..passion

Where to start... I love Jesus and that love is all consuming. I forget sometimes how much I do love him when I get busy and fill my life with things other than him. But at the end of the day, when my heart is quiet and I come into his presence I really really do love him and that love is a longing and desire that is only quenched through him. The struggle that I am facing right now though is one of passion. I am a person of passion and the more I fall into a consuming relationship with Christ the bigger that passion becomes. It is like a ball of fire, deep within my heart that is always there and never satisfied. The moments that I feel okay with it are usually the moments when I am conveniently forgetting its presence in my life. It is the time when I stop and think that I become wrestles and my heart breaks and I want to cry because I don't know what to do with it. I am really frustrated right now. I applied to be an SMC because maybe that would be a good way to use it. Forest Home over the summer perhaps... But I don't feel satisfied and I feel as though I am scrapping things together to use my fiery ball of passion but they are not the things that it was intended for. What do I do? I have fallen in love with Jesus and yet feel ultimately stuck at the same time. Why would the God I love place so much burning passion in my body and then reveal what it needs to be used for. I know that I am designed to pursue and love God and others with reckless abandonment and that is all my heart desires. I fear that if I remain like this much longer I will cry a lot or just slowly suffocate the passion that is currently bringing me more pain than joy.

"But if we hope fore what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8.25