..parents

I just found out that I have been infinately blessed with the opprotunity to go to camp this summer.
Thank you God for that blessing in my life.
I don't know why you have given me the opprotunity to be used this summer, but thank you,
I pray that you would be with me now as I talk to my parents.
It makes me so sad to even have a tinge of fear in telling them, but I do.
It might just be my insecurities, but I just want them to be as excited as I am.

..prayer

Lord thank you so much for your hand of providence in my life.
I can't really think of where I would be without you and for your salvation I am so thankful.
I worship you with my heart and my life.
Lord, make me thirstier for you and satisfy my thirst with your living water.
I desire to only be found in you, humble me.
I pray though when you do, be with me and make your presence known to me.
Jesus, I pray right now that you would enter into my relationships.
You have saved me so that I can love you but you also saved me so that I can be in loving relationship with others.
That is so difficult because of my personal short comings and others as well.
I pray that you would be there, in between me and every other person, and open up the channels of communication and love.
Teach me how to love every person in the way they need to be loved.
Bring people into my life that will love me in the way that I need to be loved.
Make me more aware of your infinite love for me, and teach me how to be satisfied with it alone.
You are amazing and I can't really understand everything you have done for me, because you have kept me from so much.
I thank you with all that I am for the life you have given me, your love, and the other people you have brought into my life.
Continue the good work you have started into completion.
Be with me the rest of the school year and give me a divine dose of motivation, love, and understanding.
Please break me of my selfishness.

..heaven

Heaven is often a concept that I separate from my life, limiting it to merely a destination that I will arrive at when I die. I think that to believe that though, I miss so much of the way that life is intended to be lived. I believe that I an eternal being, that I will live forever, no matter where, and that my eternity starts now. That perspective on my life changes the way that I view tomorrow, as not being another day that I simply have to trudge through but a very small window into what pure bliss will feel like. The joy that you get when someone listens, or a friend gives me a hug ordinarily gives me limited and momentary burst of joy but viewing it as a window into heaven allows it to be something so much more. I guess it makes a lot of sense to me as to why I want so many things to be perfect too. It puts me at ease knowing that eternity is build inherently in me and that is why I want to experience it now and experience it with other people. Knowing the, deep spiritual intimacy that will be there is going to be beyond amazing. I think that is why it is so amazing to live a life of worship because that is what we are made to do. I should sound more theological about this at some point. Its really all just about making people think I am smart...

..perspective

It is hard to understand just how much of my personal happiness depends upon the perspective I have of my life. The mental dialog that I have continuously throughout the day is one that shapes the attitude and outlook with which I go through life. Today I woke up and focused on my stress. There was so much to do and why I had been given every burden in the world and only 24 hours to do something about it. It didn't seem fair. I prayed for a new perspective, that Jesus would touch me in my moment of weak faith and insanity and keep me from going crazy. Even though I mentally uttered these words, I didn't really believe them and continued on in my stress, worrying about my future. It is times like this that I realize just how weak my faith is. I have so far to go in my journey with God but the promise of the security in that path is astounding. The fact that he does answer prayer too is reassuring. I don't feel stressed now and things are falling into a nice space in my life. Things are being canceled and I quietly wonder if its because I freaked out. God only gives us as much as we can handle, and maybe I am just not strong enough yet. I don't know but Jesus loves me and that's pretty awesome.

..hope

Today was Mother's Day and I went home last night. Slipping back into family and a familiar home strange feeling seeped into my blood and I rejoiced with my whole heart to see my mom healing and falling in love with Jesus. There is honestly no greater joy than to watch someone experience true freedom in Christ when their yoke of burden and obedience has kept them from joy for so long. I think that this weekend was one of intense paradox though when I look at my father. I confronted him for the very first time and I did so with no fear of his reaction. I honestly just wanted him to know how I feel and to express that to him was a great burden being lifted off my chest. I know the longer I went, silently accepting the terms of our relationship based on the bullshit label of 'a good father-daughter relationship' would simply continue mediocrity. I want to experience a relationship that is permeated with love and trust and I think that I have to see ours for what it is, so the areas that need to be changed can be seen. I spoke the truth and I think that it probably hurt him. It hurts me to hurt him but ultimately I know what I did was out of love and hope and therefore I am fine with some tenderness in the coming future. Ultimately though, I am so certain of the hope that lies within the connect between us because Jesus is there. I know that we both love him, although usually imperfectly, and we desire to grow in him. I am so excited for our adventure in Christ and living in the truth is the only way to live in Christ. If I would have never said anything, and comfortably kept my mouth shut, we would never live in Christ because he cannot exist in the presence of a relationship that is based upon a lie. The thing that really blows my mind in all of this though is that Jesus is in between us, filling in the gaps of our own shortcomings, allowing us to connect in love despite our depravity. Although my dad doesn't know how to listen well yet, Jesus does and I can be loved in him while I wait for change in my earthly father. There is so much hope for salvation between me and other people because Christ has saved me unto him, to be completed in him, and also so that I can love other people out of that completeness. How great is my Father!

..everything

Jesus, you have not given me too much to handle. Not only that but you told me that I can do all things through your strength. I believe that you will give your strength because I want to do your will, whatever that may be. I am begining to realize just how futile and hopeless my own attemps at living my life for you are. The hard part about this situation is that I am so incredibility human. In my brain and in my heart I want to live a life for you but so often the substance of my day does not reflect that. In addition to my crippling humanity I find that I do not really understand the way that you are loving me right now. Your love is perfect and desires more than anything that I become more like you but why does that have to cause so much pain in my life> I don't really understand it all that well right now. But I know that through this I have been pushed back to you and I need you so much more that when my life seems easy. I need to feel your presences and providence in my life and I need you to increase my peace and my faith. You have created a storm for me right now to strengthen me but you are also my rock in that storm and my shelter too. So right now I don't really understand this form of love in my life but I am so grateful and am the luckiest girl in the world for being able to experience it.

..help

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me; O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!" be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.

Psalm 40