..disparity

Oh dear. The reason that I am writing again is the reason I opened up this thing in the first place, because in a meager way I feel like I can organize my thoughts and let them flow out into my fingertips much better than letting them sit in my mind. Maybe this process will clarify the spiderweb of thoughts in my brain but I think I will just need to see at the end of this post.

My subconscious brain dialogue has been very conflicted over the last two weeks or so. My heart is struggling immensely in the tension of the role of discipline in my life, the structured things that I must do or feel propelled to do (i.e. Bible reading, praying, church attendance, tithing, Sabbath, memorization). I manifested this struggle verbally to my small group to keep me accountable for these things and handed out paper check lists, in organized rows with boxes to make marks in. My discipleship class has harped on the disciplines of life and the things that really make up the core of our being that we can control. I have been in a perpetual cycle of thought, conviction, action, and then tension as I stumble my way through that class.

The essence of my heart is struggling right now though. I don't really know my pure self, because its me and I can only see myself in a reflection, not in a reality, and because the LORD says that, "The heart is deceitful above all things. Who can understand it? I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind..." But I think I understand the emotions that I am experiencing because of it.

I am falling into this little dilemma, or disparity if you will, between the world and heaven. My flesh and my being a child of the King. My fallen human nature and God. The tension is growing slowly and it is gaining momentum. I am growing in knowledge about the awesomeness of God, his holy and divinely perfect nature, that never changes, loves without selfish motive or condition, and pursues me until the ends of the earth even though I usually I am running away. The more I discover and uncover in the scriptures and through other people, the more I stand in awe of the amazing God who calls me his own. This being absolutely true, the opposite reality of life is true as well. I know the extent of sin on earth, well actually I know a slice and that's enough to overwhelm me. I see the brokenness in everything I do and attempt to do. My false motives and pride can shine through everything in my being and I am so troubled at my core with who I am. That concern is also manifested throughout the earth and the propensity of the world to fall into life without God is such a reality that I experience more and more every day.

This leaves me in a hard place, both internally and externally. Paul could not have said it better than in Romans 7:14 through 25: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I have I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is the sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. WHAT A WRETCHED MAN I AM! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

The internal struggle is that what it is explained above; its this tension in my soul about having desires for something amazing in Christ and then looking at the flawed human being that I am supposed to accomplish it with and then just becoming so frustrated by it. I see all of the lists of things that I need to do, or think that I need to do to please God, have an effective Christian witness, and to be of value in the kingdom of God. I see my good intentions and then see myself and my lack of follow through and my brokenness and feel trapped in a the paradox of divine humanity.

The external is my life and the way that I live it. I have a tension in my living situation and the way that I operate throughout the entirety of my life and I don't know what to do with it.

I think that I have come to the realization that for me, my Christian journey isn't necessarily going to be this one way street to spiritual maturity, and heaven will just be the next stepping stone of life, but much more like widening canyon. The realities of both my humanity and the world are on one side and God is on the other and they slowly drift apart, the more I become aware of both of them. I am being stretched and pulled because I exist in both worlds, I have a foot on both shores and my body is being pulled to the tearing point. I am a child of God, created in his image, yet I am stuck in a body throbbing with sin and decay.

This makes me think that when I get to a point where heaven is right around the corner, that it will be the ultimate release of my soul. That is won't just be this slipping of me into the next phase of existence, but will be the release of an endless build up of incredible life tension. Heaven, meeting Jesus, and being whole will be the ultimate reward to a life of struggle and homelessness.

