..why

Why am I at Seattle Pacific University? Why am I here, in a place that seems to be mediocre to me, and have a passion for something so much bigger? Why do I desire to be broken, emptied of myself, yet remain in an environment that makes it so easy to not rely on God? Why am I waiting for tomorrow to come for my life to begin when I am never promised tomorrow? Why do I have to be surrounded by peers at a school to learn about God? Why is it not possible for me to learn about life and God through action? Why is my faith so weak that I seek something different than the place I am? If God is everywhere that means that he is here, but does that necessarily mean that I am suppose to be here? Is the reason I am here because I am too afraid to go and do something or is it for preparation for something in the future? If I do not want a life of mini-vans and ballet practice why am I preparing for it through my actions now? If the choices I make today create the person I am 5 years from now, don't I need to change something today in order to be the person I know Christ desires me to be? I want to be dead to myself and live a life that requires Christ and leaves no option otherwise. I would much rather have a life that makes me weep bitterly at the end of each day out of frustration, but in that moment be completely emptied of myself that I have no strength of my own. I want to die. I want to live as Christ. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his suffering. I want to be broken and crushed for the sake of Christ. I want to be found in him, knowing nothing of myself because at the end of it, I don't matter. This shell that is me will die and there will be nothing left here. I don't care about my reputation or ego but I want to be only in Christ. I suppose I want to be perfect in Christ but I realize that that is a process. If to obtain that perfection I have to die to myself, should I find the place that I can do that the fastest in or the place where it is the most difficult? I think I am going to go cry now.