Here is an update blog. These are always tradgectly feeble attempts at recounting the events and massive movements of God in my life over the last few days. My bones are tired and I don't want to do this but someday I will be able to look back and understand another small portion of God's infinate love for me. I think I feel like an apostle of Christ right now, trying to figure out just what's most important to recount three entire years with Jesus. My soul is burdened for them in that task.
These are my thoughts:
The last few days, with the exception of Saturday, have been very intense in their nature. I have experienced so much of God, in so many ways, that I came to Saturday and felt as though I had to 'take a break' from God because I couldn't handle it anymore. My prayer is that God will help me die enough to myself that I can experience so much more of the fullness of God.
John Swanger and Dana and I had a very intense conversation about Mars Hill at Scum on Tuesday. I found myself coming back to the pure nature of Jesus but I existed so much in the intensity of that conversation. I felt so hurt along with John and Dana because of things stemming from Mars Hill but so hurt also when she said, "I hate, hate, hate Mark Driscoll." This has caused me to question my thinking on the topic, in a constructive and healthy way and it has been part of my mental dialog for a week now. I am asking for the mind of Christ on this issue, that I might rejoice in the preaching of the gospel in any context. I have a feeling that I am going to be working through this tension for a while and to attend any other church would be to avoid it, and that is a sign of my resistance to growth. I want to remain in this struggle and I want Jesus to lift me out of it in his time.
Life has happened, many conversations have surged into my life, leaving a wake of beautiful reconciliation, passion, and dreams. I feel incredibally blessed with the heart God has given me, the people that he has placed in my life and the opprotunities he is placing in my path.
I think that I am learning what radical trust looks like. I am learning to respond to the movement of God in my life and dreaming big dreams because my God is a big God.
I have learned so much more than this mere post and I have sadly forgetten it. Perhaps it has simple seeped from the realm of my brain and into the marrow of my bones and the flesh of my heart and I am not learning them anymore, but living them. I think that this hope might be slightly idealistic though.
2.27.2007
2.18.2007
..gangs
I just got back from watching Green Street Hooligans. It's violent and overly bloody but brings up a lot of the sociological issues of gangs that I was confronted with this summer and also the personal struggles I have been dealing with currently. Saying that, I think that it was good movie.
Gangs are very interesting to me. I think that they are the ultimate expression of our need to be needed and our need to be a part of something. They are a group of people who have found a way to unite around a purpose, and through that community, find solidarity in the 'us'/'them' approach to life and also in their own personal role in the group. It fulfills the deepest longing to be a person of substance and of belonging because it is the entirety of their existence.
I saw the heart wrenching effects of this over the summer. Walking into it I knew little about gangs, the slang, the dress, or the lifestyle but soon realized that it was something so much more. It is an identity and a security and a form of love that is not being me anywhere else. I talked to kids who were joining simply because they had no where else too go, like the vortex of the gang tasted like some sort of parental love to them. For children starving for place, substance, and love gangs are an easy solution with a high turn over rate.
But what is this need? What is this basic pangs of being human that make us all go to extreme lengths to find love and place and purpose. I try to fill my pangs with friends, and interests, and concepts, and I am always left grasping for something more. I am not satisfied and I attempt to join gangs continually. I am most likely in several right as we speak. They are entities that clamor for my heart, who want all of it and will not be satisfied with just a chunk. Even though some of them are beautiful, great things, their control in my life is deadly and often leaves me feeling like I have been through battle.
I want to join a gang with a boyfriend, I want to have place and purpose and love through that. I want to belong to someone and I want to be inseparable with them in our purpose. That would feel amazing.
I want to join a gang in Christian ministry. I want to be in a club of Christians and be on the cutting edge of God's work, astonishing people with the amazing things that we are doing. Deep down, I want to make a name for myself for how much I do for God. Parts of me want to be in this gang.
But playing out the thoughts of these two gangs in my life I find that I am still searching for something more. The pining for fulfillment is crippling at times and I want to know the way to have it go away, so that I can say I am satisfied with life and be content with all of it for once.
Laying here, I know the pat answer: Jesus. I can simply quit now and this would be nicely wrapped in a Christian box and I could feel great about everything. But that's not actually the way I feel. I feel clueless on how the fuck I am suppose to do that. How am I suppose to be completely satisfied with Christ? What does that actually, really, really look like? It would be easy in a monastery I think, no earthly distractions to loose focus on. I know the answer but I don't know how to get there and because of that I feel so incredibly alone right now. I could give up and accept a boyfriend, Christian ministry, or whatever else my heart might desire but I don't want it. I just want Jesus but I don't know what that looks like and I am sad as I type this and I wish I had a simple Christian answer that made me feel better, that would be lovely. I wish I did but I am guess I don't I suppose because Jesus is better than Christianity and I need that to be true if I am going to do this.
