Sitting around tables is what I have been doing a lot as of late. Talking about problems. Talking about things that are broken. Talking about how I feel and what makes me angry and how I see things. I sit on a large nest of ideals and opinions that I incubate for a long while and then they hatch, and present themselves to the others present. Sometimes those incubated thoughts are small, perfectly developed birds, and other times they are awkward, gangly creatures that are missing limbs and terrifying to look at.
I have been here, doing the above activities in my house, UI, Scum, in my own head and I have been learning about how I want to 'be' in those scenarios. From observing others I have gathered that a.) complaining is ineffective, b.) ranting is always ineffective c.) speaking before you are able to articulate what you want to say is counterproductive to discussion d.) simply sharing your ideals does little to motivate finding a solution.
Making the observation of these behaviors in others I find that there are circumstances where I can justify a good rant that is inarticulate and based on being annoyed by people opposing my ideals. As for the basic meeting setting, I stand behind my list of 'ineffectives'. So this leaves me with a vacuum of space that I must fill with something.
Here are my thoughts:
1. If I am going to share what I am thinking/feeling about a situation, I should know what I am thinking/feeling about it. Some of the things that I have been historically bothered by are from areas of inadequacy in my life and they need to be dealt with as though they are my problems, because they are my problems. However, if I can articulate what I am thinking/feeling, I should. It is illuminating to my position on things and will allow me to feel as though I am being heard.
2. Often times my ideals don't need to be shared. Many of the people that I am talking to know what I believe on topics and to waste our lives together reviewing that would be sad. My ideals should underly everything I think, say, and do, making a discussion about them usually unnecessary.
3. My comments should always be based in solutions. When I complain (this should become more rare in my life) it should be with the intent of finding a solution. Making statements about things that bother me or things I believe are not very productive. They simply don't change situations. Statements that transform bothersome things and beliefs into action are productive. I have found that I am really only desiring to speak in corporate settings when my comments come with some sort of action to them.
So, I want to be about solutions. This is how I want to approach all of the tables in my life. This is why I am going to college, studying sociology and economics and urban things. I want to be able to think in the medium of solutions and convey them accurately, intelligently, and precisely.
That requires this of me:
1. Humility. I don't know everything. I know very little. If the solution to the problem doesn't match mine, that's ultimately okay if the problem was fixed. Perhaps this trumps my ideals as well.
2. Flexibility. Conversations require give and take and understanding. The world would be a disaster if it looked the way I wanted it to, that's why I should listen to people who see the world differently than me and be willing to actually act on their ideas.
3. Having a spirit of learning. If sociology has taught me anything it is that all effects are from a multitude of complex causes. People have reasons for doing what they do, it should be my job as a person to discover why they do that and learn how to work with them.
4. Means-Ends rationality. I must view the ends as equally as important as the means. Through the creation of solutions I should learn how to more acutely love people and understand how to listen to them more effectively. The means of every end prepare me for another set of means that are still on the horizon.
5. Listen to what people aren't saying. I am learning that often listening is most effective when you ask about the gaps, the spots they left out, and the little side comments that pepper so many of my interactions. Those small frailties of conversation often hold the most illuminating information.
