I have never read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and to be honest, I never kissed dating goodbye for myself. This is the mentality that I was brought up with in reference to my sexuality, personal identity, and relations with 'the other'. (A side rant would talk about how this bullshit mentality rejects the labels and formality of dating, stigmatizes direct and clear communication in hopes to avoid any situation that might need labeling, and leads to this strange world called 'friendationships...'. However, this is not the topic.)
Part of the protect and prepare regiment that I was on was the making of 'the list'. The list was a concept that pushed me towards more distinct thinking about the characteristics I would desire in a future husband. At the age of 13 I was encouraged to think about it and by age 17, it seemed to have become a necessity overnight. I had always resisted the idea of writing down a bulleted column of relational wishes and necessary requirements for my future mate. If anything, the value of it today would be for comic relief and nothing else.
*My mother is not to blame for the above senerio. I honestly think she was a victim of many different factors in our environment and tried her best with little background of her own. She has since released me of all list-making and grandchild making which is a blessing that I am immensely grateful for.
So, I never made a list but the world of Christian dating/marriage has never left my life and has simply slowly increased with my time at SPU. Whatever.
These are my answers to questions that I hear people asking and that I ask for myself:
>>>I am afraid there will be a sense of finality when I get married. I will never be able to look towards the possibility of other people again and the person that I 'choose' will be it. Should I be concerned about this?:
I don't want to marry one person. I don't want to be one person. Growth, if I ever made a list, would be the only thing on it and that is what I desire in the person that I will share a lot of time with. The thought of being married to the exact same person for the rest of my life sounds terrible. The thought of being the same person for the rest of my life sound terrible as well. I would like to think that it is possible to fall in love with one person, dozens of times, if we both choose to be different people tomorrow then we are today.
>>>I will never have the experience of 'firsts' again. There will never be another first date, or another first kiss, or another flock of butterflies inhabiting my body. Should I be concerned about this?:
Invalid.
I noticed this trend a lot in my marriage and family class. It seemed as though people thought the beginning and end of love was found in marriage and that the caring capacity of your life would most fully be fulfilled through your family. I think that this is bullshit. We bind ourselves with limits to love and care that are artificial and limiting. I hope that when I get a chance to meet people that are amazing, I experience a lot of the same feelings as I did the first time I met 'the one'. I also hope that the first kiss I give my (foster)child or the first hug I give my parents-in-law will be filled with the same butterflies as my first taste of romance. I want to be 'in love' with life. To think that love is an experience that must be relegated to my marriage is a suffocating thought.
Needless to say, this is hypothetical. My hope is that I choose to be a little risky with what love and family look like because I think that God is found in the fringes and the deep breaths taken before leaps.
4.24.2008
4.22.2008
..shaped
Chapstick + riding a bike down by the canal = bugs on my lips.
We had some UI interviews today and they were great. Owen and I had talked about how our desire for them was that they be relaxed and a conversation. That meant that some where 15 minutes long and others went a little deeper but they were good. I started to realize that the more we laughed and the more we goofed around with each other the more comfortable the environment became. When we joked around about cats with the boy in a suit, it was fun, and in a lot of ways the strict lines and formalities of suits or ties faded away. This experience, in contrast to a conversation I had today started me thinking: are people really 'one way' (stubborn, arrogant, annoying, ect.) or do they simply conform to environment and experiences they are having. Within the conversation, there was a general assumption that the people that this person was working with were not interested in learning. They thought they knew a fair deal about the subject and were fine without the help of an authority. I know some of the people that were being referenced and had a very different understanding of who they were; passionate, driven, and convicted people. After talking about it some more, the experience that these people had been going through brought them to a place where being stubborn, seemingly arrogant, and distant seemed to be the only coping mechanism to navigate their experience.
Perhaps people's dispositions and attitudes have to do much more with the environment we invite them into then the people that they really are.
If we create an atmosphere where vulnerability in learning is respected and honored, maybe people will value learning.
If we create an experience where honesty and authenticity is prized, maybe people will tell us what they are really thinking.