Oswald Chambers. Daily Thoughts for Disciples. February 14.
I want to ask a very personal question- How much do you want to be delivered from? You say, "I want to be delivered from wrongdoing"- then you don't need to come to Jesus Christ. "I want to walk in the right way according to the judgment of society"- then you don't need Jesus Christ. But some heart cries out- "I want, God knows I want, that Jesus Christ should do in me all He has said He would do." How many of us 'want' like that? God grant that this want may increase until it swamps every other desire of heart and life. Oh, the patience, the gentleness, the longing of the Lord Jesus after lives, and yet people are turning this way and that, and even saint who once knew Him are turning aside, their eyes are fixed on other things, on the blessings that come from the baptism with the Holy Spirit, and have forgotten the Baptizer Himself.
Gangs are very interesting to me. I think that they are the ultimate expression of our need to be needed and our need to be a part of something. They are a group of people who have found a way to unite around a purpose, and through that community, find solidarity in the 'us'/'them' approach to life and also in their own personal role in the group. It fulfills the deepest longing to be a person of substance and of belonging because it is the entirety of their existence.
I saw the heart wrenching effects of this over the summer. Walking into it I knew little about gangs, the slang, the dress, or the lifestyle but soon realized that it was something so much more. It is an identity and a security and a form of love that is not being me anywhere else. I talked to kids who were joining simply because they had no where else too go, like the vortex of the gang tasted like some sort of parental love to them. For children starving for place, substance, and love gangs are an easy solution with a high turn over rate.
But what is this need? What is this basic pangs of being human that make us all go to extreme lengths to find love and place and purpose. I try to fill my pangs with friends, and interests, and concepts, and I am always left grasping for something more. I am not satisfied and I attempt to join gangs continually. I am most likely in several right as we speak. They are entities that clamor for my heart, who want all of it and will not be satisfied with just a chunk. Even though some of them are beautiful, great things, their control in my life is deadly and often leaves me feeling like I have been through battle.
I want to join a gang with a boyfriend, I want to have place and purpose and love through that. I want to belong to someone and I want to be inseparable with them in our purpose. That would feel amazing.
I want to join a gang in Christian ministry. I want to be in a club of Christians and be on the cutting edge of God's work, astonishing people with the amazing things that we are doing. Deep down, I want to make a name for myself for how much I do for God. Parts of me want to be in this gang.
But playing out the thoughts of these two gangs in my life I find that I am still searching for something more. The pining for fulfillment is crippling at times and I want to know the way to have it go away, so that I can say I am satisfied with life and be content with all of it for once.
Laying here, I know the pat answer: Jesus. I can simply quit now and this would be nicely wrapped in a Christian box and I could feel great about everything. But that's not actually the way I feel. I feel clueless on how the fuck I am suppose to do that. How am I suppose to be completely satisfied with Christ? What does that actually, really, really look like? It would be easy in a monastery I think, no earthly distractions to loose focus on. I know the answer but I don't know how to get there and because of that I feel so incredibly alone right now. I could give up and accept a boyfriend, Christian ministry, or whatever else my heart might desire but I don't want it. I just want Jesus but I don't know what that looks like and I am sad as I type this and I wish I had a simple Christian answer that made me feel better, that would be lovely. I wish I did but I am guess I don't I suppose because Jesus is better than Christianity and I need that to be true if I am going to do this.
Oswald Chambers. Daily Thoughts for Disciples. February 14.
I want to ask a very personal question- How much do you want to be delivered from? You say, "I want to be delivered from wrongdoing"- then you don't need to come to Jesus Christ. "I want to walk in the right way according to the judgment of society"- then you don't need Jesus Christ. But some heart cries out- "I want, God knows I want, that Jesus Christ should do in me all He has said He would do." How many of us 'want' like that? God grant that this want may increase until it swamps every other desire of heart and life. Oh, the patience, the gentleness, the longing of the Lord Jesus after lives, and yet people are turning this way and that, and even saint who once knew Him are turning aside, their eyes are fixed on other things, on the blessings that come from the baptism with the Holy Spirit, and have forgotten the Baptizer Himself.
2.10.2007
..grace
I think I am learning the freedom of living a life as a creature of grace.
I had a friend confront me about the way I interact with people and because it was wrapped in love, I was able to receive the truth in her words. In my explanation as to why I do the things I do I realized that I am so broken and skill-less when it comes to my compentancy in relationships. I don't have a past filled with examples of great friendship and I don't know what works well and what doesn't in most situations. I don't think I am completely social invalid but at the core of my being there are definitely insecurities about who I am in relationship to other people.
