..sabbath

If Seattle were my boyfriend we would be having a 'talk right now'. I would tell him that I can't handle his mood swings, his occasional raging temper, his hot/cold attitude towards me. I would tell him that I didn't like the way he abused me when I was vulnerable with him (i.e. piercing hail when I have to ride my bike). I dislike the fact that I have to dress to impress him.

We would be taking some time off for a while.


Change of scene...

Bad attitudes are something that I don't know how to deal with. I am usually even tempered or can internally process things that cause my feathers to start ruffling. Other times, I am just mad. I have a bad attitude and most of the time I am okay with that. I would rather be honest about it, work through it, and then move on, rather than shellacking a smile on my face and telling everyone that "I'm fine, thanks." Anger is rarely an emotion I experience and so when it comes around I want to understand why it is there in my life and work through the root causes of it.

Today I was mad.

I had perceived that I had the night off. It meant that for the first time in months I had nothing to do. No one asked me to do anything and I had not committed to any event. I was planning on coming home and cleaning the house and then catching up on Whiteness. Not exactly nothing, but I was going to choose to do it, and that is what I found hope in.

But then, plans changed and suddenly I had an activity to put on my calendar from 6 to 10. This activity came out of the blue and made a little nest in my day and I wasn't so happy about it. Actually, I was pissed.

The important question was why.

I have been learning about (not practicing) Sabbath. It had always been an enigma in my Christian life. I have never understood it's purpose. I could regurgitate a theological reason for why it was important but I have never really seen the value in it. I have things to do and they are important and rest can wait for the summer and pockets of 15 minutes that surprise me in my days.

For me, the value of Sabbath is not found in a ceasing of activity. It's found in the fact that I get a chance to remember who I am. When I am always somewhere, doing something, it is easy for me to replace my roles and activities for my identity. This is a sad state of affairs to be in. I struggle with myself, I think about myself more, and I self protect when I am tired and spent. Sabbath reminds me that I am small human, and allows me to not be important.

This can't come accidentally anymore. It also cannot be a voluntary activity. I need to view it as as important as any other activity I do. It is time that needs to be honored, respected, and defended against over commitment, socializing, and serving. Sometimes I just need to be on purpose.

So, tonight, through my anger I got to learn about Sabbath. < I don't know how I feel about that.