..suffocating

The sun shines and leaves blow and my hope like autumn is turning brown. And I know that it seems likes I'm always falling down. But it does not matter to me although it seems like should. It's because I know I am understood when I hear them say, "Rest in us little David and dry all your tears. You can lay down your armor and have no fear, cause we're always here when your tired of running and we're all the strength that you need." Its uphill, both ways, tomorrow I swear I won't act this way. I know it seems like is what I always say. You know I want to be like Jesus but it seems so very far away. When will I learn to obey, obey?


Morality will never salve/solve my problems. There is always a deeper condition of my soul and faith that remain unexplored when moral solutions are offered as the quick and painless remedies to my sickness and human cancer. My brokenness is blatant and very fragrant in my life, creating a basket of failures that can be overwhelmingly huge and impossible to ignore. Experiencing God as Grace and experiencing God as Love has been a struggle ever since I gave my life away. They take my basket away, composting my loss at the cost of their Son's death and I tremble when it happens. I find myself desiring to be able to give away my decay more quickly, keeping the pile of shit to a minimum and moving on to a better and healthier me. I fail at this too. I keep my failure because I find a twisted form of comfort in my disease, in the reminders of inadequacy. This is my plight and honestly, I barely survive it most of the time, getting through because of the life support of forgiveness given by God/Spirit/Son. The place where I do not know how to navigate is when morality is offered as a band-aid by others. When the people I share life with submit remedies of fixes and moral placebos that will never come to fruition but will rot away under the banner of hope. If I am not holding myself to a standard of morality as the measure of my life in Christ how am I suppose to navigate a community that is? If morality and its gilded lies quicken my demise as a believer how do I convey this to the people who drag me back into rules and regulation?

I want to live a moral life in Their kingdom.

I could give a fuck about being a moral person. The injection of pride that I get when I create laws to live by is an addictive fix but causes my soul to blacken and harden into a robotic and calculated machine. In my sickness I am looking for a doctor. Someone to heal me not give me a pill. I don't trust prescriptions of 'try harder,' 'communicate more,' 'you should _____ more.' Thank you, but I desire a healer that can reach into my chest and remove my death in its fullness and anecdotal reminders of an improved lifestyle will never cut it. My cancer will not vanish under a routine of morality, that treatment will just lull me into the hollow comfort of false remission. Healthy life, the joy of salvation and being owned and redeemed by a God of Grace and Love is the only cure that will survive my relapses of failure. It is in this confusing and delicate miracle that I place the totality of hope for a well-lived life. Keep your morality to yourself please. Your solutions to problems may work for you but they lead me death. I cannot keep myself to my standards and yours are far too heavy to bear.

In Them, this bazaar and beautiful chaos of Love, Forgiveness, and Grace that is called the Trinity, is where I find abundant life. Please take your offering of effort and cyclical moral piety somewhere else because I am crushed and suffocating under their endless weight.