If we create a place where a person's passions are praised and encouraged, maybe we will create passionate people.
The scary part of this is that it comes down to the nuts and bolts of life. It's in the glances and sighs and side comments and jokes that I so often overlook. I do think that it is exciting to look towards a place where people are given the chance to be themselves for the simple reason that they are really good.
(My simple prayer is that this is UI.)
We had some UI interviews today and they were great. Owen and I had talked about how our desire for them was that they be relaxed and a conversation. That meant that some where 15 minutes long and others went a little deeper but they were good. I started to realize that the more we laughed and the more we goofed around with each other the more comfortable the environment became. When we joked around about cats with the boy in a suit, it was fun, and in a lot of ways the strict lines and formalities of suits or ties faded away. This experience, in contrast to a conversation I had today started me thinking: are people really 'one way' (stubborn, arrogant, annoying, ect.) or do they simply conform to environment and experiences they are having. Within the conversation, there was a general assumption that the people that this person was working with were not interested in learning. They thought they knew a fair deal about the subject and were fine without the help of an authority. I know some of the people that were being referenced and had a very different understanding of who they were; passionate, driven, and convicted people. After talking about it some more, the experience that these people had been going through brought them to a place where being stubborn, seemingly arrogant, and distant seemed to be the only coping mechanism to navigate their experience.
Perhaps people's dispositions and attitudes have to do much more with the environment we invite them into then the people that they really are.
If we create an atmosphere where vulnerability in learning is respected and honored, maybe people will value learning.
If we create an experience where honesty and authenticity is prized, maybe people will tell us what they are really thinking.
If we create a place where a person's passions are praised and encouraged, maybe we will create passionate people.
The scary part of this is that it comes down to the nuts and bolts of life. It's in the glances and sighs and side comments and jokes that I so often overlook. I do think that it is exciting to look towards a place where people are given the chance to be themselves for the simple reason that they are really good.
(My simple prayer is that this is UI.)
4.21.2008
4.18.2008
..sabbath
If Seattle were my boyfriend we would be having a 'talk right now'. I would tell him that I can't handle his mood swings, his occasional raging temper, his hot/cold attitude towards me. I would tell him that I didn't like the way he abused me when I was vulnerable with him (i.e. piercing hail when I have to ride my bike). I dislike the fact that I have to dress to impress him.
We would be taking some time off for a while.
Change of scene...
Bad attitudes are something that I don't know how to deal with. I am usually even tempered or can internally process things that cause my feathers to start ruffling. Other times, I am just mad. I have a bad attitude and most of the time I am okay with that. I would rather be honest about it, work through it, and then move on, rather than shellacking a smile on my face and telling everyone that "I'm fine, thanks." Anger is rarely an emotion I experience and so when it comes around I want to understand why it is there in my life and work through the root causes of it.
Today I was mad.
I had perceived that I had the night off. It meant that for the first time in months I had nothing to do. No one asked me to do anything and I had not committed to any event. I was planning on coming home and cleaning the house and then catching up on Whiteness. Not exactly nothing, but I was going to choose to do it, and that is what I found hope in.
But then, plans changed and suddenly I had an activity to put on my calendar from 6 to 10. This activity came out of the blue and made a little nest in my day and I wasn't so happy about it. Actually, I was pissed.
The important question was why.
I have been learning about (not practicing) Sabbath. It had always been an enigma in my Christian life. I have never understood it's purpose. I could regurgitate a theological reason for why it was important but I have never really seen the value in it. I have things to do and they are important and rest can wait for the summer and pockets of 15 minutes that surprise me in my days.
For me, the value of Sabbath is not found in a ceasing of activity. It's found in the fact that I get a chance to remember who I am. When I am always somewhere, doing something, it is easy for me to replace my roles and activities for my identity. This is a sad state of affairs to be in. I struggle with myself, I think about myself more, and I self protect when I am tired and spent. Sabbath reminds me that I am small human, and allows me to not be important.