There is something that gives me a glimmer of hope and it started in a little paperback with cardboard and duct tape on the front of it. An introduction to an irresistable revolution of love for God and others captured my heart and gave me resources for a future hope. I think that if I closed my eyes really tight and looked into the cravasses of my soul, I would find these dreams: I want a house, two story with a wheel chair accessible ramp next to the flight of rock stairs. In two bed rooms, 6 of us would sleep, eat, pray, struggle, scream, laugh, cry, and worship together. We would have meals with exuberant guests of all sorts and our guest bedroom would always house a random array of visitors. Lives would be shared and love would flow endlessly and there would be a humble but powerful light illuminating it continuously. The freedom felt within the walls of this community would allow us to enter back into the world of Seattle Pacific and life, the clay vessels that we are, but with more faith and more excitement because Jesus' calling and our lives would be coinciding. There would be incredible communion of souls, as we all run toward Jesus for life, bringing us to the same place, through the same experience in Him.

I don't really know what to tell myself as I sit here and type this all out. Maybe I don't have to say anything though because I think that it might be Jesus' part. Maybe this tension is being built so that if I ever get lucky by experiencing a little bit of heaven on earth, I will have felt that hunger in the depth of my soul and "just as I have recieved Christ as Lord, I would continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in faith as I was taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." [Colossian 2.6-7]

..blood

I sit in the room in a cold, steel chair, thinking through intricate complexity within the depths of my brain. I think and then think about thinking, plunging me, fully submerged into the mess of all of it. The steel is cool against my bones and marrow, chilling me to the core of my being. My eyes turn from the neurons inside my brain and scan the landscape of the room that I find myself in, noticing that it is washed apathetically in the greyness of an emotionless existence. The bare floor provides no warmth and my eyes peel back the layers of this reality to find nothing desirable underneath it. As my eyes probe the space, I see it out of the corner of my eye and pretend like it's not there. After turning away, my heart looks for it in the greyness, not finding it, I admit failure, and my eyes return to the empty space on the wall, tensely embracing the deafening solitude. After a few moments it flickers and I summon up the courage to turn and take a glance. In the fframe of the door window, I see a backlit man standing with the brightness of all light fighting to take him over. His body shifts as our eyes fall in line and his ears raise with an exuberant smile. After the joy of the moment has fully matured, his hand rises from his side, up to the door and faintly knocks on the cold steel. I sit and watch, wondering exactly what he is doing. Doesn't he have other doors to knock on right now? But due to my lack of movement generated from the knock he starts to pound harder. I don't know exactly what to do with myself and I feel as though he was attempting to invade my greyness. But the pound, pound, pound grows in my ears, pulsing the hammer, anvil, and stirrups, leaving me with the only option of closing my eyes, hoping the noise will disappear and take the light along with it. But the sounds don't go away, they get lounder and explode all over the walls of greyness into a bloody mess. And the passionate bleeding of unanswered sound streams down the walls, beginning to spread thinly over the conrete floor. Once the red is consuming the entirety of the room, I start to think that something must be done. The tenseness of action tingles in my feet and the blood red has soaked through my All-Stars making movement madatory. Slapping my knees in resolution, I rise from my chair, and head towards the door. The pounding has all but ceased and the light is now filtered through a veil of redness. I stop in front of the rosey illuminicity and touch the cold steel of the door handle on the cold steel door, summoning the courage to twist the knob, my heart leaps and skips approximately three thousand beats. The intensity of not knowing what is on the otherside breaks my bones and I felt so foolish when all that I saw was an emptiness of light, with no man to be seen. But then a faint whisper to my right catches the corner of my ear and I realize that he is collasped on the ground, laying in a small pool of his own blood. He whispers softly that he was playing the flute for me but he never saw me dance, and then he tried to play a dirge and I sat there, emotionless in my lonely room. And then he pounded and pounded and pounded but movement never entered into my bones and I just sat there, motionless. I don't really know what to say to this man that wanted to be with me enough to kill himself, to take himself the end of his life to simply be in my room with me. So I sit down, once again deep in thought, but of a different kind, where I am not the center but the orbiting mass around this man. Who is he that he would want to know me enough to die for me? Who am I that I ignored him until this point?

