..Jesus

I pray also for those who will believe in me through [the disciples] message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them. [John chapter 17.verses 20 through 26]

Jesus, I repent for all the times that I think I am following you but really am just going.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not loving you enough and not letting me become lost in you.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I am really sorry for all the missed opportunities that I have had to show people you.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of hiding behind my 'introverted' personality and not loving others as I should.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I want to know you more, thirst for you more, hunger for your righteousness more.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I am sorry for all of the wasted time that I have selfishly used in my life.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for my ungrateful attitue that I have most of the time.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of complaining, everything you have blessed me with is amazing and I do not deserve it.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of my condemnation of other people and my judgments on their lives.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of not seeking first you kingdom, but my own.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of seeking out fellowship with others for selfish motivations.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of becoming distracted by the temporary, meaningless crap of this word.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I am so sorry for ignoring the poor in my life and simply writing most of them off as lazy.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for being incredibly lazy in my relationships with others.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of impure thoughts that do not please you and distract me from my walk.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent of my lack of diligence in my faith walk.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not loving others that love you and being distracted by denomination and creed.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent insulting your bride, the church.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for knowing the truth and not doing it.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for becoming too proud in myself.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not loving you with my whole heart, my whole mind, my whole body.
Please forgive me and help me to change.
Jesus, I repent for not giving up you whole future and whole present.
Please forgive me and help to change.
Jesus, I repent for my lack of trust and faith.
Please forgive me and help me to change.

Jesus, I want to be found only in you.
Help me die to myself and live out your crucifixion every single day for the rest of my life.
Consume me.
Take my life and kill it.
Dwell in my body so that I can be you with skin on.
I repent of my sin and my life.
Take me, break me, and make me yours, only and competely yours.

..feelings

This is the part in my life where I really do think I might be emo. This is the part where I sit and write in my blog [yes, I have an emo blog] and transition from what I think to how I feel. My emotions, I stand in awe of their effect on my day, my relationships, and my thinking, and I think that I should probably write them out so I understand them.

Right now I feel lonely.

I don'’t really know how close I have gotten with the people around me and the looming change in the future has caused me to become lonely. The closest friendship I had at SPU is fading in the immerging springtime, filled with the beautiful distractions of bicycles and popularity. I am not alone, I am never alone, but I am at times, painfully and intensely lonely. My family has slipped off into a hazy never-land of unapproachable confusion and I look at my hands and only see Jesus' there with me.

Right now I feel frustrated.

I look at my life and I see a dissonance between the way I exist and the way I know I want to be living. The strain is constant and the only way I can ever escape it is to drown out my sorrow in activity and duty and responsibility. I feel like I am numbing my passion for something very very different with a nice routine of work, school, and play. I am terrified to do something else because it would mean risking everything. My idea of a college education, connections, plans, and friends. All things that I want to think don't matter much to me but at the notion of them all being gone, fear is my natural reaction. I don't know what I am waiting for and then at that very same moment I realize that taking a step in any direction would be acting out of line of faith. I guess that I just don't really understand why I am waiting for an answer if it makes me so ridiculously pissed off. Why does following God make me angry? Haha. I don't know, probably because I am really screwed up sinner and my flesh hates God. Sucks to be me I guess.

Right now I feel lost.

I feel like I don't really know where I am suppose to be or what I am suppose to be doing and lost is a good general overall view of my life right now. Will someone please find me and hold my other hand?

..humility

The art of being humble is one that is practiced and not simply acquired by having a relationship with Christ. I pray to become dead to myself and only found in Christ and that is what I am getting but that process stings a little bit. I know that there is something else in store for me and the possibility of the unknown is so tangibly at the fingertips of my existence that excitement is the only emotion that can be used. The vast openness of the next year of my life is slightly overwhelming and takes my breath away if I think about it. There is so much that will fill that space and so much learning that will occur that it will not seem empty. The unknown terrain of tomorrow causes faith and my tomorrow needs to be unknown for me to trust. Oh how simple it would be to see and trust and then obey. However easy it may be, it is not the way I want or desire. I desire to grow in Christ and be only found in my and if that means coming to the humiliating ends of failing and the unknown plaguing every corner of my life, then I am fine with that. Why do I go into times of my life of unknowing with fear and apprehension when there should be an overwhelming air of elation the moment my eyes part for the day. The feeling of possibility that washed over me this morning is one that should quickly come to mind at any given moment. In Christ I can do all things but that does not mean I will or have to. It means that there is possibility and in that possibility, hope for something great.

..being

The art of being. I sound like a sage from the East when that phrase comes out of my fingers but it is something that I have defiantly not obtained yet. If I truly am saved and am becoming a Christian then I am and no longer have to try to be. It seems to me to be something that should be so innate to my being that it is as permeating as gender or personality. I think that it ultimately is and that is the journey that I am on. I see what I need to be, a human in complete unbroken communion with God and realize that the passion and shape of my heart is for just that but the problem is my humanity in all of this musing. My heart is shaped for God. I realize that he is what I need but the humanity in me doesn't. It is so easily distracted by what is set right in front of it. The next action, the next activity, the next event are the areas of my life that I get so distracted by. My heart and being desire God with unyielding passion but my body turns and quickly runs down a different pathway. The struggle between my flesh and my God inside of me make me tired and frustrated at times. The balance between being and doing is tender and often times I feel myself polarized, staring at the face of the other and longing for the fragile middle ground of peace. Perhaps my life is like the nature of a pendulum right now. I swing wholly to the service and deeds side of my faith, resting in the reassurance of deeds and then gaze over the large gulf to the other side where God sits and beckons me to come sit with him. I jump back on my pendulum and swing on over to the other side of my life, and rest with God, sit at his feet and bask in the radiance of his glory. And at the moment I feel still and my feet start to itch and my hand begin to fidget and I glance over my shoulder and see the people on the other side of the gulf, waiting to be served and feel their gravitational pull of need. I simply want massive land transformation in my life. I want the being and the doing to be on the same mass of land, and be able to freely operate in both areas simultaneously. God is fully on both sides of my life and he is very patiently waiting for my pendulum of immaturity to slow down, for my mind to clear and my body to quiet and then he will give me a big, warm hug, hold my hand and we will walk through the balanced life of the unknown together. I am pretty excited for that and my heart skips a few beats thinking what it will look and feel like in my life.

..pain

Pain. Ahhh pain. Where to begin. I think that pain is one of the most beautiful things in this world. Pain brings ideas and forces them into our lives. Pain creates love. In the birthing process pain, is what makes the love so real. If people where brought into this world painlessly the connect would not be as strong. I have been in pain. I existed in the pain of feeling disconnected from God for a month. I sat in my state of hypertention and wallowed in my situation. Coming out of it though, the love of God is so much more immense because of the tenderness from the pain. I would never know love if I didn't know pain. I would get tatalizing glimpses of its glory but never know what true love felt like. How great the Father's love for me. I am so blessed and do not deserve it but pain, caused by sin, makes the love of God amazing!

Needless to say, I will be giving birth naturally.