This can't come accidentally anymore. It also cannot be a voluntary activity. I need to view it as as important as any other activity I do. It is time that needs to be honored, respected, and defended against over commitment, socializing, and serving. Sometimes I just need to be on purpose.
So, tonight, through my anger I got to learn about Sabbath. < I don't know how I feel about that.
We would be taking some time off for a while.
Change of scene...
Bad attitudes are something that I don't know how to deal with. I am usually even tempered or can internally process things that cause my feathers to start ruffling. Other times, I am just mad. I have a bad attitude and most of the time I am okay with that. I would rather be honest about it, work through it, and then move on, rather than shellacking a smile on my face and telling everyone that "I'm fine, thanks." Anger is rarely an emotion I experience and so when it comes around I want to understand why it is there in my life and work through the root causes of it.
Today I was mad.
I had perceived that I had the night off. It meant that for the first time in months I had nothing to do. No one asked me to do anything and I had not committed to any event. I was planning on coming home and cleaning the house and then catching up on Whiteness. Not exactly nothing, but I was going to choose to do it, and that is what I found hope in.
But then, plans changed and suddenly I had an activity to put on my calendar from 6 to 10. This activity came out of the blue and made a little nest in my day and I wasn't so happy about it. Actually, I was pissed.
The important question was why.
I have been learning about (not practicing) Sabbath. It had always been an enigma in my Christian life. I have never understood it's purpose. I could regurgitate a theological reason for why it was important but I have never really seen the value in it. I have things to do and they are important and rest can wait for the summer and pockets of 15 minutes that surprise me in my days.
For me, the value of Sabbath is not found in a ceasing of activity. It's found in the fact that I get a chance to remember who I am. When I am always somewhere, doing something, it is easy for me to replace my roles and activities for my identity. This is a sad state of affairs to be in. I struggle with myself, I think about myself more, and I self protect when I am tired and spent. Sabbath reminds me that I am small human, and allows me to not be important.
This can't come accidentally anymore. It also cannot be a voluntary activity. I need to view it as as important as any other activity I do. It is time that needs to be honored, respected, and defended against over commitment, socializing, and serving. Sometimes I just need to be on purpose.
So, tonight, through my anger I got to learn about Sabbath. < I don't know how I feel about that.
4.16.2008
..equality
I strongly believe that the Kingdom of God is defined by and found in radical equality.
[Galatians 3:26-28, The Message] In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ.
I think that this penetrates more deeply then we allow for (internally, educationally, socioeconomically, religiously).
I think that it also redeems and resurrects many worldly entities that we have give up on (economies, labor, political structures, races, the Church).
As ambassadors of Christ we are called to be people who practice radical equality, unwaveringly and audaciously.
I do not think that confusion is an adequate excuse to absolve us from our responsibility to each other and to the Kingdom of God. Responsibility that roots us here on earth, living as the Kingdom is in Heaven.
[Galatians 3:26-28, The Message] In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ.
I think that this penetrates more deeply then we allow for (internally, educationally, socioeconomically, religiously).
I think that it also redeems and resurrects many worldly entities that we have give up on (economies, labor, political structures, races, the Church).
As ambassadors of Christ we are called to be people who practice radical equality, unwaveringly and audaciously.
I do not think that confusion is an adequate excuse to absolve us from our responsibility to each other and to the Kingdom of God. Responsibility that roots us here on earth, living as the Kingdom is in Heaven.
4.13.2008
..today
This is what I have learned today:
1. Apparently I make outlines when I think and when I talk to people. I am okay with this.
2. This is a list, supporting point 1.
3. Planning limits you. I was thinking about the verses in Jame 4:13-15 (Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.") It seems that planning not only puts you in charge, but limits your accessibility to other people's perspectives. If I am planning on 'serving the poor' with my life so I have a specific liberation theology, I might limit my ability to understand other people. If my whole future depends on the perspective I have on the world right now, I limit myself from learning and I think that is a very sad form of chosen ignorance.
