Sometimes I feel bulldozed by an idea and somehow it becomes the lens that I see my whole day/life through for a while. Usually its not something that I have been casually pondering for a while, it is usually a thought that pounces and knocks the wind out of me for a bit.
So today I had one of these idea/revelations/ponderings/whatever. I worked a fair trade show this morning. It was relaxing and it was really fun to do costumer service again, for 43 seconds I wanted to be a barista again. The organization I represented was completely, entirely above board and maybe was the perfect model of fair trade, so I take no issue with that portion of the day. But then I started thinking about altruistic consumerism, the thought that enlightened Americans can consume the world out of its misery if they just make the right purchasing decisions. Granted I do not think that this is the primary motivation behind legitimate fair trade businesses but perhaps a broader trend in America (and it is proven that if a consumer believes that companies are charitable with their money or send a certain percent of their profits to an organization, they are more likely to buy from them). The (red) campaign is not going to end the AIDs pandemic and anyone that buys a t-shirt with that notion is horribly mistaken. But maybe its something else. Perhaps wearing a (red) shirt or ordering fair trade coffee or giving your mom a plastic goat symbolizing the new addition to a Bolivian family for Christmas are all noble and worthy things to do. But a part of me asks why do I have to buy something, participate in a barrier, to transfer love and humanity to another person. Is there a part of altruistic consumerism that is guilt subduing but also rooted in fear? Fear of seeing difficult things and having to go some place difficult without the comfort (and barrier) of your wallet?
And then there are entire parts of people that seem scary. People are messy and if you learn too much about who they really are or see them in compromising situations there are things that we become afraid of. We are afraid of the unknown in people, the dark spaces of personality that seem to lurk in conversation, never being discovered. I think that I am scared that people will need me more than I can give, that people will ask me to be better than I am currently, that somehow we will get stuck to each other and then it will hurt like a band-aid when we take opposite paths. Somehow most of the social ticks that I have, the little psychosomatic dialog that seems to always be running, is really rooted in a basic fear. Scared of myself, scared of other people, scared of what it means for us to be together.
And then there is theology. I don't want to be scared of theology. I don't want to be scared to be wrong about God or what it means for me to follow them. I want to believe in a God that is perfect and exists in unending love regardless of my accuracy in systematic theology. My failures in life and misinterpretation of the bible do not compromise who God is, they might make my life more difficult, but welcome to the struggle. I find it suffocating and deeply troubling to be scared of screwing up my theology. In some ways living in fear of a misguided spiritual step leaves me a paralyzed and paranoid Christian. This is what I have been saved from! I have been saved from living in fear of being wrong, of not doing enough, of listening to people who might not have all their theological ducks in a row. I have been saved to life and that is one terribly messy endeavor. When you look at the bible, people who are following God don't live lives of difficulty solely because of outside persecution - often times it is difficult because they tried and failed or just failed outright. To fear spiritual failure is to reduce the unconditional love of God to a flighty, inadequate substitute.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (John 4.18)
