..confession

This section on confession is difficult for me, not necessarily the confession part but the love part. It is difficult for me to love myself at times. Let me clarify, I don't sit paralyzed by fear or in self-doubt but I know how sinful I am and how much I need a savior. I continually thank Christ for his work for me and for loving me despite all the times I go astray. The part that is difficult is loving myself despite all of the reasons I shouldn't. The logical stream of thought that often flows through my mind is Christ loved me enough to die for me and all of my sins and he loves me still. Because he loves me and I am learning to love through him, shouldn't I love myself?

I struggle so much with this. What does loving myself look like? Is it self-righteous admiration or seeing myself through the glasses of Christ? Quezada makes the logical connection between confession of sin and the forgiveness of Christ, which is his love. He then connects the forgiveness of Christ as forgiveness that we should apply in our own lives, thus forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves. It causes me to wonder if I really have forgiven myself because that cannot be seen through my own self-love.

The part of this reading that I understand is releasing unrealistic expectations from my daily thoughts and life. I am learning to live in the moment, with a balanced view of eternity in the back of my mind. Lofty goals and extreme aspirations allow me to look to the path I can take to that point, my own personal strength getting me there. I devise plans for my life, slowly squeezing God out the more concrete plans I make. The releasing of unrealistic goals allows the faith that I have to flourish, not limiting it to confines of my own finite thinking.

I still haven’t reached balance in my life and while I know that I need to change, I am fine with not being perfect yet. I have been broken of my pride and shown my real and very personal need for Christ and for that I am thankful. I need to learn the other side of that experience and learn to love myself because of who I am in Christ, because if he loves me than there must be something special there.