4. Sometimes I want to believe clean things about God. I want to believe in his grace, but not have to experience failure in order to receive it. I want to believe in mercy, but don't want to deserve punishment to receive it. Sometimes this looks like me telling people I believe certain things about God, that deep down inside I don't know/don't want to be true.
5. The kingdom of God is sweet. My small group mentor was talking about the Hebrew conception of heaven today, about how it was another dimension of life on earth and how it was right here. She was talking about how sweet it was that when John the Baptist said things like, 'The kingdom of Heaven is near...' that meant that it was literally 2 feet away from you, not a lifetime or thousands of years away. She also talked about how the practice of Sabbath was one of being intentionally mindful of Heaven. The the practice of Sabbath was practicing Heaven. I like this a lot.
6. I like knowing really different types of people.
7. Sin is far more cyclical that I give it credit for. I realized that I often think that sin will correct itself the next time around, that somehow a fresh batch of people and situations will lead to different outcomes. I would tell other people things like, 'Hurt people hurt people...' when they would come to me with pain caused by others, but realized that I never thought that I was hurt, or hurting people. This is not true. I am hurt in some places in my life and that means I hurt other people. I need to be more intentional about my healing rather than assuming it will just magically be better another time around.
8. Today I was asked if I have 'traditional' perspective on poverty. I was caught off guard by it and didn't really know how to respond. I said that I think that poverty has more to do with people's perspective on humanity. The poor are dehumanized when they are treated like machines for labor or pet humanitarian projects or guilt-reducing agents. Celebrities are dehumanized when they are photographed or talked about in reference to fabrics and inches on their waists and pounds on their hips. People dehumanize other people based on their race, gender, religious affiliation, education, material wealth, basically everything. I think that 'serving the poor' means redeeming their humanity, and there are a lot of realms of humanity to redeem.
9. I like children.
10. In my sociology book, there was a section on animal sacrifices. There was a religious group that sacrificed oxen to their god. Once they didn't have enough oxen (or it was too costly to sacrifice one) and so they pretended with a cucumber. They treated it like it was really important and did all of the same oxen-esque things to it, but really, it was a cucumber. It made me think about the cucumbers in my life.
11. Yesterday, there was a homeless man outside of Star Life. Apparently he had been sitting there all of Friday and was in the same position, rocking back and forth, in the morning. I saw him when I got to work and Wings asked me what he should do. I didn't really know what to say, so I said offer him coffee. The man wanted water. Buy then Wings asked me if I wanted to out to talk to him and I said no. I just didn't want to at the time but today I realized that it was because I didn't want to feel responsible for him. I also had no idea of who to call, or who else would take responsibility for him. This seems to be less of a problem with 'society' and more of a problem with my idea of how my humanity works.
1. Apparently I make outlines when I think and when I talk to people. I am okay with this.
2. This is a list, supporting point 1.
3. Planning limits you. I was thinking about the verses in Jame 4:13-15 (Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.") It seems that planning not only puts you in charge, but limits your accessibility to other people's perspectives. If I am planning on 'serving the poor' with my life so I have a specific liberation theology, I might limit my ability to understand other people. If my whole future depends on the perspective I have on the world right now, I limit myself from learning and I think that is a very sad form of chosen ignorance.
4. Sometimes I want to believe clean things about God. I want to believe in his grace, but not have to experience failure in order to receive it. I want to believe in mercy, but don't want to deserve punishment to receive it. Sometimes this looks like me telling people I believe certain things about God, that deep down inside I don't know/don't want to be true.
5. The kingdom of God is sweet. My small group mentor was talking about the Hebrew conception of heaven today, about how it was another dimension of life on earth and how it was right here. She was talking about how sweet it was that when John the Baptist said things like, 'The kingdom of Heaven is near...' that meant that it was literally 2 feet away from you, not a lifetime or thousands of years away. She also talked about how the practice of Sabbath was one of being intentionally mindful of Heaven. The the practice of Sabbath was practicing Heaven. I like this a lot.