The beautiful realization that all of this has brought me is the depths of God's grace and how there is so much freedom as a result of living in that grace. I can sit on a couch and explain why I am so fucked up and hurt and then exist in that reality, not attempting to fix myself. I don't want to fix myself. That is an endless cycle of self-realization and pointless agony because in the end, I can't. I can do nothing to change myself. The only thing that I can do is be open and willing to let the Jesus inside of me reveal who I am and stand in the huge cravases of my inadequancy.
This gives my the ultimate freedom to not be chained to myself anymore. Even though I am broken and terribly screwed up, I no longer live, Christ lives in me and because of that I don't have to remain in my turmoil and tension. I can be free to be who I am, relying on the blood of Christ in my life, to be everything I am not. This is a great relief and it make me breath a little bit deeper and love a little bit more and understand grace through the power of vulnerability.
Thank you, friend, for being honest with me. I experienced a lot of Jesus through you and I think that I am so much more free to explore to painful but rewarding world of friendship through the grace of God.
I had a friend confront me about the way I interact with people and because it was wrapped in love, I was able to receive the truth in her words. In my explanation as to why I do the things I do I realized that I am so broken and skill-less when it comes to my compentancy in relationships. I don't have a past filled with examples of great friendship and I don't know what works well and what doesn't in most situations. I don't think I am completely social invalid but at the core of my being there are definitely insecurities about who I am in relationship to other people.
The beautiful realization that all of this has brought me is the depths of God's grace and how there is so much freedom as a result of living in that grace. I can sit on a couch and explain why I am so fucked up and hurt and then exist in that reality, not attempting to fix myself. I don't want to fix myself. That is an endless cycle of self-realization and pointless agony because in the end, I can't. I can do nothing to change myself. The only thing that I can do is be open and willing to let the Jesus inside of me reveal who I am and stand in the huge cravases of my inadequancy.
This gives my the ultimate freedom to not be chained to myself anymore. Even though I am broken and terribly screwed up, I no longer live, Christ lives in me and because of that I don't have to remain in my turmoil and tension. I can be free to be who I am, relying on the blood of Christ in my life, to be everything I am not. This is a great relief and it make me breath a little bit deeper and love a little bit more and understand grace through the power of vulnerability.
Thank you, friend, for being honest with me. I experienced a lot of Jesus through you and I think that I am so much more free to explore to painful but rewarding world of friendship through the grace of God.
2.09.2007
..acceptence
So here is the update on my life since the last 30 hours of being has occurred.
I had dinner with my dad. So much prayer and tears went into this event for me and honestly I did not think that God was going to pull through. I didn't have faith that he was big enough to fix my heart for this conversation and I didn't think that he was bigger than my dad's screwed up past and I didn't think that we could be equals in conversation or even equals in Christ. I doubted and entered into the experience with preemptive feelings of defeat and damage control.
The amazing this that happened was that Jesus showed up and that crazy, 'I don't know shit about God and I have no clue what is happening to my life' was the theme of our conversations and we stood at the level foot of the cross, for what was the first time in my whole life. With my nature of thinking and thinking and thinking about thinking and then thinking about thinking about thinking taking over who I was the past few days of my life, I needed an escape and an ear to understand what the hell was happening to my understanding of Christ. I would have never guessed that the answer to this need would come in the form of my broken father and that it would be the most beautiful thing because it was something that I was never even expecting.
He gave me ultimate permission to exist in this state of agony of "who the hell is God and what does that actually mean in my life?" There is a really good reason that we are called to be in the world but not of the world and that is not a nice, cliche alternative phrase but that reality in my life is the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced. I feel so often like my soul is wondering the earth, searching only for God and the people that he most purely dwells in and becoming super pissed off about anything that is not either of those realities.
To live is Christ and to die is gain. What the hell does this mean? What does it really mean to have the only thing that keeps me alive be Christ? How much of America and Christianity do I have to give up to get a purified life in Christ and is this even possible while I am still a human being? Is the most appealing alternative to a life lived in Christ death? Am I so satisfied with the personhood of Christ that death would be the next best option for me?
What does it mean to really seek the face of God? What does it mean to know God? If the only condition for me to 'get' into heaven is to know God, isn't that the only thing that I should be concerned about? Forget ministry, forget Bible study, forget spiritual disciplines if they are in anyway keeping me from knowing Christ. I want to know nothing but Christ and his crucifixion. I do not to be a servant of Christ if I am too busy doing spiritual deeds to hear his name calling out, "Whom shall I send? Who will go for me?" If I can't hear that voice in my life then I don't deserve the person who is calling out and I don't deserve to be following him.
