..knowing

I want to know so much. I want to know the answers to my questions and be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt. I think that the weight of knowing is so overlooked though. The moment I know is the moment I am held accountable for knowing. The Bible says that the people to whom much is given much is required. In my flesh I think I want to know but if I actually think about it, I don't want to know. Faith seems so much harder because the tomorrows of my life are so gray and vague. The converse of that reality, a clear understanding and full knowledge of what tomorrow hold would be way more terrifying. It would be impossible to need God. For me though, I don't know tomorrow but I know things today. I know that I am suppose to wait a year to apply to Antioch House, I know that I am suppose to apply to be an SMC, I know that my tomorrow will be okay if God is the one holding my hand through it. The knowing part is the hard part though. If I know I am held responsible to that knowledge and defending it. I have to defend it from people who do not know yet. My parents do not know. I know through Christ therefore I must lean only on that and not waiver because of other people's ignorance. Its just hard when the ignorant and complacent people are the ones that shaped your life and led you for so many years. I know but I am not strong enough yet. I am not strong enough to know and defend and that is fine when there are no forces coming against me. I don't really know what to do with my parents yet. My soul crumbles and breaks watching them at work. In every memory of the times when they once were alive in Christ my soul is pounded into a more bloody mess. It breaks me to watch them wallow in remembrance of the days of old when they know things that, if they were fleshed out in their lives, would look so different. The separation of me and my parents has been good. I need it to know more and be responsible for that knowing.