6. I like knowing really different types of people.
7. Sin is far more cyclical that I give it credit for. I realized that I often think that sin will correct itself the next time around, that somehow a fresh batch of people and situations will lead to different outcomes. I would tell other people things like, 'Hurt people hurt people...' when they would come to me with pain caused by others, but realized that I never thought that I was hurt, or hurting people. This is not true. I am hurt in some places in my life and that means I hurt other people. I need to be more intentional about my healing rather than assuming it will just magically be better another time around.
8. Today I was asked if I have 'traditional' perspective on poverty. I was caught off guard by it and didn't really know how to respond. I said that I think that poverty has more to do with people's perspective on humanity. The poor are dehumanized when they are treated like machines for labor or pet humanitarian projects or guilt-reducing agents. Celebrities are dehumanized when they are photographed or talked about in reference to fabrics and inches on their waists and pounds on their hips. People dehumanize other people based on their race, gender, religious affiliation, education, material wealth, basically everything. I think that 'serving the poor' means redeeming their humanity, and there are a lot of realms of humanity to redeem.
9. I like children.
10. In my sociology book, there was a section on animal sacrifices. There was a religious group that sacrificed oxen to their god. Once they didn't have enough oxen (or it was too costly to sacrifice one) and so they pretended with a cucumber. They treated it like it was really important and did all of the same oxen-esque things to it, but really, it was a cucumber. It made me think about the cucumbers in my life.
11. Yesterday, there was a homeless man outside of Star Life. Apparently he had been sitting there all of Friday and was in the same position, rocking back and forth, in the morning. I saw him when I got to work and Wings asked me what he should do. I didn't really know what to say, so I said offer him coffee. The man wanted water. Buy then Wings asked me if I wanted to out to talk to him and I said no. I just didn't want to at the time but today I realized that it was because I didn't want to feel responsible for him. I also had no idea of who to call, or who else would take responsibility for him. This seems to be less of a problem with 'society' and more of a problem with my idea of how my humanity works.
4.11.2008
..normal
Today I realized that I notice when changes begin and end and when they become normal. I remember this one time in high school when I was sitting on a curb in the U-District. All of a sudden (is this proper grammar?) it didn't feel like a place I was visiting anymore, it just felt normal. I also remember when I was a freshman and I was settling in my room. It felt like all new belonging and settings and personalities, but I remember the night that I went to bed and it was normal. Today, I was riding my bike down Stone Way and it felt normal.
I don't really have anything deep to say about it. It just happens sometimes.
I also rode my bike to the Greenbean tonight. I had just been there yesterday, via bus, to train in the space and noted the difference in my experiences. I think that there is a strange vulnerability in biking. Maybe it's the fact that a loose lug nut or chunk of asphalt or crack or sewer cap could send me flying, to soon be grated along the road. This risk makes me more aware and I am forced to pay attention. Then I notice things. I notice the little things that I missed through glass on the bus windows and the I tell my tired legs to stop complaining.
Today I liked biking.
I don't really have anything deep to say about it. It just happens sometimes.
I also rode my bike to the Greenbean tonight. I had just been there yesterday, via bus, to train in the space and noted the difference in my experiences. I think that there is a strange vulnerability in biking. Maybe it's the fact that a loose lug nut or chunk of asphalt or crack or sewer cap could send me flying, to soon be grated along the road. This risk makes me more aware and I am forced to pay attention. Then I notice things. I notice the little things that I missed through glass on the bus windows and the I tell my tired legs to stop complaining.
Today I liked biking.
..perfection
My theology of late has been obsessed with morality, or more accurately, the dethroning of morality in my life.
I don't want to talk about everything I think about it.
I did go to the 'Let's Talk About Sex' forum tonight and thought about this:
Christian culture tends to be obsessed with perfection. Many of the questions tonight had to do with what was right and wrong and what was permissible and what was sin-laden. There was this strange level of perfection that everyone was trying to reach, and the questions seemed to be asked out of a spirit of failure.
I realized that I have a strange relationship with perfection too. There is a perfect Lindsey that I think exists somewhere, outside of myself, and it is my responsibility as a Christian to reach that Lindsey. The faster, the better, because then I will make God happier and be more effective in ministry through my perfection. My perfection manifests itself in my life through the word 'should'.
