..currently

This is the blog where I wish that there was someone to talk to instead of typing out my thoughts, but there's not so this is a shitty second.

Currently, how do I feel. I don't know if I know but I will give a flailing stab at it and probably hit one or two states of being correctly in the process.

I feel apathetic. I feel like I don't trust the passion that I have prayed for so much and I don't feel like my soul is on fire right now. I feel a little numb to it all but at the same time deeply, achingly discontent with this current state of being.
I am afraid that I have suppressed certain feelings so well that I am killing myself slowly, but accepting it because it make my current circumstances more tolerable. I could sit here and passionately type about the evils of killing or displacing your passions but it would all be a bunch of hypocritical bullshit because its kind of what I am doing.

I feel alone, kind of. Its not this lonely alone where I want friends or I desire interaction, but I simply feel alone in the things that I am thinking about and I don't know if I have anyone to talk to and I guess that's okay. Maybe I don't just want to be okay though.

I feel confused a lot. I feel like I don't know what the hell is going on with my theology.
I am starting to believe in a big God, a God that doesn't work within the context of my mind or my reasoning, and I don't know what that means in my life. I don't know how much of me that lets me believe in and I don't know what that does to things like God's will for my life...

I feel like God is purifying my love for him. I know this because often I just want to cry. Not because I am sad but because I just want to be with God and this world is so much of a terrible distraction so much of the time. I feel like often I am just floating because it hurts to much not to be with God but there is so much that seems so petty in this world that I am required to embrace.

I feel like I don't know at all what is happening with my summer or my next year. My opinion on this subject changes hourly and I don't trust myself or my heart any more.

Here are my current options:
Summer-
YWAM in San Francisco
Perkins Center adventure
Jesus People
Colorado Springs...
UI Sprint Trip
Trashy waitress job (become a smoker)

Next Year-
Become homeless and dropout
StreetLevel
Intentional Community
UI Coordinator
New Horizons
House with cool kids

I don't know if I even want any of these though. I think that I just want to push fast forward on this transition and move on to the next stage of my life and I want it to be a lot more real and dirty than this one.

I feel so conflicted about my dad. He really hasn't done anything that I can point to as a scaring emotional experience or anything but at the same time I feel so incredible hurt by him. I am eating dinner with him tomorrow and for some reason I am very apprehensive about it. I don't think I have faith that God can heal us but its all I want. If I could choose to have two relationships reconciled on the whole planet he would be my first choice in a heart beat.

I don't know how I feel about service right now at all. I feel so empty and hollow and hypocritical because it hasn't been a part of my life for so long. I miss it but at the same time I don't want it to be the end all of my faith and I am scared of it.

I haven't been reading my Bible regularly. I kinda threw this practice out with legitimate reasons but I feel like it is killing me slowly. I am loosing a basis for truth in my life and am so hungry for a glimpse of black and white in my world that seems so gray.

My friendship with a friend is different right now. This is something that I don't really know what to do with at all. I just pray a lot. Is this response a cop out?

I don't really now what the hell is happening to me. Its not as apocalyptic as it might sound in this post but its still strange. I think I might go make angry confused and hurting pray with Jesus tomorrow. I think he knows what my heart feels like right now.