To be seeking completely after Christ I think that all of the other area of my life that so many people think they need to 'work on' can be simple bi-products of seeking Christ.
But ultimately, what the hell do I know. I want to know nothing because knowing things will keep me comfortable and I don't want to be comfortable. Comfort is being fully human and I want none of it.
I want to KNOW Christ and I want to be a partner in his suffering because nothing else is real.
I had dinner with my dad. So much prayer and tears went into this event for me and honestly I did not think that God was going to pull through. I didn't have faith that he was big enough to fix my heart for this conversation and I didn't think that he was bigger than my dad's screwed up past and I didn't think that we could be equals in conversation or even equals in Christ. I doubted and entered into the experience with preemptive feelings of defeat and damage control.
The amazing this that happened was that Jesus showed up and that crazy, 'I don't know shit about God and I have no clue what is happening to my life' was the theme of our conversations and we stood at the level foot of the cross, for what was the first time in my whole life. With my nature of thinking and thinking and thinking about thinking and then thinking about thinking about thinking taking over who I was the past few days of my life, I needed an escape and an ear to understand what the hell was happening to my understanding of Christ. I would have never guessed that the answer to this need would come in the form of my broken father and that it would be the most beautiful thing because it was something that I was never even expecting.
He gave me ultimate permission to exist in this state of agony of "who the hell is God and what does that actually mean in my life?" There is a really good reason that we are called to be in the world but not of the world and that is not a nice, cliche alternative phrase but that reality in my life is the most agonizing thing I have ever experienced. I feel so often like my soul is wondering the earth, searching only for God and the people that he most purely dwells in and becoming super pissed off about anything that is not either of those realities.
To live is Christ and to die is gain. What the hell does this mean? What does it really mean to have the only thing that keeps me alive be Christ? How much of America and Christianity do I have to give up to get a purified life in Christ and is this even possible while I am still a human being? Is the most appealing alternative to a life lived in Christ death? Am I so satisfied with the personhood of Christ that death would be the next best option for me?
What does it mean to really seek the face of God? What does it mean to know God? If the only condition for me to 'get' into heaven is to know God, isn't that the only thing that I should be concerned about? Forget ministry, forget Bible study, forget spiritual disciplines if they are in anyway keeping me from knowing Christ. I want to know nothing but Christ and his crucifixion. I do not to be a servant of Christ if I am too busy doing spiritual deeds to hear his name calling out, "Whom shall I send? Who will go for me?" If I can't hear that voice in my life then I don't deserve the person who is calling out and I don't deserve to be following him.
To be seeking completely after Christ I think that all of the other area of my life that so many people think they need to 'work on' can be simple bi-products of seeking Christ.
But ultimately, what the hell do I know. I want to know nothing because knowing things will keep me comfortable and I don't want to be comfortable. Comfort is being fully human and I want none of it.
I want to KNOW Christ and I want to be a partner in his suffering because nothing else is real.
2.07.2007
..currently
This is the blog where I wish that there was someone to talk to instead of typing out my thoughts, but there's not so this is a shitty second.
Currently, how do I feel. I don't know if I know but I will give a flailing stab at it and probably hit one or two states of being correctly in the process.
I feel apathetic. I feel like I don't trust the passion that I have prayed for so much and I don't feel like my soul is on fire right now. I feel a little numb to it all but at the same time deeply, achingly discontent with this current state of being.
I am afraid that I have suppressed certain feelings so well that I am killing myself slowly, but accepting it because it make my current circumstances more tolerable. I could sit here and passionately type about the evils of killing or displacing your passions but it would all be a bunch of hypocritical bullshit because its kind of what I am doing.
I feel alone, kind of. Its not this lonely alone where I want friends or I desire interaction, but I simply feel alone in the things that I am thinking about and I don't know if I have anyone to talk to and I guess that's okay. Maybe I don't just want to be okay though.
I feel confused a lot. I feel like I don't know what the hell is going on with my theology.
I am starting to believe in a big God, a God that doesn't work within the context of my mind or my reasoning, and I don't know what that means in my life. I don't know how much of me that lets me believe in and I don't know what that does to things like God's will for my life...
I feel like God is purifying my love for him. I know this because often I just want to cry. Not because I am sad but because I just want to be with God and this world is so much of a terrible distraction so much of the time. I feel like often I am just floating because it hurts to much not to be with God but there is so much that seems so petty in this world that I am required to embrace.
I feel like I don't know at all what is happening with my summer or my next year. My opinion on this subject changes hourly and I don't trust myself or my heart any more.
