..homeless

Two days from now it will be a month since my last post. What has the last month of my existence been like? Oh dear... I don't think that there is one singlular word to sum it up. It has been a delicate and strenuous balance of conviction, realization, frustration, elation, joy, peace, unsettledness, hurt, longing, desire, tension, and a deep longing for heaven. God has been bringing me to the end of myself, again and again. It is so easy for words of God to slip from my lips, heavy with the fire of conviction and passion, but seldom to I let them soak into the soil of my being, to make substantial changes in my life. I have been treading forward, diligently with my banner thrust in the air. My lofty ideals give me comfort. My knowledge of things I view as important let me sleep peacefully at night. And then there are those time where God quietly knocks on my heart and I let him in and we have tranquil conversations, sitting on the floorboards of my soul and I realize that I have been spitting on his face and cursing him the last week of my life. I say I am sorry, not really realizing how much I have hurt him, and say a sheepish thank you, never understanding how amazing it is just to be accepted by him. I don't get how I can kill my Jesus everyday with the things that I do and yet he is so willing to wrap his arms around me and just give me a hug and a warm meal when I come back in from the streets. I am homeless without him in my life. I am a new person, with my citizenship in the heavenly realm and yet I sleep on the streets of this planet so many nights, shivering, starving, and deeply alone. I am wandering the streets of this dark, decaying world, looking for beauty and peace and joy and then I feel so foolish because I remember that my dad has all of those realities waiting for me. I am so glad that his love does not depend on my ability to remember him.