..alone

I believe that there is a distinct difference between being lonely and being alone. Right now I feel very alone. I feel like that there are people in my life that I love incredibly and experiencing the depth and breath of friendship this year has been incredible. I feel like there are so many more people in my life to pour into and my heart is overwhelmed with joy thinking about these possibilities. I love nothing more than to sit down with someone and peer into their soul, digging to the point where they know someone actually cares. It makes me slightly gitty. I am very grateful for these feelings and thank God for them daily, except I think that he is bringing along another longing. I have been faced with this idea of not being known this year. I have experienced it shallowly in my small group, but I have not dumped my load yet so I don't feel like there is much intimacy. I have become exceedingly frustrated with my parents and their apathy when it comes to developing an authentic relationship with me. I want to badly for someone to know who I really am, at the marrow of my soul and I have come to the realization that the only person who will ever be able to do that is Jesus. I am so thankful to him for making needs and passionate longings that only he can fill. Divine comedy. I however feel very alone in this time of my life. Perhaps God is revealing that I am alone to prepare me to not be in that state. I feel like the gradual exposure to marriage begins with an uneasiness about one's current situation. I don't know if that is actually the reason for this feeling and I feel very trite and cliche when I mention that concept. That said, I do want someone to walk through life with more than anything else right now. Someone who is willing to ask me how my day is without me asking first. Someone who will see pain on my face and ask me how I am doing, never thinking about when I will reciprocate the same question. I want someone who will care enough to take two hours out of their day, walk to gelato and experience a slice of life with me. I want someone who is willing to risk a little, trust a little, and have faith in the person I am, with all of my wounds and oddities. I long for someone to accept me how I am but push me into who I need to become, not a leader on a project site but as a co-laborer on this journey of life. The aloneness I feel can be tasted in large groups of people, hallow conversations, mock deep conversations, and empty phone calls. I want to loose this grip on a life of mediocrity and allow the passions of my heart and my longing for so much more take me higher and higher into the presence of Jesus. I want to experience this with someone else who is just a little bit crazy. I will be waiting...

..homeless

Two days from now it will be a month since my last post. What has the last month of my existence been like? Oh dear... I don't think that there is one singlular word to sum it up. It has been a delicate and strenuous balance of conviction, realization, frustration, elation, joy, peace, unsettledness, hurt, longing, desire, tension, and a deep longing for heaven. God has been bringing me to the end of myself, again and again. It is so easy for words of God to slip from my lips, heavy with the fire of conviction and passion, but seldom to I let them soak into the soil of my being, to make substantial changes in my life. I have been treading forward, diligently with my banner thrust in the air. My lofty ideals give me comfort. My knowledge of things I view as important let me sleep peacefully at night. And then there are those time where God quietly knocks on my heart and I let him in and we have tranquil conversations, sitting on the floorboards of my soul and I realize that I have been spitting on his face and cursing him the last week of my life. I say I am sorry, not really realizing how much I have hurt him, and say a sheepish thank you, never understanding how amazing it is just to be accepted by him. I don't get how I can kill my Jesus everyday with the things that I do and yet he is so willing to wrap his arms around me and just give me a hug and a warm meal when I come back in from the streets. I am homeless without him in my life. I am a new person, with my citizenship in the heavenly realm and yet I sleep on the streets of this planet so many nights, shivering, starving, and deeply alone. I am wandering the streets of this dark, decaying world, looking for beauty and peace and joy and then I feel so foolish because I remember that my dad has all of those realities waiting for me. I am so glad that his love does not depend on my ability to remember him.

..fleeting

The things that are fleeting are my thoughts, they are fleeting away from this place. I am wondering all over the world with my brain, and then coming back the the stancdard center of it all, me. There is nothing more disgusting in life than a self centered existence. Not only do you not include God in your life but you replace him with the most faulty thing, yourself. I long just to serve. I wonder what it would feel like to be on the other side of the globe right now, risking death and disease and just doing it. Waking up early, bathing your day in prayer and faith, and going to bed completely exhausted but fulfilled and overjoyed with the promise of doing it again. Tomorrow I have no such promise. I have the promise of 3 classes, plenty of food, comfortable social interaction, and selfish thoughts. Teach me how I am to live in the place that you have put me God. Teach me to be grateful for the circumstances, situations, and people you have brought into my life. Give me new breath where I need it and transform my eyes to see my world the way in which you do. You have a phenomenal plan for my life and I am too near sighted to see it. Give me your eyes God. Give me people who long after you. Make me your child.

