The depth of my faith has always been a snag for me. Do I spend too much time worrying about it? Too much time thinking about in place of actually doing it? Is it a legitimate thing for me to be concerned about or simply an outcome of my life and a character trait found out after the fact, like humility?
I think that this discussion ultimately comes down to my perspective on it. My faith is not deep enough. What is deep enough when God is eternally more complex and undiscovered? Heaven will be deep enough faith. I think that I am moving out of a state of panic though. I feel peace and a quite stillness in the fact that God is the purpose and means and end of my life and I don't feel a need to fight that right now.
If I am going to resist anything it needs too be me. My mind and schedule and tongue and life are controlled and operated by me. This is my lack of depth.
What does surrender actually look like? I am so fucking tired of singing songs about concepts and Christian words and things we want from God. I don't give anything to God if I am actually honest. Not only do I not give him much, I give him the shitty leftovers, and complaints, and dissatisfaction, and my thoughts.
I underestimate the magnitude of grace because I over estimate the beauty of myself.
God save me from my pride and myself.
God redeem my mind so I desire, honestly, for you to save me from my pride and myself.
I'm sick of this bullshit.
10.10.2007
10.06.2007
..funeral
Time has passed by and I am smiling because I am typing in this box. This is a friendship that I have been missing for a good many months.
I cannot afford an update on life up to this point and I suppose my only desire is to see my maturity through words and not through stories of growth.
I am struggling a lot right now on several funerals I have to go to. I have accepted an invitation to attend the funeral of my friend guilt and I am driving there, dressed in radiant black and I can taste the formaldehyde of its dead body when I enter into the wake. I don't think that I am over with this funeral yet.
I am dining on the refreshments after attending a funeral for my friend business. I don't speak of him anymore and he has been eliminated from my life. I am sure his ghost will haunt me though.
There is an invitation to a funeral that I haven't opened yet. It's for a friend. Not a friend that's an adjective, but a friend. The problem is that I won't be able to attend a funeral or watch them be buried by distance or time, because they are in my life, except wordless and timelessly present. I don't know if it's the 'good Christian' thing to do. To open the invitation. I know it's something I don't want to do, and don't want to admit.
I cannot afford an update on life up to this point and I suppose my only desire is to see my maturity through words and not through stories of growth.
I am struggling a lot right now on several funerals I have to go to. I have accepted an invitation to attend the funeral of my friend guilt and I am driving there, dressed in radiant black and I can taste the formaldehyde of its dead body when I enter into the wake. I don't think that I am over with this funeral yet.
I am dining on the refreshments after attending a funeral for my friend business. I don't speak of him anymore and he has been eliminated from my life. I am sure his ghost will haunt me though.
There is an invitation to a funeral that I haven't opened yet. It's for a friend. Not a friend that's an adjective, but a friend. The problem is that I won't be able to attend a funeral or watch them be buried by distance or time, because they are in my life, except wordless and timelessly present. I don't know if it's the 'good Christian' thing to do. To open the invitation. I know it's something I don't want to do, and don't want to admit.
7.02.2007
..growth
- consistancy, comfort, apathy
- relativity, no foundation, meaningless
- growth rates
- pros and cons
- transformation
- only what we can handle implying change
- relativity, no foundation, meaningless
- growth rates
- pros and cons
- transformation
- only what we can handle implying change
6.20.2007
..challanged
Currently, I am living in the U-District, interning at FareStart, and trying to find some sort of job. Although life is the way that I want it, I also kind of hate it right now. Everything is so disgustingly comfortable. I realized today that I haven't really hit anything hard and that worries me. I feel stagnant and apathetic, or that basically everything I do is expected of me, as though it fits my personality or the "stereotype" that I am attempting to play. This has been really difficult for me. I also have been struggling with my idenity a lot recently too and I think that I need to spend more time with God. I don't want that to be the reason that I do it, but it definatley a positive side effect. I also don't really feel like I own anything right now and that is a strange feeling. I feel like the my personhood is being leached out and taken up by a lot of other people and that is a very strange feeling. Haha, look at that. I also feel like people are gauging conversation around me and telling me things that I want to hear, and at time it feels like they are trying to impress me which is so very weird. I am sure that it is going to be fine, just a few of the pot hole I have hit so far.
I need to pray more.
I need to pray more.
5.08.2007
..honesty
Today has been a great journey of understanding when it comes to the role of honesty in my life. I spent a lot of my day sitting in UI interviews, asking questions and trying to probe into the heart of the people that were applying. I just really wanted to know their heart and I wanted them to feel comfortable enough in the process that they could do it. I think that I am going to have a disclaimer for all of the interviews tomorrow.
