As I skip from June to the end of August I look back on the journey that God has taken me on and I stand in complete amazement. I don't even know how to describe the things that he has done for me and the ways that I have had an opprotunity to meet him this summer. His presence has become so tangible in my life and I don't think that I could think of living my life in any other way. People ask me how my summer was and I sit there, speachless and full of awe toward God that I cannot even express in words. How do I explain a whole summer of experiencing his face without breaking into simoteneous laughter because I am so over flowing with joy and tears because I am so incredibally thankful. His love towards me this summer has touched my heart in a way that is so intimate I don't know if there will ever be a way to express what it 'was like'. I tend to almost not want to talk about it with people in fear that I will butcher my experience and then remember something other than what reality was. I have been back for about a week and being back has been slightly surreal. Here I look at my plate and all I really have is myself. There are no responsiblities that I must take care of and that void of assignment leads to a selfish existance for me. At camp there were other people there. I looked into my day and I saw the faces of kids that needed love, comfort, acceptance, and grace and all I could do was look to the face of God, because his supply was endless when mine ran out after the first week. Experiencing the presence of God in my life was something that was different for me this summer because I needed him to survive, emotionally, mentally, and physically, and he was there, caring me through the entirety of the time. His faithfulness throughout the summer brings me to my knees and makes me long to trust him more. How great is our God that he rewards us immensly for just seeking his face? The irony in that is that there is nothing else that would ever satisfy me more than just being with him. He truely is with the broken hearted and the downcast. I suppose I am in an ackward possition now because in my life back home God is not really needed. I get my 10 hours of sleep nightly and there really aren't many difficult behavioral issuses to deal with. I don't like living like this. I really don't. When I look back at my day and I see that really, my life didn't make much of an impact, I can hardly enter into the presence of God without feeling slightly ashamed and emptyhanded. I would rather live a life of small, earthly meaning but need the presence of God for survival that exist in the absence of need and be forced to create it.
But where would that leave me?
Does that leave me at SPU? or does that lead me into the wilderness? or does that lead me into the land of the greatly unknown for a wild adventure with my creator?
Time will tell I suppose. God is good, all the time and I will be waiting and preparing for what he has in store for me.
I want to live for something great. I want to exist in the power of God and have my only other option be death, not a life that is lukewarm with apathy.
Create in me a consuming fire for yourself, God. Let me walk boldly into your trone room and declare your name in my life every minute of my day. Take all of who I am and place me in the fire. Comsume all that is not of you and strip it away. If that takes me to a place of painful, gashing wounds, I know that you are faithful to heal me. If that leads me into a land that I must walk through with only God, I will swallow hard and walk on in faith. No matter where Jesus will lead me, I will follow with all of who I am because when I am found in him I can do all things through his strength.
Lord, I ask you right now, in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, to bring forth a new chapter in my life of authentic faith. Bring me people that are passionatly in love with you and who will push me on towards the goal you have marked out for me. Let me seek your face and give up the things that do not please you and give up the things that I think please you but simply make me to busty to serve. Reveal to me your heart, so I may serve you in a way that brings you the most glory.
You are so worthy God, of all of my praise. Be with me and be my God.
