Today has been a great journey of understanding when it comes to the role of honesty in my life. I spent a lot of my day sitting in UI interviews, asking questions and trying to probe into the heart of the people that were applying. I just really wanted to know their heart and I wanted them to feel comfortable enough in the process that they could do it. I think that I am going to have a disclaimer for all of the interviews tomorrow.
I also learned a lot about honesty in my small group tonight. I asked a question about nun's and their romantic view of God and what everyone thought about it and it brought about very engaging and amazing conversation. I learned that I feel most initimately connected with God when I am being one hundred percent honest with him. The times when I break down in prayer and get angry and hit the couch and swear are the times when I feel most connected with God. If I am sitting there and basically bullshitting the creator of the universe it is the biggest insult I can pay him. I also think I discovered the importance of unconditional love too. Its that love that allows me to know that I can be completely authentic with Jesus and he will still be there when I am finished. The times I am most vulnerable with where I am and with God are the times in my life when I feel like I know myself the best.
We also talked a lot about how much of our perspective on God really effected the way we view life and other relationships. I realized that honesty is the way that I feel most loved, respected, and intimate with a person. I feel a deep sense of connectedness with another person when I feel like they are giving me something authentic. I desire this immensely for my relationships with others and demand it of myself. I think that I take this raw honesty into every serious relationship I get in and use it as my pressidence until I am forced to do otherwise. I think this is what kills me about my damaged relationships, I feel like I communicate differently and thats because I do, I am far more calculated with my thoughts. This space kills so much of me. I want nothing more than for reconciliation to happen and for me to trust enough again to be real with that other person but I think that hearts are healed very very slowly. I also think that I have a lot of personal insecurity when it comes to people who have hurt me and I think that I display a lot of self-protective behaviors.
Something else I realized tonight too is the role of God that my husband will hopefully play in my life. I was thinking about the relationship that I want with him and kind of the way I would like him to be and a lot of that had to do with the way I view Jesus. I want him to be passionate about life and I want it to be an overwhelming force of tension and grappling with the core of life, leading to deep and authentic living. I want someone who always knows that there is something better and is pressing on towards that something really really hard. I think that I am excited for the heart of the man I will one day marry and the way that God is preparing him to show me so much Jesus. It also gives me comfort in myself, knowing that in all of this randomness that is my heart and brain, I am becoming refined to be a living and present face of God in someone else's life. Haha, so much for looking for someone. What a waste of time...
