accurately, the dethroning of morality in my life.

I don't want to talk about everything I think about it.

I did go to the 'Let's Talk About Sex' forum tonight and thought about this:

Christian culture tends to be obsessed with perfection. Many of the questions tonight had to do with what was right and wrong and what was permissible and what was sin-laden. There was this strange level of perfection that everyone was trying to reach, and the questions seemed to be asked out of a spirit of failure.

I realized that I have a strange relationship with perfection too. There is a perfect Lindsey that I think exists somewhere, outside of myself, and it is my responsibility as a Christian to reach that Lindsey. The faster, the better, because then I will make God happier and be more effective in ministry through my perfection. My perfection manifests itself in my life through the word 'should'.

I should study more.
I should ride my bike to save the environment.
I should be nice to people.
I should not get angry.
I should be committed [to everything...].
I should keep in better touch with my family.
I should ...


The list is eternal and the shadow of guilt that accompanies it is ridiculous. The list above is personalize but I also have another list that looks more like this...

Because you are a Christian, you should...
Because you go to SPU, you should...
Because you care about things, you should...
Because you are a woman, you should...
Because you are _______, you should...

These are the requirements of my being that I am not given an option in, I simply must learn how to navigate them for the rest of my life.

So, when it comes down to it, I think that God probably never tells me I should do anything. I think that should lacks imagination, passion, and love and I don't believe in a God like that. I believe in a God that is far more concerned with the parts of me that might be wildly out of control, uncurbed by my restricting moral piety.

I want to be imperfect. I want to be a mess. I want to look at my life and see chaos and know that God is the only way of surviving it. I want to need God as my perfection. To be honest, I can't be moral anymore, it eats my soul and makes me a shell of a person. I behave in response to a code, deeply held in my mind, culture, and society and lack all humanity in some of the most human decisions in my life.

I want a God who loves my imperfection. I think that he finds immense promise in it and I want to learn how to do that too.