Whatever. I'm not going to and that's okay.
I want to stop agreeing with people. Sometimes in conversation I am the bobblehead that prompts questions and keeps the string of talking alive by being agreeable. Usually I agree with what others are saying and it is a natural response but I think that it makes some conversations strange. I am interested in hearing what people have to say and discovering what they think about issues and the perspective they hold to help them arrive at that point. My agreement with their statements has very little to do with my interest in their personhood (loonies fall into a different category that is label-less to make it nicer). Agreement can make things seem conditional, as in: talk, nod, affirm, report back to others that it was a 'good' conversation. I think that this boils down (indulge my oversimplification) to a desire to be self-perpetuating with thoughts. Instead of entertaining new ideas as valid and worth of exploration, I will nod and prompt you into conversation I desire to be in. Often times I am extremely passive with my disagreements, formulating them in my mind and never sharing them. It compounds the problem by projecting a response of agreement when it was never there to being with. Whatever.
I also hate the word 'good'. It is going on the banned word list (Gay, 2005; Retarded, January 2007; Interesting, after I graduate from the sociology department at SPU; Should, July 2008; Good, July 25, 2008). It communicates nothing of substance. When I respond with 'good,' I really mean twenty other things and so it is simply a prop that I employ out of laziness. I also have a strong aversion to placing people, ideas, or experiences in 'good' and 'bad' categories. Life is infinitely more complex then good, bad, positive, negative, and I should be living into that reality through the way I speak and reflect on situations. Waiting for deep conversations to come along to explore the more nuanced aspects of life places far too much importance on the planned interactions of coffee or meetings, when the passing moments that dot my life can be quick little glimpses into something bigger.
Secret: I stole the Seattle section of a newspaper from a bakery today. I felt guilty at first but then my raspberry buttonhole was expensive/disappointing so I somehow felt okay about it.
Secret: I think I might be lonely.
4 comments:
Thank you for having the courage to stop agreeing with people. As far as the word "good"... I think I, and many others, use the word "good" as a defense (i.e. "How are you?" response "I'm good."). I say "good" because I have social anxiety and do not wish to perpetuate the conversation. If I were to say "I'm not doing that well." I would have to explain myself. So, saying "I'm good." is the ultimate shrug off. I mean, it's no deeper than saying "Hello".
Raspberry buttonhole is a very strange name for a pastry. At first I thought you were talking about a belly button.
Funny, the night you wrote this I was thinking about how much I needed to express myself honestly to everyone, not as much because I pretend to agree with people, more that I just don't express my disagreements, and I clam up.
Interesting to know.
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