1. The more I learn about myself the more I realize that humility is not optional in my life. Humility is not an attitude or a demeanor that I have, it's a state of reality. Over the last week I have been discovering more of who I am, not who I want to be or think I am when I am trying. My propensity to do things that are selfish or wrong or unwise is usually overwhelming, but a state that I often intentionally overlook so I that I can focus on my successes instead of my failures. In the past, my life was metered by morality and performance failure was unacceptable and would push me into a state of flagellation and torment. Over time I have been introduced to grace but it has remained a largely abstract concept in my life. Right now, I feel like I am looking at the pile of shit that is my life, with all of its beauty and decay, and don’t feel paralyzed by my inadequacies. Grace is what allows me to look honestly at what my personhood is composed of in reality and not want to look away with disgust. It just pushes me into forced humility. When I keep on going, making choices and living life, I can do it with hope, knowing that my diseased existence is redeemed through Christ. This all may be fundamental or elementary, but grace is not a place that I go very much and I usually have no fucking idea how I am suppose to receive it from God. The pastor at Grace Church (probably not ironic...) said that if reality were fully understood then happiness would never be achievable. I have to believe that he is wrong. Nothing makes me happier than knowing the reality of my life and knowing that Jesus chooses to love me despite of it.
2. Information is strange. We all want to know information about each other. Gossip is nice because it is an exchange of valued information about others. It can often have terrible effects on relationships, but I think that it is ultimately done in a desire to know other people. I have noticed that people have been talking a lot recently about finding out about engagements over Facebook. They are usually pissed and rightly so. An exchange of information between friends is what intimacy and value is often based upon. I find that I am often evaluating the worth of relationships upon the amount of information know between myself and the other person. I feel honored when people choose to tell me things and feel loved when they ask about me. Today I had an experience where I was offered substantial information about 4 people, two of which I really just met tonight. The information was heavy and overwhelming and I feel like the structure of the relationships are not developed enough to support it. I realized tonight that I am at a loss at how to manage it and properly show support and concern for them.
3. I think that I am moving to a new place in my faith. After a year of communal understanding and emphasis in my relationship with God, I am a little burnt out. I want to want God for myself. I have wanted a secret and very personal relationship with him recently, one that is not accessed by others for a while. This desire has been seeping into my other relationships and has caused me to desire intimacy in friendships that I cannot always navigate very well. It causes me to want people to know me in ways that they can’t and makes me irritated at them when they don’t. I want to be able to appreciate people for who they are and rest in the fact that I am known regardless of their ignorance.
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