Here are my current options:
Summer-
YWAM in San Francisco
Perkins Center adventure
Jesus People
Colorado Springs...
UI Sprint Trip
Trashy waitress job (become a smoker)
Next Year-
Become homeless and dropout
StreetLevel
Intentional Community
UI Coordinator
New Horizons
House with cool kids
I don't know if I even want any of these though. I think that I just want to push fast forward on this transition and move on to the next stage of my life and I want it to be a lot more real and dirty than this one.
I feel so conflicted about my dad. He really hasn't done anything that I can point to as a scaring emotional experience or anything but at the same time I feel so incredible hurt by him. I am eating dinner with him tomorrow and for some reason I am very apprehensive about it. I don't think I have faith that God can heal us but its all I want. If I could choose to have two relationships reconciled on the whole planet he would be my first choice in a heart beat.
I don't know how I feel about service right now at all. I feel so empty and hollow and hypocritical because it hasn't been a part of my life for so long. I miss it but at the same time I don't want it to be the end all of my faith and I am scared of it.
I haven't been reading my Bible regularly. I kinda threw this practice out with legitimate reasons but I feel like it is killing me slowly. I am loosing a basis for truth in my life and am so hungry for a glimpse of black and white in my world that seems so gray.
My friendship with a friend is different right now. This is something that I don't really know what to do with at all. I just pray a lot. Is this response a cop out?
I don't really now what the hell is happening to me. Its not as apocalyptic as it might sound in this post but its still strange. I think I might go make angry confused and hurting pray with Jesus tomorrow. I think he knows what my heart feels like right now.
Currently, how do I feel. I don't know if I know but I will give a flailing stab at it and probably hit one or two states of being correctly in the process.
I feel apathetic. I feel like I don't trust the passion that I have prayed for so much and I don't feel like my soul is on fire right now. I feel a little numb to it all but at the same time deeply, achingly discontent with this current state of being.
I am afraid that I have suppressed certain feelings so well that I am killing myself slowly, but accepting it because it make my current circumstances more tolerable. I could sit here and passionately type about the evils of killing or displacing your passions but it would all be a bunch of hypocritical bullshit because its kind of what I am doing.
I feel alone, kind of. Its not this lonely alone where I want friends or I desire interaction, but I simply feel alone in the things that I am thinking about and I don't know if I have anyone to talk to and I guess that's okay. Maybe I don't just want to be okay though.
I feel confused a lot. I feel like I don't know what the hell is going on with my theology.
I am starting to believe in a big God, a God that doesn't work within the context of my mind or my reasoning, and I don't know what that means in my life. I don't know how much of me that lets me believe in and I don't know what that does to things like God's will for my life...
I feel like God is purifying my love for him. I know this because often I just want to cry. Not because I am sad but because I just want to be with God and this world is so much of a terrible distraction so much of the time. I feel like often I am just floating because it hurts to much not to be with God but there is so much that seems so petty in this world that I am required to embrace.
I feel like I don't know at all what is happening with my summer or my next year. My opinion on this subject changes hourly and I don't trust myself or my heart any more.
Here are my current options:
Summer-
YWAM in San Francisco
Perkins Center adventure
Jesus People
Colorado Springs...
UI Sprint Trip
Trashy waitress job (become a smoker)
Next Year-
Become homeless and dropout
StreetLevel
Intentional Community
UI Coordinator
New Horizons
House with cool kids
I don't know if I even want any of these though. I think that I just want to push fast forward on this transition and move on to the next stage of my life and I want it to be a lot more real and dirty than this one.
I feel so conflicted about my dad. He really hasn't done anything that I can point to as a scaring emotional experience or anything but at the same time I feel so incredible hurt by him. I am eating dinner with him tomorrow and for some reason I am very apprehensive about it. I don't think I have faith that God can heal us but its all I want. If I could choose to have two relationships reconciled on the whole planet he would be my first choice in a heart beat.
I don't know how I feel about service right now at all. I feel so empty and hollow and hypocritical because it hasn't been a part of my life for so long. I miss it but at the same time I don't want it to be the end all of my faith and I am scared of it.
I haven't been reading my Bible regularly. I kinda threw this practice out with legitimate reasons but I feel like it is killing me slowly. I am loosing a basis for truth in my life and am so hungry for a glimpse of black and white in my world that seems so gray.
My friendship with a friend is different right now. This is something that I don't really know what to do with at all. I just pray a lot. Is this response a cop out?
I don't really now what the hell is happening to me. Its not as apocalyptic as it might sound in this post but its still strange. I think I might go make angry confused and hurting pray with Jesus tomorrow. I think he knows what my heart feels like right now.
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