I also learned a lot about honesty in my small group tonight. I asked a question about nun's and their romantic view of God and what everyone thought about it and it brought about very engaging and amazing conversation. I learned that I feel most initimately connected with God when I am being one hundred percent honest with him. The times when I break down in prayer and get angry and hit the couch and swear are the times when I feel most connected with God. If I am sitting there and basically bullshitting the creator of the universe it is the biggest insult I can pay him. I also think I discovered the importance of unconditional love too. Its that love that allows me to know that I can be completely authentic with Jesus and he will still be there when I am finished. The times I am most vulnerable with where I am and with God are the times in my life when I feel like I know myself the best.
We also talked a lot about how much of our perspective on God really effected the way we view life and other relationships. I realized that honesty is the way that I feel most loved, respected, and intimate with a person. I feel a deep sense of connectedness with another person when I feel like they are giving me something authentic. I desire this immensely for my relationships with others and demand it of myself. I think that I take this raw honesty into every serious relationship I get in and use it as my pressidence until I am forced to do otherwise. I think this is what kills me about my damaged relationships, I feel like I communicate differently and thats because I do, I am far more calculated with my thoughts. This space kills so much of me. I want nothing more than for reconciliation to happen and for me to trust enough again to be real with that other person but I think that hearts are healed very very slowly. I also think that I have a lot of personal insecurity when it comes to people who have hurt me and I think that I display a lot of self-protective behaviors.
Something else I realized tonight too is the role of God that my husband will hopefully play in my life. I was thinking about the relationship that I want with him and kind of the way I would like him to be and a lot of that had to do with the way I view Jesus. I want him to be passionate about life and I want it to be an overwhelming force of tension and grappling with the core of life, leading to deep and authentic living. I want someone who always knows that there is something better and is pressing on towards that something really really hard. I think that I am excited for the heart of the man I will one day marry and the way that God is preparing him to show me so much Jesus. It also gives me comfort in myself, knowing that in all of this randomness that is my heart and brain, I am becoming refined to be a living and present face of God in someone else's life. Haha, so much for looking for someone. What a waste of time...
I also learned a lot about honesty in my small group tonight. I asked a question about nun's and their romantic view of God and what everyone thought about it and it brought about very engaging and amazing conversation. I learned that I feel most initimately connected with God when I am being one hundred percent honest with him. The times when I break down in prayer and get angry and hit the couch and swear are the times when I feel most connected with God. If I am sitting there and basically bullshitting the creator of the universe it is the biggest insult I can pay him. I also think I discovered the importance of unconditional love too. Its that love that allows me to know that I can be completely authentic with Jesus and he will still be there when I am finished. The times I am most vulnerable with where I am and with God are the times in my life when I feel like I know myself the best.
We also talked a lot about how much of our perspective on God really effected the way we view life and other relationships. I realized that honesty is the way that I feel most loved, respected, and intimate with a person. I feel a deep sense of connectedness with another person when I feel like they are giving me something authentic. I desire this immensely for my relationships with others and demand it of myself. I think that I take this raw honesty into every serious relationship I get in and use it as my pressidence until I am forced to do otherwise. I think this is what kills me about my damaged relationships, I feel like I communicate differently and thats because I do, I am far more calculated with my thoughts. This space kills so much of me. I want nothing more than for reconciliation to happen and for me to trust enough again to be real with that other person but I think that hearts are healed very very slowly. I also think that I have a lot of personal insecurity when it comes to people who have hurt me and I think that I display a lot of self-protective behaviors.
Something else I realized tonight too is the role of God that my husband will hopefully play in my life. I was thinking about the relationship that I want with him and kind of the way I would like him to be and a lot of that had to do with the way I view Jesus. I want him to be passionate about life and I want it to be an overwhelming force of tension and grappling with the core of life, leading to deep and authentic living. I want someone who always knows that there is something better and is pressing on towards that something really really hard. I think that I am excited for the heart of the man I will one day marry and the way that God is preparing him to show me so much Jesus. It also gives me comfort in myself, knowing that in all of this randomness that is my heart and brain, I am becoming refined to be a living and present face of God in someone else's life. Haha, so much for looking for someone. What a waste of time...
4.16.2007
..empty
Hi Mr. Blog.
