..seriously

The depth of my faith has always been a snag for me. Do I spend too much time worrying about it? Too much time thinking about in place of actually doing it? Is it a legitimate thing for me to be concerned about or simply an outcome of my life and a character trait found out after the fact, like humility?

I think that this discussion ultimately comes down to my perspective on it. My faith is not deep enough. What is deep enough when God is eternally more complex and undiscovered? Heaven will be deep enough faith. I think that I am moving out of a state of panic though. I feel peace and a quite stillness in the fact that God is the purpose and means and end of my life and I don't feel a need to fight that right now.

If I am going to resist anything it needs too be me. My mind and schedule and tongue and life are controlled and operated by me. This is my lack of depth.

What does surrender actually look like? I am so fucking tired of singing songs about concepts and Christian words and things we want from God. I don't give anything to God if I am actually honest. Not only do I not give him much, I give him the shitty leftovers, and complaints, and dissatisfaction, and my thoughts.

I underestimate the magnitude of grace because I over estimate the beauty of myself.

God save me from my pride and myself.

God redeem my mind so I desire, honestly, for you to save me from my pride and myself.

I'm sick of this bullshit.

..funeral

Time has passed by and I am smiling because I am typing in this box. This is a friendship that I have been missing for a good many months.

I cannot afford an update on life up to this point and I suppose my only desire is to see my maturity through words and not through stories of growth.

I am struggling a lot right now on several funerals I have to go to. I have accepted an invitation to attend the funeral of my friend guilt and I am driving there, dressed in radiant black and I can taste the formaldehyde of its dead body when I enter into the wake. I don't think that I am over with this funeral yet.

I am dining on the refreshments after attending a funeral for my friend business. I don't speak of him anymore and he has been eliminated from my life. I am sure his ghost will haunt me though.

There is an invitation to a funeral that I haven't opened yet. It's for a friend. Not a friend that's an adjective, but a friend. The problem is that I won't be able to attend a funeral or watch them be buried by distance or time, because they are in my life, except wordless and timelessly present. I don't know if it's the 'good Christian' thing to do. To open the invitation. I know it's something I don't want to do, and don't want to admit.