I should study more.
I should ride my bike to save the environment.
I should be nice to people.
I should not get angry.
I should be committed [to everything...].
I should keep in better touch with my family.
I should ...
The list is eternal and the shadow of guilt that accompanies it is ridiculous. The list above is personalize but I also have another list that looks more like this...
Because you are a Christian, you should...
Because you go to SPU, you should...
Because you care about things, you should...
Because you are a woman, you should...
Because you are _______, you should...
These are the requirements of my being that I am not given an option in, I simply must learn how to navigate them for the rest of my life.
So, when it comes down to it, I think that God probably never tells me I should do anything. I think that should lacks imagination, passion, and love and I don't believe in a God like that. I believe in a God that is far more concerned with the parts of me that might be wildly out of control, uncurbed by my restricting moral piety.
I want to be imperfect. I want to be a mess. I want to look at my life and see chaos and know that God is the only way of surviving it. I want to need God as my perfection. To be honest, I can't be moral anymore, it eats my soul and makes me a shell of a person. I behave in response to a code, deeply held in my mind, culture, and society and lack all humanity in some of the most human decisions in my life.
I want a God who loves my imperfection. I think that he finds immense promise in it and I want to learn how to do that too.
I don't want to talk about everything I think about it.
I did go to the 'Let's Talk About Sex' forum tonight and thought about this:
Christian culture tends to be obsessed with perfection. Many of the questions tonight had to do with what was right and wrong and what was permissible and what was sin-laden. There was this strange level of perfection that everyone was trying to reach, and the questions seemed to be asked out of a spirit of failure.
I realized that I have a strange relationship with perfection too. There is a perfect Lindsey that I think exists somewhere, outside of myself, and it is my responsibility as a Christian to reach that Lindsey. The faster, the better, because then I will make God happier and be more effective in ministry through my perfection. My perfection manifests itself in my life through the word 'should'.
I should study more.
I should ride my bike to save the environment.
I should be nice to people.
I should not get angry.
I should be committed [to everything...].
I should keep in better touch with my family.
I should ...
The list is eternal and the shadow of guilt that accompanies it is ridiculous. The list above is personalize but I also have another list that looks more like this...
Because you are a Christian, you should...
Because you go to SPU, you should...
Because you care about things, you should...
Because you are a woman, you should...
Because you are _______, you should...
These are the requirements of my being that I am not given an option in, I simply must learn how to navigate them for the rest of my life.
So, when it comes down to it, I think that God probably never tells me I should do anything. I think that should lacks imagination, passion, and love and I don't believe in a God like that. I believe in a God that is far more concerned with the parts of me that might be wildly out of control, uncurbed by my restricting moral piety.
I want to be imperfect. I want to be a mess. I want to look at my life and see chaos and know that God is the only way of surviving it. I want to need God as my perfection. To be honest, I can't be moral anymore, it eats my soul and makes me a shell of a person. I behave in response to a code, deeply held in my mind, culture, and society and lack all humanity in some of the most human decisions in my life.
I want a God who loves my imperfection. I think that he finds immense promise in it and I want to learn how to do that too.
4.10.2008
..stability
This is the more rational side of my day.
I have noticed that certain themes have been running through my life over the last few months, and I will have certain realizations about them in specific contexts, and then discover something new about them when the context shifts.
One of these themes is stability. This is what I have learned:
1. Stability is a commitment to something bigger than yourself. To commit to staying is to recognize your place in a much larger plan than the simple confines of your life. It also might mean sacrificing something more exciting or more challenging in an intentional effort to create stability.
2. Stability can be a place that is easily confused with compliance or stagnancy, neither of which are required for it to vitally exist. To choose to stay is often to choose to face more difficult problems. Sure, the allure of meeting new people and encountering new cultures may seem to be so stimulating and maturing, but do you really deal with the shit of knowing someone and loving them despite that knowledge? Do you allow people to know you to the point of finding things wrong with you and telling you about them? Complacency is dangerous and to be consciously avoided, but should not be confused with stability.