..tension

The concept of tension has been one that has been consuming my life as of late. It seems that there is this divine tension in everything that happens to me and I embrace it and love it while simoteniously dreading its implications. It brings me to the place where I am not comfortable with certain things that I don't think that I should be okay with. Simple things such as where are my clothes coming from, and my food, and are the choices I am making with my financial blessings really glorifying God? I have the immense tension of being so incredibly blessed to be a Christian university and be experiencing the amazing things that I have but at the same time I feel as though an intimate relationship with Christ would be so incredibly real in a situation other than this. I long for peace about this situation but rejoice in the tension, because it pushes me to think and allows me to be okay with whatever circumstance I am in. I find tension in the way I desire to live and the life that I blooming before me. Perhaps that tension is simply there to drive me to my knees in my weakness and to cry my Abba father and beg for his presence in my life. It draws me closer to a Jesus that isn't always easy to understand but takes pleasure in his ambiguity at time, since you must rely on his power to know him. Benny asked me today if I knew that Jesus loved me. The answer is yes, but sometimes I wonder if my lifestyle choices reflect my love for my Jesus.

..revolution

The taste of the world revolution on my lips is a combination of excitement, confusion, and fear. I know that I am called to live in a way that directly opposes modern culture. I don't really know how to describe it but its as if this thing, currently called "the revolution", chose me. I was sitting in nice suburbia and then transferred in the same comfort to the city and then became irrated. I started to get angry with church. 'Christians', and my school and I didn't really know where that came from. Frustration with apathy, lukewarmness, and triggered for the teaching of Jesus. These feeling began to boil up inside of me and I didn't really know what to do and I saw glimpses of it in others around campus but it was just a glimpse. The crazy thing about it now though is that there are other people like me. Except they have translated their frustration into action and have begun to live a life that stands in direct contrast with our current culture.

I suppose I sit here and I read my Bible, the beautiful words of my crazy, homeless savior, Jesus and think that they were not just lofty ideal or only culturally relevant two thousand years ago. His words transcend the culture he was in and directly apply to the United States of America in the autumn of 2006. In fact they are more than applicable, they are truly revolutionary. How sad is it that to be a revolutionary all you must do is read your Bible and do it? God help the church and the people who make up the church.

As I sit here right now, I am approximately 9 days away from entering back into SPU land, a disenchanting combination of self gratifying good works and stale good news. I walk into this year different from the last. Last year I still had the beautiful, virgin ideals of an incoming freshman but after a year, they have lost their charm and have been broken against the rocks of white, wealthy, Christianity at its worst. I am very grateful that my awkward dance with mediocrity is over. I am very much will to start a new chapter in my life. Where I view the Bible as an instruction book, not just lofty ideas, but things that I must do if I claim the name of Christ.

I have always longed to be different. I think its a naturally selfish desire to be unique and different from the rest. How ever I long for me and a ton of people to be radically different. To stay in our situations and life callings but follow Jesus, and actually try to understand what that means. I want to meet the crazies that actually believe that following Jesus is possible. That heaven is not simply a destination in the sky, but a reality that Christians are called to develop on earth, despite the sin surrounding us and in us. It seems to me, that no matter what road we go down as Christians, whether we are accountants, artists, mathematicians, fighters, protesters, revolutionaries, soccer moms, doctors, missionaries, business people, or gas attendants.

I am ready for something different. Something that I have been waiting in anticipation for the last several months. God give me the faith to actually follow the words of your Son this next year and bring me into crazy, authentic fellowship with others that are crazy in love with you too.