..pissed

For some reason I am really angry right now. I have been feeling unsettled all day and for about 5 minutes at lunch I just walked around campus, disgusted with the thought of being in any place in the whole world. I just wanted to take an ultimate break, and be nothing for an hour. Today, nothing has felt relaxing. Not a minute in my day. I want to be no where because I feel like in every corner of my life there is some problem, silently waiting to be discovered and I, frankly, could give a fuck about undiscovered problems right now in my life.

I think that I am pissed because I have felt just below par in most everything in my life. I am taking classes in three different fields, getting a minor in another and working in a different context. So this leads me to three different cultures, three different ways of thought and I am spread to thin to be adequate at any of them. I had to hand out a reference form to a professor who knew my 'academic ability' and realized that I have only had one professor for more than one class. I understand why I am doing all of these studies and I see the value of each one and the emergent whole they produce but I am pissed that that means that there is a tinge of mediocrity in each of them.

I am also pissed because I feel as though my life is not my own. Not like I am victim but life just keeps coming. Today I have things to do that I did not plan or propose and my tomorrow and weekend and next week have the same feeling. I am not disappointed in any of the activities, just resent the feeling like I am being pulled around by my life on a rope.

Recently I have started to shower more. This might not be that strange of a change but I think that I am beginning to realize that I exist. Some days I don't exist enough to brush my teeth or sleep more than 4 hours and then I am a zombie of acting Lindsey, that has little to give and what is offered is gilded with false excitement. Sometimes I see value in not existing, like it is the ultimate goal of a sacrificial life. This troubles me because I don't know how to love people outside of my body or my person.

blah blah blah, my life... blah blah blah so pissed...

Oh, something else I am pissed about right now. Arrogant students. Maybe junior year is the most exciting because you have the vocabulary to talk like you know your shit and you know enough to think that you know that your shit is the shit. I am to my core a student, there is always a different perspective to discover, a different means to an already achieved end, and a different discipline to come to the same conclusion. I don't want to be a sociology major because then I have to be a sociology major and act superior about social issues to prove that the $75,000 I have spent on my education so far has been money well spent. I wish I could just listen to people explain what they are learning. I don't want to argue, I want to listen to people who are listening too.

The last thing that I am pissed about right now, or more accurately, the last thing that I am choosing to complain about, is soft language. I want to know what people are thinking. You can be direct, sincere, and honest and I want to hear that from people. I don't want to hear a "I think..." or "I feel like...", just say it. Own how you feel. Know what you are thinking and just say it. If it pisses people off, maybe that's good. Maybe ask for forgiveness more than not saying anything ever.

Dammit.

So maybe I just want to eat a moon pie on the moon right now and have it be 72 degrees (my most favorite temperature) and talk with a friend until we are done. I will probably be sitting on a crater, swinging my feet and the little pooch of fat on my belly will hang over my jeans and I will be happy.