Today, and the last great while, I feel a deep, pithy sense of emptiness in my life. I sit here eating chips and hummus and my world is very very stable. I don't need anything really, no food, no provisions, and the possibilities of my life are being seized and explored. Separating myself from myself I think that my life is fine. I am moving forward, although not as fast as I would like, but I don't feel as though I am stagnant.
The problem then? I feel like life has been sucked out of me. I feel like I haven't been relying on God and I feel as though I am completely meaningless and powerless without him in my life. Another problem. I don't know what to do about this. I have grand thoughts about willing myself into a deeper relationship with God. Maybe playing an arm wrestling game of Biblical devotion or time spent in prayer and then win and then feel close to him again. I don't even want to entertain those thoughts though. I want to be in love with Jesus and I want to feel very very alive because I am living with him.
I have been incapable of loving recently. I feel as though I am floating through life, doing things and meeting with people and having 'deep' conversation but really I am kind of faking it. I don't feel it so I put on the fake mask of grins and lukewarm theology and nondescript love and make it through my days. Sleep is entirely unsatisfying for me right now. I do it but I don't like it. I don't think about Jesus before I go to bed and I have dreams that are meaningless or frustrating and wake up feeling like I wasted my time. I find that I am pushing things that I know are gifts from God, through my life, because I have hope that sometime in the future I won't feel like this.
I miss Jesus so much. I think that right now I am keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to think about my vacuum because it hurts so badly. I instantly come to the edge of tears and then run away, scared of the pain that jumping off of the edge would cause.
I don't want to be like this. I want the passions and desires of my life to beautifully taint every part of who I am. I want to be amazingly excited about life and possibility and Jesus.
I want to feel life deeper but I don't know how to right now.
ps. moderately obsessed with the Myers-Briggs test. I am an INFJ and that is me to a T (except I am not a T).
Today, and the last great while, I feel a deep, pithy sense of emptiness in my life. I sit here eating chips and hummus and my world is very very stable. I don't need anything really, no food, no provisions, and the possibilities of my life are being seized and explored. Separating myself from myself I think that my life is fine. I am moving forward, although not as fast as I would like, but I don't feel as though I am stagnant.
The problem then? I feel like life has been sucked out of me. I feel like I haven't been relying on God and I feel as though I am completely meaningless and powerless without him in my life. Another problem. I don't know what to do about this. I have grand thoughts about willing myself into a deeper relationship with God. Maybe playing an arm wrestling game of Biblical devotion or time spent in prayer and then win and then feel close to him again. I don't even want to entertain those thoughts though. I want to be in love with Jesus and I want to feel very very alive because I am living with him.
I have been incapable of loving recently. I feel as though I am floating through life, doing things and meeting with people and having 'deep' conversation but really I am kind of faking it. I don't feel it so I put on the fake mask of grins and lukewarm theology and nondescript love and make it through my days. Sleep is entirely unsatisfying for me right now. I do it but I don't like it. I don't think about Jesus before I go to bed and I have dreams that are meaningless or frustrating and wake up feeling like I wasted my time. I find that I am pushing things that I know are gifts from God, through my life, because I have hope that sometime in the future I won't feel like this.
I miss Jesus so much. I think that right now I am keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to think about my vacuum because it hurts so badly. I instantly come to the edge of tears and then run away, scared of the pain that jumping off of the edge would cause.
I don't want to be like this. I want the passions and desires of my life to beautifully taint every part of who I am. I want to be amazingly excited about life and possibility and Jesus.
I want to feel life deeper but I don't know how to right now.
ps. moderately obsessed with the Myers-Briggs test. I am an INFJ and that is me to a T (except I am not a T).
3.31.2007
..choice
Oh boy, it’s been a long while since I have been here. I think that its because I have been a long while from being in close relationship to God. Looking back on the last month of my life I see a whole lot of nothingness and apathy and laziness. I barely pulled through the end of the quarter and stumbled through Plunge and spring break in a daze, confused and asleep. It has really really sucked. Last night I cried about it and I have felt uneasy about 'it' for a little over a week.
Honestly, I like that it sucks. I like that all of my life feels like shit when I am not okay with God. It would terrify me to think about what it would mean if my relationship with Jesus went down the drain and my life remained stable, completely unaffected. This proves to me that it’s real. The fact that I suffer in its absence is proof that it is absolutely legitimate. Being in love with someone affects every dimension of my life and if I am actually in a 'romantic' relationship it should have that same, deeply penetrating presence in my life.
