..need

God has a funny way of responding to me. I cried and whined at him last night, discontent with my circumstances and the substance of my life and went to bed asking God to become a need in my life. When I pried my eyes open this morning to face my day I saw clearly the flip side of my passionate night and the lack of faith I actually possessed. Where would I be if God let me have my way with myself? I would be stranded in middle Asia with a weak faith and be just as discontent with life because my heart had not changed, merely my location. I realized that having an overwhelming desire to be elsewhere illuminated the fact that I had not faith in him to work here. If God is big, He is big everywhere and if I don't see it then there is something wrong with me, not God. He is no bigger in India or in Africa than he is at Seattle Pacific University. Wanting something other than what he has given me proves how much maturing I need to do to bring me to a place where I can go some place and not melt under pressure. I have the passion now but I do not have the maturity and the discipline to make radical, reformed life applicable to me. I need to mature in the walm waters of a Christian campus for a few years, learn to trust in God (he knows I cannot get through this school by myself), and then he will give me the desires of my heart because I will have earnestly sought him. He didn't give me a passion for something completely different than what I have seen my whole life for no reason. He won't let that die with time and fade with the grind of school and culture. But I need to be refined so that the passion inside can be most clearly seen as Christ, meaning I must become invisible and only be found in him. That takes time and although it might be hardest in a place saturated with Khristians, I will be that much stronger to face the simple, raw things of this world.

My mom asked me to lunch today. It made me feel loved.
Jeremy apologized for Pamela and her outburst. It made me feel cared for.