3. In Camden I learned that stability is the only thing that works. For the people of Camden, support of the passer-by is great but commitment to the long haul is what changes people's lives. Also, in order for people to experience how Jesus is working and the small, minute ways that Jesus is healing a place like Camden, sporadic service projects don't even begin to tell the story.
4. Stability allows for healing. 'Moving on' is often a cliche that gets thrown around when something traumatic happens and people need to heal. I am learning that true healing and reconciliation cannot usually happen when people move on, but happens when people choose to stay. Sure, dealing with your shit isn't fun, but running away from it doesn't mean that shit isn't all over your shoe, waiting to plague you for years to come. Moving on is also the most selfish response to pain. If I don't confront what has happened and work through the situation and just move on, someone else is left confused and our relationship will end by being so undervalued. Also, staying gives you the chance to practice resurrection, watching a dead thing come back to life and that is how I want to experience God.
I have noticed that certain themes have been running through my life over the last few months, and I will have certain realizations about them in specific contexts, and then discover something new about them when the context shifts.
One of these themes is stability. This is what I have learned:
1. Stability is a commitment to something bigger than yourself. To commit to staying is to recognize your place in a much larger plan than the simple confines of your life. It also might mean sacrificing something more exciting or more challenging in an intentional effort to create stability.
2. Stability can be a place that is easily confused with compliance or stagnancy, neither of which are required for it to vitally exist. To choose to stay is often to choose to face more difficult problems. Sure, the allure of meeting new people and encountering new cultures may seem to be so stimulating and maturing, but do you really deal with the shit of knowing someone and loving them despite that knowledge? Do you allow people to know you to the point of finding things wrong with you and telling you about them? Complacency is dangerous and to be consciously avoided, but should not be confused with stability.
3. In Camden I learned that stability is the only thing that works. For the people of Camden, support of the passer-by is great but commitment to the long haul is what changes people's lives. Also, in order for people to experience how Jesus is working and the small, minute ways that Jesus is healing a place like Camden, sporadic service projects don't even begin to tell the story.
4. Stability allows for healing. 'Moving on' is often a cliche that gets thrown around when something traumatic happens and people need to heal. I am learning that true healing and reconciliation cannot usually happen when people move on, but happens when people choose to stay. Sure, dealing with your shit isn't fun, but running away from it doesn't mean that shit isn't all over your shoe, waiting to plague you for years to come. Moving on is also the most selfish response to pain. If I don't confront what has happened and work through the situation and just move on, someone else is left confused and our relationship will end by being so undervalued. Also, staying gives you the chance to practice resurrection, watching a dead thing come back to life and that is how I want to experience God.
4.09.2008
..pissed
For some reason I am really angry right now. I have been feeling unsettled all day and for about 5 minutes at lunch I just walked around campus, disgusted with the thought of being in any place in the whole world. I just wanted to take an ultimate break, and be nothing for an hour. Today, nothing has felt relaxing. Not a minute in my day. I want to be no where because I feel like in every corner of my life there is some problem, silently waiting to be discovered and I, frankly, could give a fuck about undiscovered problems right now in my life.
I think that I am pissed because I have felt just below par in most everything in my life. I am taking classes in three different fields, getting a minor in another and working in a different context. So this leads me to three different cultures, three different ways of thought and I am spread to thin to be adequate at any of them. I had to hand out a reference form to a professor who knew my 'academic ability' and realized that I have only had one professor for more than one class. I understand why I am doing all of these studies and I see the value of each one and the emergent whole they produce but I am pissed that that means that there is a tinge of mediocrity in each of them.
I am also pissed because I feel as though my life is not my own. Not like I am victim but life just keeps coming. Today I have things to do that I did not plan or propose and my tomorrow and weekend and next week have the same feeling. I am not disappointed in any of the activities, just resent the feeling like I am being pulled around by my life on a rope.