So here it is: I have been looking for God. Basically my whole life and I will be until I reach heaven. It’s at the very core of my being and that longing for God will never go away, whether or not I am conscious of it. Before I came to know Jesus I was looking for him and when I am choosing not to follow him I am still looking for him.
I look for him in other people, in experiences, in who I am and I am so frustrated all of the time because I can never ever be satisfied. I look for unconditional love, complete acceptance, deep understanding, unending compassion and peace in so many of my human relationships. I get so frustrated and depressed with they can't do this. When they basically just suck at life and I stand there and am so dissatisfied with their failure. When I am not satisfied and following Jesus, I look for him in others and hate life because they are human beings.
I am searching for God. Letting this be a fact that defines my life makes me so much more serious about everything I have in it. The one thing that God plays over and over and over and over in the Old Testament is the role of false Gods. God warned Israel so many times not to create false Gods and I have always thought that he repeated himself too much. You think that they would have gotten the point after a while and I get bored with reading it over and over again. I think that I kind of understand why the same point is brought up so many times. Being both a person made in the image of God, I am looking for him and at the same time I am a person of free will, with an endless selection of gods that I could choose from. This situation is the most dangerous and serious one in my life.
If I am honest about my faith journey passion and tension and faith have all played key roles but the role of idol worship in my life have been the one thing that is consistently crippling to my relationship with Jesus. It is the easiest thing to fall into and I do it all of the time, every single day of my life. That fucking sucks. I would vomit, or at least I hope I would vomit, at the ration of God worship to idol worship in my life.
If I look at the past and let it predict the future, as I often do during these times of 'drought', I get really, really discouraged. I think that the fact that God's grace is new every morning forces me to make a decision every morning and every moment of my day as to whether or not I will allow God to be God in my life or if I will try to awkwardly stuff a friend, experience, personality type, or fantasy into that place in my life. I am a thinking and rationalizing human being and I praise God that I am. It makes this life with him so much better because it is so real. In the midst of my thankfulness I must always remember that I am a person of free will and I am person born after the fall and in my nature I choose idols over God.
What is it going to be?
Honestly, I like that it sucks. I like that all of my life feels like shit when I am not okay with God. It would terrify me to think about what it would mean if my relationship with Jesus went down the drain and my life remained stable, completely unaffected. This proves to me that it’s real. The fact that I suffer in its absence is proof that it is absolutely legitimate. Being in love with someone affects every dimension of my life and if I am actually in a 'romantic' relationship it should have that same, deeply penetrating presence in my life.
So here it is: I have been looking for God. Basically my whole life and I will be until I reach heaven. It’s at the very core of my being and that longing for God will never go away, whether or not I am conscious of it. Before I came to know Jesus I was looking for him and when I am choosing not to follow him I am still looking for him.
I look for him in other people, in experiences, in who I am and I am so frustrated all of the time because I can never ever be satisfied. I look for unconditional love, complete acceptance, deep understanding, unending compassion and peace in so many of my human relationships. I get so frustrated and depressed with they can't do this. When they basically just suck at life and I stand there and am so dissatisfied with their failure. When I am not satisfied and following Jesus, I look for him in others and hate life because they are human beings.
I am searching for God. Letting this be a fact that defines my life makes me so much more serious about everything I have in it. The one thing that God plays over and over and over and over in the Old Testament is the role of false Gods. God warned Israel so many times not to create false Gods and I have always thought that he repeated himself too much. You think that they would have gotten the point after a while and I get bored with reading it over and over again. I think that I kind of understand why the same point is brought up so many times. Being both a person made in the image of God, I am looking for him and at the same time I am a person of free will, with an endless selection of gods that I could choose from. This situation is the most dangerous and serious one in my life.
If I am honest about my faith journey passion and tension and faith have all played key roles but the role of idol worship in my life have been the one thing that is consistently crippling to my relationship with Jesus. It is the easiest thing to fall into and I do it all of the time, every single day of my life. That fucking sucks. I would vomit, or at least I hope I would vomit, at the ration of God worship to idol worship in my life.
If I look at the past and let it predict the future, as I often do during these times of 'drought', I get really, really discouraged. I think that the fact that God's grace is new every morning forces me to make a decision every morning and every moment of my day as to whether or not I will allow God to be God in my life or if I will try to awkwardly stuff a friend, experience, personality type, or fantasy into that place in my life. I am a thinking and rationalizing human being and I praise God that I am. It makes this life with him so much better because it is so real. In the midst of my thankfulness I must always remember that I am a person of free will and I am person born after the fall and in my nature I choose idols over God.
What is it going to be?
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