..connection

I need a deep, deep connection in my life right now. I need uniformity in my faith and in my life and I need them to be completely one in the same. There is no room in my mind for a faith that is understood without the lifestyle that reflects that. If Jesus loved the displaced and poor of his generation, that is where his faith met his life and that is where mine should be reflected as well. If I continue to live a faith that can be verbalized but not necessarily seen in my life then I am the ultimate hypocrite and should not be viewed as a Christian. The purity of heart that I search for is only possible through Christ and it is through him that the things that I know and the things that I do and the person I am all become one. I want to be one in Christ, in every possible inch of my being. The more I die to myself the more of him I will reveal and he is unity. There needs to be an unavoidable simplicity in my life if I am going to call myself a Christian. I don't really know what I have been afraid of up to this point. Perhaps I look around and see what the standard of Christian living is and see it simply as a melancholy existence that is a quiet groaning of dissatisfaction. There is a discontentment in it that doesn't appeal to me and I don't want it. I don't want to grow up to be the Christians that I had modeled for me in my life. I want to be entirely different. My lifestyle will be different and therefore I will have a spotlight aimed at me, although I do nothing for the spotlight. It will focus its rays and expose every point of my life, even the ones that I desire to keep hidden just because I want personal intimacy in Christ. I need to become mature enough to withstand the spotlight and not melt under its scrutiny and ignorance. I need to live a life free of fear, because I know what the ultimate result of my lifestyle will be, and perfect love casts out all fear. I want to live in passionate, life consuming love; for God and through that love for God, others. There is so much simplicity in the life I want to live. Christ takes all of who I am, throws away everything that doesn't make him happy and fills me with himself so I am nothing but his. When people see me they should see a Lindsey who is peeling and crumbling, like the decaying wallpaper in a crack house kitchen, to reveal what is underneath- Jesus. Each day I should slowly, despite its pain, peel away more and more of my decaying flesh to be left only with Christ. There is nothing else to live for. Nothing else will leave me happy. Husband. Children. House. Wealth. Family. Success. Happiness. Fulfillment. Uniqueness. Nothing will leave me complete at the end of the day because I was created to be in a passionate, life-consuming infatuation with Christ, where all else is a distraction compared to the desire I feel towards him. Abba, help me fall into deep, borderless, wild, carefree passion with you. That is the only thing that will every satisfy me, ever.