Recently I have started to shower more. This might not be that strange of a change but I think that I am beginning to realize that I exist. Some days I don't exist enough to brush my teeth or sleep more than 4 hours and then I am a zombie of acting Lindsey, that has little to give and what is offered is gilded with false excitement. Sometimes I see value in not existing, like it is the ultimate goal of a sacrificial life. This troubles me because I don't know how to love people outside of my body or my person.
blah blah blah, my life... blah blah blah so pissed...
Oh, something else I am pissed about right now. Arrogant students. Maybe junior year is the most exciting because you have the vocabulary to talk like you know your shit and you know enough to think that you know that your shit is the shit. I am to my core a student, there is always a different perspective to discover, a different means to an already achieved end, and a different discipline to come to the same conclusion. I don't want to be a sociology major because then I have to be a sociology major and act superior about social issues to prove that the $75,000 I have spent on my education so far has been money well spent. I wish I could just listen to people explain what they are learning. I don't want to argue, I want to listen to people who are listening too.
The last thing that I am pissed about right now, or more accurately, the last thing that I am choosing to complain about, is soft language. I want to know what people are thinking. You can be direct, sincere, and honest and I want to hear that from people. I don't want to hear a "I think..." or "I feel like...", just say it. Own how you feel. Know what you are thinking and just say it. If it pisses people off, maybe that's good. Maybe ask for forgiveness more than not saying anything ever.
Dammit.
So maybe I just want to eat a moon pie on the moon right now and have it be 72 degrees (my most favorite temperature) and talk with a friend until we are done. I will probably be sitting on a crater, swinging my feet and the little pooch of fat on my belly will hang over my jeans and I will be happy.
I think that I am pissed because I have felt just below par in most everything in my life. I am taking classes in three different fields, getting a minor in another and working in a different context. So this leads me to three different cultures, three different ways of thought and I am spread to thin to be adequate at any of them. I had to hand out a reference form to a professor who knew my 'academic ability' and realized that I have only had one professor for more than one class. I understand why I am doing all of these studies and I see the value of each one and the emergent whole they produce but I am pissed that that means that there is a tinge of mediocrity in each of them.
I am also pissed because I feel as though my life is not my own. Not like I am victim but life just keeps coming. Today I have things to do that I did not plan or propose and my tomorrow and weekend and next week have the same feeling. I am not disappointed in any of the activities, just resent the feeling like I am being pulled around by my life on a rope.
Recently I have started to shower more. This might not be that strange of a change but I think that I am beginning to realize that I exist. Some days I don't exist enough to brush my teeth or sleep more than 4 hours and then I am a zombie of acting Lindsey, that has little to give and what is offered is gilded with false excitement. Sometimes I see value in not existing, like it is the ultimate goal of a sacrificial life. This troubles me because I don't know how to love people outside of my body or my person.
blah blah blah, my life... blah blah blah so pissed...
Oh, something else I am pissed about right now. Arrogant students. Maybe junior year is the most exciting because you have the vocabulary to talk like you know your shit and you know enough to think that you know that your shit is the shit. I am to my core a student, there is always a different perspective to discover, a different means to an already achieved end, and a different discipline to come to the same conclusion. I don't want to be a sociology major because then I have to be a sociology major and act superior about social issues to prove that the $75,000 I have spent on my education so far has been money well spent. I wish I could just listen to people explain what they are learning. I don't want to argue, I want to listen to people who are listening too.
The last thing that I am pissed about right now, or more accurately, the last thing that I am choosing to complain about, is soft language. I want to know what people are thinking. You can be direct, sincere, and honest and I want to hear that from people. I don't want to hear a "I think..." or "I feel like...", just say it. Own how you feel. Know what you are thinking and just say it. If it pisses people off, maybe that's good. Maybe ask for forgiveness more than not saying anything ever.
Dammit.
So maybe I just want to eat a moon pie on the moon right now and have it be 72 degrees (my most favorite temperature) and talk with a friend until we are done. I will probably be sitting on a crater, swinging my feet and the little pooch of fat on my belly will hang over my jeans and I will be happy.
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